To hire a cleaner to prove my point to DH?

[sameshitjustdifferentday]

It's another tedious "DH not pulling his weight in house" thread I'm afraid.

Long story short. I had a long talk with DH nearly two months ago about him not doing his fair share in the house, how disrespected it makes me feel etc. We set up a weekly cleaning rota and for a while it went well.

However it's gradually slipped back into the way things were. He will Hoover, but miss the stairs out/not Hoover up the cat/dog hair. Empty the bin, but fail to sweep kitchen floor afterwards when there's bits all over. I can only assume he thinks the fairies mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, clean under kitchen appliances etc because he never sodding does it! He's also slipped back into leaving dirty plates in kitchen sink overnight which is my biggest bugbear ever!

Would I be unreasonable to now get a cleaner in? I told him that would be my next move if he couldn't sort his shit out and he hasn't. Tbh we can't really afford it, but I'm not spending the rest of my life doing 90% of the shitwork and I've told him so.

Just feeling so let down by him right now. Ironically he wants us to buy a house asap. So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized house

Apologies OP, had only read 1st few pages. You might not want to read the thread I linked to, in that case.

No worries MoreProseccoNow I'll give it a miss

OP, don't get distressed about the children thing please, as no matter what you say, people won't read the full thread then they post their miracle solution without being fully informed. I think it's one of the most irritating things about Mumsnet that the original poster can't edit their post to clarify things like this.

With regards to the dishes by the sink article, did your husband read it? The fact that you don't feel it's 100% relevant doesn't take away from the spirit of it, and possibly the penny may drop for your husband if he reads it?

Its just seems to wrong to get married first and then start demanding your partner changes afterwards

Exactly. He’s cleaned the bathroom a handful of times in 2 years etc

Why get a puppy, compound the pet hair issue and then wonder online how you can live with his slovenly standards as, astoundingly, he has not stepped up to the grooming/ vacuuming

Just get the cleaner

If the pets are 'your pets' then why should he do the extra cleaning they generate?

They aren't my pets. He wanted them as much as me. However I do most of the caring for them, so they naturally cling to me more. Therefore if they split they'd have to come with me. My little dog would be lost without me and vice Versa.

Get a cleaner, life's too short to moan about housework

You said you would get a cleaner if he didn't do his share. He isn't doing his share. Get a cleaner. You will both be happier.

See how it worked with the hamster? Do that with either the cat or the dog. FFS don't take the dog out for a second walk. And why did you phone about the gas? I'd have selectively not seen the letter on the side the same as he didn't. If you are determined to save him from the natural consequences of Cant Be Bothered Just Leave It Nothing Bad Ever Happens then you stand zero chance of him behaving like an actual adult.

They all do "some things" though - my DH is remarkably similar to yours in his attitude to cleaning etc.

But that "dishes" article rammed home how it made me feel, quite effectively - as well as pointing out that it's not some sort of unreasonable expectation.

Get him to read it, seriously!

This nagging/resentment cycle sounds a bit joyless OP.
I'm in your husband's camp and I made it very clear before we moved in together that we had very different standards and I wasn't going to change all that much. He accepted that, and does the cleaning to his standard. But the vital thing is we don't argue about it. Life is really too short to argue about the quality of someone's vacuuming.

I would also argue that life is too short for me to be doing most of the cleaning, shopping and mental load coastal

I'm sorry, but why the hell should one person be responsible for nearly everything whilst the other one gets the comfy trappings of an ordered adult life they aren't really contributing towards? Where's the fairness in that? Are you suggesting I just suck it up and let him do fuck all?

Name change fail there. Oops

I’ll repeat. Get him to organise the cleaner. His mess. He can sort it out. He can hand over the cash that could be better spent elsewhere but isn’t because he isn’t willing to pull his weight.

I think things (or you and your partner?) are making life difficult for yourselves by being in a one bed flat with pets and an ageing kitchen that needs to be pristine to look OK.

An "average" level of cleanliness won't be enough to keep your place looking alright. So get a cleaner and just do the basics rest of week between you.

Longer term I would invest in a really good cordless vacuum and maybe look at somewhere else to live or renovate the kitchen in some way - paint cupboards, get a new worktop fitted, install more shelving?

It does sound like your standards are quite high and you are very particular - it's some dishes in the sink, unclench! Also don't understand why you'd have food all over the floor!

