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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maid of Honor dictating hen party plans

247 replies

Nissan · 10/11/2017 16:41

AIBU….

My brother is getting married next year. My family and I are very close to his fiance and I’m looking forward to being a part of the celebrations.

The bride’s MoH (a pretty close friend) has organised the hen.

All of the hens live in the same city…apart from the MoH…(important for later)

Last week, the MoH messaged everyone telling us all the plan that she is looking to arranging - two nights in a cottage with massage treatments & private dining experience.

This was the only option offered, with no chance of discussing other ideas.

Still, it all sounded ok until the cost came up (£2000 alone for the cottage for the 2 x nights), along with the fact it’s 20 minutes from the MoHs own home, and 150 miles away for the other 12 hens!

She’s a SAHM, and is saying the only time the cottage is free is on 2 x midweek nights, meaning all of us that work will have to take THREE DAYS annual leave?!

I said I’d have to think about it - she then told me the cottage has been booked and she’s put a deposit down, so “it’s happening anyway”. So she wasn't offering an option at all, she was telling me what was happening and how much I owe Angry

I’m thinking she’s a major CF?!

Also…I’m thinking not many of the 12 will go for this plan, meaning the cost will be astronomical once it’s divided by like, 8 girls SadGin

My brother will be pretty upset if I don’t go. Should I just grin and bear the cost, seeing as she’s booked it already?

OP posts:
Kannet · 10/11/2017 20:27

She may well have gone to the brides work to organise leave but I don’t think the bride will be happy. Most people are fairly short of leave on a year when they get married

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 10/11/2017 20:37

When my brother was getting married the MOH just went crazy with suggestions for the hen do.

I rang my brother and told him all the ludicrous suggestions so he could rein her back in. He called up MOH and explained not everybody has the disposable income she does and she cant possibly expect the other hens too pay for what she wants. He also pointed out how his soon to be wife wouldn't be impressed if nobody attends the hen do because of how it expensive it was.

Motoko · 10/11/2017 20:37

PLEASE OP, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS ASAP!

Sorry for shouting, but you need to stop dithering. The vast majority on here have agreed that this is all sorts of wrong, and given you advice on how to word a message.

I'm another one who would be horrified if I was the bride, and I would be really pissed off if nobody told me, especially with the MoH booking my own AL. That's really out of order.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Butterymuffin · 10/11/2017 20:38

Have you been given the details of the specific cottage? You can check the pricing online then.

Fishface77 · 10/11/2017 21:04

I'd be really pissed of at someone organising my annual leave for me! It's precious and everyday counts!
I would tell the bride and quick.

whenthestarsturnblue · 10/11/2017 21:05

Do you know the other hens Nissan? If they all confirm (is it 11/12 others) it will still be the price of a hotel for 2 nights and maybe you could all rent a bus together to get there. I get that it is absolutely in the realms of being a CF and it suits her and I would be very annoyed also - particularly about the midweek thing. But unless you know the others and can stage a coup, they might all agree to go and then you would stand out as being 'difficult'. Personally I wouldn't give up 3 days of annual leave for something that I was already pissed off about. In fact one night out is more than enough for a hen/stag. But you need to make an intervention quick, as more could confirm tonight.

ManchesterGin · 10/11/2017 22:28

fullofhope03 i loved the one with the husband/toddler tag along!

I can't believe horrors like this actually exist!

melj1213 · 11/11/2017 00:46

OP, screw the MoH, I would tell your brother and SiL to be that her MOH is taking the piss and has tried to organise her AL for her.

TBH if I was the bride I'd want to know a) because my MoH is being unreasonable with her midweek, 150 mile away cottage Hen do b) She is a CF for speaking to my boss about AL and c) I'd want to speak to my boss about discussing my AL (whether or not it was authorised) with some randomer who called up saying they were a friend! In my company it would be a serious disciplinary offence to discuss AL with anyone but the employee who's leave it was!

heron98 · 11/11/2017 06:06

Some of these responses are very cruel.

I'm sure the poor girl is doing her best, albeit without much consideration for others.

Don't organise your own thing and present it as a fait accompli, that's just mean. Just be honest and say it doesn't work and can we please change it?

smurfit · 11/11/2017 06:21

You could ask the bride about annual leave and a midweek 2 day hen party without spoiling the surprise.

