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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hire a cleaner to prove my point to DH?

240 replies

sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 06:52

It's another tedious "DH not pulling his weight in house" thread I'm afraid.

Long story short. I had a long talk with DH nearly two months ago about him not doing his fair share in the house, how disrespected it makes me feel etc. We set up a weekly cleaning rota and for a while it went well.

However it's gradually slipped back into the way things were. He will Hoover, but miss the stairs out/not Hoover up the cat/dog hair. Empty the bin, but fail to sweep kitchen floor afterwards when there's bits all over. I can only assume he thinks the fairies mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, clean under kitchen appliances etc because he never sodding does it! He's also slipped back into leaving dirty plates in kitchen sink overnight which is my biggest bugbear ever!

Would I be unreasonable to now get a cleaner in? I told him that would be my next move if he couldn't sort his shit out and he hasn't. Tbh we can't really afford it, but I'm not spending the rest of my life doing 90% of the shitwork and I've told him so.

Just feeling so let down by him right now. Ironically he wants us to buy a house asap. So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized house

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 10/11/2017 10:15

Well MrsKoala if you're prepared to live like that, that's up to you. It sounds absolutely rank.

reetgood · 10/11/2017 10:17

@mrskoala ah the visual filing system! Yes my partner also prefers this method. We’ve come to a compromise over where this happens (his office). It took a number of years of him not being able to find stuff because I’d filed it not on the table/surface before he really got that communal areas were not safe. I have learnt to let some stuff be around for a week or so though, he genuinely uses the visual prompt as a to do list.

MrsPepperpot79 · 10/11/2017 10:20

Your DP just has different standards to you - as I do to mine. I like a level of hygiene, but have a huge tolerance for untidiness, whereas DP hates untidiness but apparently misses various hygiene things that bug me (he farms, regularly covered in dirt and will come in and sit on my clean sofa with his filthy work coat still on - all evening!!!). As we also have 3 young kids we have compromised, I nag the kids to tidy, he pays for a cleaner once a week (tenner an hour, does 2 hours) and do 2 hours myself once a week while he takes kids. I still resent his leaving dirty plates on the table/side and failing to do dishwasher when he then has the cheek to whinge about the kitchen looking messy though.... I still do 90% of the actual household chores - but then he will happily pay if i announce we need something so I guess that's kind of fair...

Bunnychopz · 10/11/2017 10:20

Sit down together. Write a list of all the jobs that need doing together. Together split them 50/50. Pin the jointly created rota on the wall. Don’t do his jobs. If he stops doing his jobs, stop cooking/washing clothes for him. You need to crack the issue now because it will be a million times worse if you have kids or a bigger house. It’s really worth pushing through.

MrsKoala · 10/11/2017 10:23

It's irrelevant tho Riding - My point is it isn't fair to impose your standards on others. It's their home as much as yours and they shouldn't feel uncomfortable (or like they have to run round frantically cleaning before you get home as if they are a naughty child). It's better to not be with someone if you can't live with them happily or come to an acceptable compromise. If they agree to things then it keeps sliding then i would infer they aren't really up for the compromise and just agreeing to keep you happy but it will inevitably slip because their heart isn't in it.

I was glad DH said what he did because it stopped this merry go round. Now i know. Now i put things in place. He has a room of his own to wallow in, all of his stuff gets moved there. Since we've had kids he's learned the hard way - but not enough - he left some phd notes strewn on the dining table yesterday and they got scribbled on. Oh dear. And don't get me started on losing his wallet/keys/travel pass....

Oddmanout · 10/11/2017 10:27

I agree with MrsKoala and reetgood - people have different priorities and standards and it is their home too. As with all things in a relationship, compromise is best.

And no, compromise doesn't mean him doing it to your standards because you say so.

Needadvicetoleave · 10/11/2017 10:30

DH and I have wildly different standards on house work (it's not a man/woman thing - it's a 'DH grew up in a house where only the bear minimum was done by anyone' thing).

He can see how much it frustrates me but other than doing things because he knows they should be done (rather than thinking they need to be done) there's little he can do. And because he only knows they should be done, rather than seeing why they need to be done he doesn't always do them properly.

So we are getting a cleaner. He has admitted that he just can't do the levels of housework I expect.

maddiemookins16mum · 10/11/2017 10:30

Personally I think it might just make him do less than before.
.