I really think this is an area where you can be right, or you can be happy. Nothing in what you’ve described makes me think your partner is a man child or has the attitude that domestic labour is your job. That’s where in these kind of threads I’d say yes the hardline is worth it. He could help more, but I truly think you’re on a hiding to unhappiness if your ideal outcome is that he does things your way.

What is the outcome that you want? Is it achievable? He’s not going to start spontaneously cleaning under the toaster, or hoovering to your standards. He’s not going to clean the cooker of his own volition. He could get enthused about being part of a team, and might want to pull his weight by doing things. He might take ownership of specific tasks: if you want someone to do that, you have to allow them autonomy to carry out that task as they see fit.

Boyfriend doesn’t fold clothes when he takes them off the dryer. It’s annoying, they all get bunched up. But I hardly ever have to think about putting washes on, buying laundry detergent, hanging clothes out. That’s a big part of the domestic load just handled. We did have hand wash gate when he 40 degrees washed one of my hand wash woollens, and I cried . But now those are my responsibility, and he does the rest. That I didn’t expect to appreciate, the washing up I truly appreciate. it did take a couple of years for him to see that if I was cooking, being surrounded by yesterday’s dishes made me grumpy.

The laundry is a key example of just letting him do it his way, and it gets done. The washing up is because we’re a team. He doesn’t ever notice if I wipe down kitchen cupboards or dust. He appreciates sparking bathroom but he’d a) never do it of his own volition b) not do it to the standard I like. So I do it.

I’m rambling, but I suppose it’s this: I chose to work with who he is and where we are, not how it should be. Enough happens that I feel supported, and his attitude is that he has a role to play. I hated the feelings of resentment before we found this arrangement. A cleaner was not an option for us, so I adjusted and he adjusted. Decide on your outcomes, assess whether they’re achievable and work out together how you can find a harmonious place.

DH sweeps floor, leaves the dirt and broom standing in the corner for the dustpan and brush fairy. (And the broom putting awayer fairy.) 😆

Do it. It will make you feel happier and give you more time. No brainer.

Maybe what you regard as reasonable he thinks is obsessive. Maybe he's right, maybe you are. Don't know.

Mumnetters: Mothers of boys need to raise their sons to fully participate in the household duties from an early age so they know it's what needs to be done and do not consider it 'womens work'. I'm raising a girl, and I hope future boyfriends she has will have a more considered, mature grip on life!

I love that a dh who does something is regarded as a rare gem. If he doesn't actually pull his weight it's not enough. I think op that you want to be a long time married. That means you need to deal with unfair situations now, so you can live to happy retirement together. As you said, life's too short to resent your partner. But I'd talk to him - present the situation and ask what he's going to do - is he going to organise a cleaner? (Because that's work in itself). Does he honestly think he can commit to changing? Is he prepared for you to go postal over every little thing because it's been so bloody long and of course once you wouldn't care but after years you just feel like it's totally shit and if something doesn't change you are concerned about happy retirement. Make him take some responsibility. And as for leaving the dishes overnight, only if he jumps up in the morning first to do them. Otherwise you wake him to do them.

Getting a cleaner will help. I have found it helps to ONLY do jobs when he does too - or at the very least sees what you are doing - unseen work is unnoticed work. But always be kind - I'm sure you are together for a good reason. These things just are VERY difficult.

Then I hope, in terms of equality and fairness, you're teaching her that employment is not considered mans work so she needs to do her share of that too.

Get a cleaner.

Agree with Aderyn17 . In between a bleached to an inch of its life to a filthy tip there is a tolerable range that most of us live in. Ideally partners exist in the same range AND divide labour (we always have done). There are things I don't care about/ don't see; I don't need to. I know XYZ annoys DH and he knows not doing ABC annoys me. We sort it.

I don't think your standards are impossibly high, clean surfaces every week sounds doable and reasonable. Yes is stronger than no when it comes to hygiene.even if you're both no.

Mumnetters: Mothers of boys need to raise their sons to fully participate in the household duties from an early age so they know it's what needs to be done and do not consider it 'womens work'. I'm raising a girl, and I hope future boyfriends she has will have a more considered, mature grip on life!

Agreed but it should be both parents raising their sons this way. Making mothers resoonsible is just another duty for women.

I think though, most men / fathers don't notice or acknowledge their privilege, selfishness, sexism and laziness.

I know, not all men etc but it's easier to raise a boy and a girl equally when there's no father around tbh. Even a good man would probably roll his eyes at the way I ''narrate'' tv shows.