I'd just ask her how she felt about that without mentioning any specifics.

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 11/11/2017 06:53

OP have you told her that you're not going yet??
If I was the bride there's absolutely no way that I'd expect or want my hens to have to pay out a shedload of money and be away for 2 nights mid-week!
As for MoH arranging MY time off behind my back with my boss? Heads would roll! Shock
Also I agree with other PPs, it sounds like a snooze-fest of a hen do! Grin

AdalindSchade · 11/11/2017 06:56

None of the ones who have confirmed will be happy about it I guarantee. Just say no. It's bonkers.

Theresnonamesleft · 11/11/2017 07:17

I would set up a group chat for this. The ones that have confirmed can see how quickly their cost is going to shoot up.
Do you actually know some have confirmed or is this just from moh?
Maybe she’s phrasing things a bit differently to the others.

You could also chuck Chrys idea in there. Travel up first night, stay that night and travel back next day so, when would moh want your £83.33. Sorry everyone I know it chucks up your cost but cannot get 3 days Al.

Daddystepdaddy · 11/11/2017 07:21

If you can't go then don't go. Just let the bride know that you can't take that amount of time off work and if it had been organised at the weekend you would've been able to make it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2017 07:22

heron

I can’t go along with “poor girl”. This woman took it upon herself to make a unilateral decision without consulting anyone.

Organising something separate from the midweek thing she’s booked is nothing worse that what the moh herself has done.

I’m not endorsing the either though so I don’t agree with organising an alternative hen do behind her back.

Halebeke425 · 11/11/2017 07:49

If you have a good relationship with your brother, why don't you mention the plans to him and see if he agrees that it's a bit much? Then maybe you can decide what to do for the best together as you two actually know bride and moh in real life so are best placed to judge unlike us bunch of strangers :) 3 days leave, expensive and 150 miles away.. You really aren't being unreasonable to have reservations!

Daddystepdaddy · 11/11/2017 07:54

A lot of people here are advocating a coup or organising an alternative hen do, why bother? It is only going to damage relationships and cause extra stress. The MoH is responsible for organising the hen do. If she organises a do that is so poorly timed and expensive that no-one goes the she will have to explain herself to the bride. It simply is not your problem and certainly not worth risking the relationship with your future SIL by going rogue.

Cagliostro · 11/11/2017 08:06

Definitely a CF! MoHzilla indeed 😡

Definitely bow out ASAP and let all the other hens know just in case they are panicking themselves

Allthewaves · 11/11/2017 08:11

Tell her straight why your not going pref in email you can cc all others in on. Then tell bride you can't go as it's mid week and don't have the annual leave

UnicornSparkles1 · 11/11/2017 08:23

Tell your brother they have a CF in their midst. Make it his problem.

Emphasise that with the preparations, wedding, honeymoon that you're worried about the bride discovering that she has very little AL left as CF MoH has gone ahead and booked her another three days off.

Theresahairbrushinthefridge · 11/11/2017 08:23

I am going against the consensus here. Ok so she has got it completely wrong but it’s not necessarily a malicious act designed to piss everyone off! She may well in her bubble have thought it sounded great and exactly what her friend wanted.

So.... instead of turning it into an act of war. Politely decline. Explain that you appreciate the effort she has put in but it’s simply it’s not possible for those of you who are working.

Act like an adult.

Presumably your friend, the bride, is the most important person in all this. She would be devastated if she knew what was happening. Put her first.

Theresahairbrushinthefridge · 11/11/2017 08:26

And if some people would like to go, including the hen, so be it. It’s perfectly acceptable to have an additional night out close to home where more people can come.

lionsleepstonight · 11/11/2017 08:37

I wouldn't even use 3 days AL for my own hen do and would be horrified to find out my hens had been asked!
The costs will increase too as food and booze needs to be bought and there'll have to be some kind of activity or entertainment, so 167 is the starting cost, not the end.
And factor in the extra needed to cover the cost of those that drop out or don't sign up in the first place.
This has disaster written all over it.

Get out now OP while you can.

LoniceraJaponica · 11/11/2017 08:38

Plus travel costs

Dobopdidoo1 · 11/11/2017 08:43

Just talk to her calmly and with the intention of finding a solution. It doesn’t have to be such a drama. Unless you want it to be...