HebeJeeby · 10/11/2017 10:35

Yes, he should do the cleaning and I totally get how you feel about him ignoring your feelings. I would get a cleaner though as it’s going to positively impact upon your quality of life. Yes, you will still have to address the dirty dishes overnight and yes he still gets out of the cleaning but he does that anyway so, do what helps you and makes your life better. Even if you don’t have to maybe cut back on his tasty food/beer etc... just for a few weeks to make the point hit home so that his laziness impacts upon him.

MrsKoala · 10/11/2017 10:47

I never really got the 'ignoring your feelings' argument. Surely it works the same the other way - you are ignoring his feelings by insisting he clean something he doesn't want to.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 10/11/2017 10:47

Just to re-emphasise that it should be him getting the cleaner. Why on earth you?

dorislessingscat · 10/11/2017 10:48

It’s not about cleanliness, it’s about respect.

OP your DH is lazy and disrespectful. Getting a cleaner will not solve that.

What’s the rest of your relationship like?

Oddmanout · 10/11/2017 10:50

Isn't she just as disrespectful to him for making him do what she wants how she wants it doris?

Loveatthefiveanddime · 10/11/2017 10:53

Also, I get what you are saying and actually agree with you about the dishwasher/washing up thing. But see if you can fit a slimline one in, that would solve the problem of the dishes in the sink thing and that would be worth a lot. Really, really worth it I think and not at all worth digging your heels in about if you can possibly sort it.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 10/11/2017 10:54

But some things like the cat litter try would be rank oddmanout

Bananamanfan · 10/11/2017 11:02

Yes, get a cleaner! No question, i did and i feel so much better about things.
It just doesn't work to let your standards drop, it will be driving you mad and he still won't give a shit.

Bananamanfan · 10/11/2017 11:03

And he won't give a shit and won't want to spend the money.

Bananamanfan · 10/11/2017 11:04

Sorry, i mean he won't get a cleaner for reasons above. Do it, op?

dorislessingscat · 10/11/2017 11:04

* Isn't she just as disrespectful to him for making him do what she wants how she wants it doris?*

No. OP’s husband also wants clean plates and clean clothes. He just wants someone else to do it for him.

I think if you live alone you can be as dirty and untidy as you like. If you share with someone you need to up your standards. And I speak and the untidy person in my relationship.

I also think responding to someone’s needs in this way shows love. Which is again something we should aspire to in our relationships.

MinervaSaidThar · 10/11/2017 11:08

I left DH's dishes on the counter for over a week regularly until he got the message.

Any rubbish he left on the floor stayed there as well.

It was annoying but I could live with it because he DOES know and he LIKES a tidy house. He just thought I should do it.

I don't do his laundry.

RosaTheOwl · 10/11/2017 11:15

OP I also live in a small flat

I don't have a cleaner and I can't imagine I ever would, mostly because it's not the big weekly clean that can be a problem, it's the daily stuff.

so what concerns me is if your DH won't learn to pick up after himself, there's the costs and then you will still be looking at dirty dishes in the sink for most of the week anyway.

I really do think this is a case where he needs to shape up - unless you're prepared to live with this, but I woudn't, I can only speak for me though! It might be easier in a house of course, but fundamentally, if he won't clean up after himself that's a big problem and not necessarily one that can be solved by getting a cleaner.

lynmilne65 · 10/11/2017 11:38

My elec kept tripping, culprit due to mummified mouse !

lynmilne65 · 10/11/2017 11:39

how does anyone even do that??

lynmilne65 · 10/11/2017 11:43

you have to clean when a jar of honey explodes 😱

MrsKoala · 10/11/2017 11:44

No. OP’s husband also wants clean plates and clean clothes. He just wants someone else to do it for him.

Sorry - can't see that posted by OP. I thought the way she was saying it he wasn't bothered.

I read a book called unfuck your habitat a while back and one of the points was that if you live with them you cannot expect them to be on the same page as you in terms of cleanliness. It suggested you sit and say something direct to them and decide on a work around, like 'i don't like living with your stuff all over teh floor, i understand you are not going to pick it up, but for my sanity i will be putting it in this plastic box and leaving it all in the hallway'. Or 'If you leave your dishes in the sink i will take that as a signal you do not want dinner that night and i wont be cooking till they are cleaned'. etc. Would something like that work?

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