Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd respond to your FIL making an unannounced speech at your wedding?

302 replies

quickopinionsplease · 11/11/2017 11:25

As per the title really Smile

So there you are at your wedding breakfast, formal affair, it's speech time.

You all know the running order, you're all a bit nervous because you've been working on your speech.

And then in the middle of it all, FIL stands up to make a speech. You aren't sure what's going on.

He hasn't told you about this, hasn't checked if it's ok or run it past you.

How do you feel about this?

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 12/11/2017 18:52

It was extraordinarily rude, gauche and selfish.

If he wanted to make a speech, he should have asked you and so you factored it in. Most weddings I've been to have short, timed speeches so as not to bore the guests to tears.

There's no point asking on here - many people here thing it's ok to charge for drinks at a wedding, charge their bridesmaids to buy hideous dresses they'll never wear again, or oblige their guests to expensive country house hotels so they can get their desired 'wedding package'.

Coconutspongexo · 12/11/2017 18:55

Riding - so you believe every wedding should have a free bar?

RoseLillian · 12/11/2017 18:55

I would be annoyed. No problem with FIL doing a speech if prearranged, but to just get up on the day is rude. I also feel sorry for person going next who may have been quite nervous only to have someone butting in. The fact that he says the reason he didn't ask was because he thought you might say no is also annoying. It shows he was willing to go against your wishes on your day. Having said all that I would probably let it go as he is family and it is sometimes just not worth the fall out. Hope you had a lovely day despite his impromptu speech.

Tweez · 12/11/2017 18:56

I think it sounds lovely if your FIL wanted to give an impromptu speech. It’s a shame he felt you might say no if he’s asked, I wonder why he felt that? You sound a little ungrateful, sorry. I remember my own father giving a speech at my wedding and it was awful, so perhaps I just have bad memories.

Nicola211 · 12/11/2017 18:59

Interesting question for us it was all part of a very relaxed happy occasion. My FIL was lovely and a wonderful person. I think weddings are times of high emotion and people often want to express themselves either fully prepared or suddenly moved to speak impromptu. It hadn’t occurred to me to ask my FIL to speak but really it should’ve done. They had longed for their youngest child get married happily for many years not believing it was going to happen. My DF was very stressed about his speech being quite a shy person. He spoke well but quite briefly. This was more than balanced by my DFIL who spoke well without notes for over 40 minutes! It was a long time, especially for some of the guests who didn’t know him. He spoke only half of what was in his heart as I put him off his stroke because I was worried when he mentioned his eldest son who died of cancer in his 30s. What my DF I L did so well was set the context of the two families having known each other well previously for many years. He had known my mother and aunt as young girls, both living in Cork on adjoining street to where his only young family Was growing up.My D FIL was a surgeon as was my grandfather. My DF I L went on teach my uncle and mother as medical students. All these people (except my grandfather) were present at our wedding. There had been a previous wedding between two families a generation back. My DH and I had met quite coincidently without my being aware of all this through working with each other in London.
What I’m trying to say is that there is real context to a speech given. Probably also to your D(I hope)FIL. With our wedding it opened The way to others. My godfather (aunts husband) and one of my husbands nephews. It was a wonderful occasion. Two of his nieces then did a dance to music that they had prepared unknown to us. We all had to be moved on out of the place starting to overrun our time. Fortunately everyone had eaten well before all this which might not of been so appropriate if they were all starving.The response to it all from the guests when they wrote to my parents was enormously positive. They had loved everything about the day. They thought it was a day out of heaven. So did we.
My advice if you want any is to be aware that this sort of thing runs in families. It can be deep in the DNA to express yourself like this. Your DH will probably do it in his turn, Standing up to speak on occasions where this is not anticipated. His other relations will do it. If you are blessed with DC, they may do it. In fact you may find this rubbing off on you. If you didn’t speak at your wedding (as I didn’t) you will come to find yourself wishing you did.! In fact take singing lessons As you will probably find that you want to throw in a song!!
All in all, relations and families are weird, our own at least equally to those we marry into. But at times (many of them) when Our own families are driving us insane, our in-laws are marvellous help, joy support and a total change from our lot. This will be true I hope for you and your DH as well as it has been for me. With every best wish on your lifetimes together. I hope you will both be very happy.

Anatidae · 12/11/2017 19:00

Every man and his dog stood up and gave a short one at ours... songs, random two liners... v traditional where we are. Doesn’t FOG always say something?

If he was kind in content, I think you need to let it go.

