Maid of Honor dictating hen party plans

[Nissan]

AIBU….

My brother is getting married next year. My family and I are very close to his fiance and I’m looking forward to being a part of the celebrations.

The bride’s MoH (a pretty close friend) has organised the hen.

All of the hens live in the same city…apart from the MoH…(important for later)

Last week, the MoH messaged everyone telling us all the plan that she is looking to arranging - two nights in a cottage with massage treatments & private dining experience.

This was the only option offered, with no chance of discussing other ideas.

Still, it all sounded ok until the cost came up (£2000 alone for the cottage for the 2 x nights), along with the fact it’s 20 minutes from the MoHs own home, and 150 miles away for the other 12 hens!

She’s a SAHM, and is saying the only time the cottage is free is on 2 x midweek nights, meaning all of us that work will have to take THREE DAYS annual leave?!

I said I’d have to think about it - she then told me the cottage has been booked and she’s put a deposit down, so “it’s happening anyway”. So she wasn't offering an option at all, she was telling me what was happening and how much I owe

I’m thinking she’s a major CF?!

Also…I’m thinking not many of the 12 will go for this plan, meaning the cost will be astronomical once it’s divided by like, 8 girls

My brother will be pretty upset if I don’t go. Should I just grin and bear the cost, seeing as she’s booked it already?

Talk to the others, and all organise an alternative that's nearer, and on a weekend. Don't present it as an either/or, present it as an and/and - ie say "official hen event sounds lovely, but I can't make it because of Essential Work Thing, hope you all have a wonderful time. Since I'm so sad to be missing it, I'm meeting up with bride on [weekend date] - would be lovely if you can make that, too." Cut the rug out from her feet.

Request is completely unreasonable. It’s a very expensive trip without then including 3 day’s annual leave!

I liked Sulver’s response

Definitely time for a coup. Agree with previous poster who says she's got some kind of deal (hence midweek) and is going to either get her space subsidised or pocket the money. I bet the cottage belongs to a friend or family member, hence they'll give her the freebie midweek only. Is it available to hire online - have you checked pricing and info on the site?

I really feel MN needs a popcorn emoji...

I do understand the suggestions to lie about a work course.

But I think the best reaponse in honest:

"that's too expensive for me, I don't want to use up 3 days leave, and it's really far for most of us, so I have to decline"

I would reply and say, "Thanks for looking into things and the cottage looks very nice. However, if you had consulted us before paying the deposit, I would have told you that I am unable to take annual leave then. I would have thought it would be preferable to find somewhere that is available over a weekend and perhaps closer to X. I don't mind researching some options. However, if it really can't be changed, I'll have to give the hen do a miss and arrange to do something low key with bride another time."
^ This.
And let all the others know too.
Bloody outrageous state of affairs!

YANBU- I would not take 3 days annual leave for anyone’s hen party

It is absolutely your right to contact the bride when you’re being railroaded into an expensive mid week two nighter.

Sending either of the messages above is fine - to bride or moh. If you contact the moh, I would be tempted to copy in the bride.

Cheeky bloody bitch. Don’t let her get away with that. She travels to you. Not the other way around.

I like that too Ellisandra. Tell her the truth OP.

I can't afford it.
I'm not willing to use up three days of annual leave.
It's miles away.
No can do.

Respond to the whole group now saying no can do.

Get the ball rolling.

Just say to her that it isn’t possible for you, but you are happy to look at alternatives that are cheaper. And tell your DB that MoH is planning something that won’t work. It’s ridiculous to expect you to take three days off work and spend that much money. The bride would be mortified (you'd think) that this is being proposed.

I would change 'the deposit' to 'your deposit'

How well do you know the other 11 hens? You need to start a whats app group or something and get this shot down PDQ. I think the others will be thanking you.

Also speak to the bride. You can tell her the gist of whats happening without going into specifics.

Oooh yes...'your deposit' not 'the deposit'. If she's gone ahead and paid a deposit without checking with everyone, it's her responsibility.

Set up a WhatsApp group so you’re all on it. Tell her on it that unfortunately it won’t work for you as it’s too expensive and requires too much annual leave. You’re be happy to set up drinks near home for anyone else who isn’t able to make it.

Then watch as all the other hens say ‘oh I’ll go for drinks with you’. Prime one of them if you can, as she can get the ball rolling on them all going to a local event with you.

I think I would start a group discussion and ask what the others think first. If they also don´t want to go (which I would imagine will be the common answer), then you can change it without involving the bride.

My brother will be pretty upset if I don’t go - with respect, your brother gets zero say in whether you go to his bride's hen do or not.

Just say no - and fast, before everyone does!

All you have to do is say "I can't afford that, and I can't take 3 days leave at this point with the wedding imminent, sorry - have a lovely time".

Then tell your brother and SIL inlaw the same but that you would love to do something local and affordable and special just with SIL or her and the others who will all drop out at the costs escalate

And if you haven't got all the hens number, ask the bride for them as you are planning something special. Do not ask moh for them.

She is one massive CF. YANBU. Can you arrange a local night out instead?

Gosh, what was she thinking?!

Fuck that! Definitely say no and say you'll arrange to do something else with the bride closer to home another time, do it in a group chat with the other hens so they see it and follow suit!!!

Oh my lord! How can a SAHM even afford that? CF!

What's app group chat and declare her plans so she can be shot down immediately.
Or suggest you all bring dc??

she's bonkers. silvers msg good

I would tell her that you cannot afford to go, and that she should not have booked it without getting firm replies. And sounding it out with people first, her fault, not yours.