Gottagetmoving · 12/11/2017 19:24

I am not keen on rigid military style weddings but many people are so I suppose something like this would send them into a panic.
I think in this case the fil would have been better asking permission. Every family is different

BeALert · 12/11/2017 19:31

Too often People seem to like to ignore the important fact that the wedding day is the bride and grooms day. No one else. No one else's wants matter. No one else's opinions matter. That ONE day that one event belongs to 2 people only. Pushing wants and agendas is wrong and selfish! Simple as that!

How bizarre.

Our wedding wasn't our day and no one else's. Most of our guests had flown 3000 miles to be there (we had to get married abroad for reasons related to my visa).

It mattered to me enormously that they were there to celebrate with us and that everyone enjoyed the day. I wouldn't have invited them otherwise.

missiondecision · 12/11/2017 19:38

You refer to it not being traditional for father of groom to speak ,,, therefore I assume your parents paid for everything, as is tradition??
I think you are rude for not asking your husbands father if he wanted to contribute.

Mumofboys2017 · 12/11/2017 19:41

My husbands Nan did an unplanned act of ‘kindness’ she made us stand up in front of every one, hold hands whilst looking into each other’s eyes and then sang a very lengthy song to us at the top of her voice. The other guests couldn’t keep a straight face. So embarrassed. However, this is the one thing everyone remembers with fondness about our wedding. I wouldn’t change it niw!

treaclesoda · 12/11/2017 19:42

many people here thing it's ok to charge for drinks at a wedding

I have never in my life been to a wedding with a free bar. I've been to quite a few where no alcohol was served at all. And I've even been to one where the hotel bar only served soft drinks, but you still had to pay for them yourself.

mumindoghouse · 12/11/2017 19:50

Content fine so nothing to worry about

Original poster
quickopinionsplease · 12/11/2017 19:55

@missiondecision I am confused by your post. Why should who paid for what influence whether we asked FIL to make a speech?

OP posts:
Chesterado · 12/11/2017 19:56

My FIL did this. Unannounced, off the cuff, he's that kind of person.

It was absolutely lovely and very funny. He apologised afterward for not pre-"asking", just said the room was full of love and he wanted to be part of it. He is ace though!

Bargainqueen · 12/11/2017 19:57

I think it would be lovely and perhaps you are being a it of a bridezilla? If he feels as the groom's FATHER he wants to day something at HIS sons wedding, then I would welcome it. It's not just your wedding. So many ladies seems to forget that. Take a chill pill and embrace it.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/11/2017 20:02

I would feel quite moved by it. Are weddings about strict running orders or are they about family? I would care less about the traditions and focus more on what he said.

JanKind · 12/11/2017 20:07

If it the. Intent fine, as you say it was, then I think you let it go and stop looking do a problem where there isn't one

slice · 12/11/2017 20:44

I think you need to get over yourself! Precious moi...👸🏼 The fact that he didn't ask in case you said no, tells us everything we need to know!!

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2017 20:47

Strange, isn't it, that every wedding has two fils, but only one of them traditionally makes a speech......

missbloomsbury · 12/11/2017 21:06

Well - my flabber is gasted! This is yet another example of the occasion being more important than the people it’s created for. It’s a wedding. People getting together to say how happy they are that this has happened. The ‘running order’ of events is a guideline of what will happen not a mandatory rota which must be strictly adhered to. The main celebrants should of course be entitled to be spontaneous if they choose. So what if everything else runs a little late? The angst that goes into the planning and execution of ‘The Big Day’ nowadays baffles me. We got married in Hongkong. We didn’t have a best man (forgot to appoint one to be honest!). With 5 minutes warning my dh’s good friend was asked to make a speech which he did with great humour and alacrity. That was 35 years ago, and we still laugh about it!

CamperVamp · 12/11/2017 21:15

“am confused by your post. Why should who paid for what influence whether we asked FIL to make a speech?”

The poster was making a point about your adherence to tradition. It didn’t occur to you to ask if your FIL if he wanted to speak because you were following tradition.

In Tradition Land the brides parents pay for everything.

And, of course, you would be a virgin.

DeadGood · 12/11/2017 21:21

“I am confused by your post. Why should who paid for what influence whether we asked FIL to make a speech?”

Well, if your FIL paid towards the wedding, then there is a high chance he will want to speak at the wedding.

Yay get that, right?

Original poster
quickopinionsplease · 12/11/2017 21:30

My parents did pay for everything. PIL didn't pay for anything...

OP posts:
TheweewitchRoz · 12/11/2017 21:48

I’d have been quite pissed off to be honest - he knew he was out of order given he thought about mentioning it & then didn’t. He was being extremely rude.

That said, if it’s all over & done with now, then I’d let it go (but quietly think he was a cheeky fucker!).

CamperVamp · 12/11/2017 21:56

So. How did you respond?