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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hire a cleaner to prove my point to DH?

240 replies

sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 06:52

It's another tedious "DH not pulling his weight in house" thread I'm afraid.

Long story short. I had a long talk with DH nearly two months ago about him not doing his fair share in the house, how disrespected it makes me feel etc. We set up a weekly cleaning rota and for a while it went well.

However it's gradually slipped back into the way things were. He will Hoover, but miss the stairs out/not Hoover up the cat/dog hair. Empty the bin, but fail to sweep kitchen floor afterwards when there's bits all over. I can only assume he thinks the fairies mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, clean under kitchen appliances etc because he never sodding does it! He's also slipped back into leaving dirty plates in kitchen sink overnight which is my biggest bugbear ever!

Would I be unreasonable to now get a cleaner in? I told him that would be my next move if he couldn't sort his shit out and he hasn't. Tbh we can't really afford it, but I'm not spending the rest of my life doing 90% of the shitwork and I've told him so.

Just feeling so let down by him right now. Ironically he wants us to buy a house asap. So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized houseHmm

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 10/11/2017 16:02

Yes, that’s the quote I was looking for.

RidingWindhorses · 10/11/2017 16:10

I suppose i don't see it as my job to ensure another adults grasps anything

I would agree. And personally I have never got involved with a man who didn't understand that already. I couldn't be arsed to spend my energy teaching something someone should already know.

But I'd take that over giving up work and doing it all for him as you have done. You've sacrificed your job to look after him (and family) and basically taken on the role of his mother (foregoing your own earnings and pension to do so while he earns as well as benefiting from your properties, while you only have the latter). The mother role is far more infantilising than bringing someone up to speed with adult life.

MrsKoala · 10/11/2017 16:34

If I’d have actually had a decent job and not a call centre on min wage my decision may have been different! Grin Pur properties are purchased together so I wouldn’t have them without him anyway.

HandbagKrabby · 10/11/2017 16:39

Op it has taken a long time for my dh to get it. We had a cleaner but for various reasons we didn’t when we moved house but having children made it clear to my husband that you can’t let your kids live in filth and squalor and that it’s not my role to do it all for everyone. I’d say it’s not fair on animals to not keep their areas clean and hygienic. It’s not like animals or children have a choice in where they live, unlike adults who can indulge themselves with no end of gadgets and people who can come in and look after your home.

Julie8008 · 10/11/2017 16:42

Two different sets of standards. If you dictate your standards and try to force your partner to obey what you want, then its not surprising he sees it as your area of responsibility because you are claiming it.

Its would be just as valid for him to say, here are my standards and you have to adhere to them whether you like it or not. But of course your not seeing his pov.

What would be fair, would be to agree a set of standards in-between, where you both compromise equally on how you want it to be.

Original poster
sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 17:15

This thread has moved fast...

RosaTheOwl I couldn't agree more. It IS the definition of madness. Therefore there will be no more cleaning rotas etc. They basically just add to my mental load as it's me who has to remind him we need to do it every Sunday night.

Yes he helps in other ways. He takes out bins etc. He would always hoover etc if I was out as work for day and him in the house. Everything beyond obvious surface stuff always falls to me though...

He walks dog, but not very far. Therefore I'll have to take her out again after work. He has no clue when dog or cats worming, fleas etc need doing. Ditto he'd never notice if they were running out of food.

I will not be lowering my standards. I don't think wanting kitchen and bathroom cleaned properly once a week etc is unreasonable. I can't live in a dirty flat with pets. Why should I? I don't accept this different standards thing. Surely a part of married life is ensuring a certain level of comfort for each other and pride in the home you're building together? Stay single if you prefer a dirty bathtub and a sink clogged with bits of foodHmm

Also don't think IBU cleaning under toaster once a week. We're in London. It would just draw in vermin otherwise.

OP posts:
RosaTheOwl · 10/11/2017 17:25

I agree. It doesn't sound like you're asking for anything unreasonable. Also it sounds like he doesn't pull his weight with the pets either.

Bunnychopz · 10/11/2017 17:29

He should find and pay the cleaner because then he can see the money going out and knows his lack of effort effects the house deposit budget.

Aderyn17 · 10/11/2017 17:54

Living in a basically clean/hygienic house (esp with pets) is the default setting for sharing a living space. It's not a question of her standards being more important than his (or vice versa) but more that if one person is stepping outside of the socially accepted norm ie either wanting to live in a filthy shithole, or wanting the skirting boards bleached every day, then that is the person whose behaviour ought to change.
If they are unwilling to do this, then imho they don't deserve to share a home with someone. I would leave a man whose attitude and behaviour told me that he didn't give a shit about my comfort and he would carry on being a slob, knowing I would clean up after him.

MrsKoala · 10/11/2017 18:02

I certainly wouldn't have pets with someone who wouldn't clean up after them. They take a lot of looking after. DH suggested a puppy. Once. Ha. Ha. Joker!

mtpaektu · 10/11/2017 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenUrth · 10/11/2017 18:16

Have you read the article "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink"?
www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

The writer explains how in retrospect, all the little things that he failed to help with, and left for his wife to think about doing as well as doing them, gradually chipped away at his marriage until it was beyond saving. It wasn't about leaving the dishes by the sink, but it was only later that the writer could see it was about love, respect and appreciation.

Maybe print it out and stick it on the fridge!

PeteMe · 10/11/2017 18:19

definitely get one, and make sure he pays for it.

Bicyclethief · 10/11/2017 18:39

My dh is fantastic, this issue just doesn't arise but what really surprised me when we first got together was how some women reacted. Two close friends whose DPs do absolutely nothing were shocked that I "made" my dh do housework.Hmm yet complained that had to do everything. I don't get it especially when they then try to justify it "oh but he's really good at putting his clothes in the laundry basket" .

MoreProseccoNow · 10/11/2017 18:50

Would you put up with this behaviour from a flat-mate? It sounds like he just wants a mummy to sort him out. Your husband is not on your team, he is not your partner in the true sense of the word.

Don’t underestimate how much an issue this will be in the future, especially if you have children.The resentment will kill your love for him. This kind of behaviour is usually demonstrated by men who have misogynistic streaks, and once you have children, it just gets worse.

The link above, about the “dirty dishes by the sink” blog is very true.

I don’t envy you; having been in that same scenario I wish I’d run for the hills & not had DC with him. Don’t be me!!!

Bicyclethief · 10/11/2017 18:55

Yes, run for the hills. I have seen lots of examples where men are just sitting around doing nothing or getting to do their hobbies whilst their partners are running rugged with work, house and kids. I've had to stop myself smacking them. This isn't love.

Sevendown · 10/11/2017 19:12

To me it sounds like the pets are a huge part of the problem.

Did he really want them?

If you split would he keep them?

It sounds like he resents the extra work they create.

MoreProseccoNow · 10/11/2017 19:17

OP, have you read the thread in the Feminism section on “facilitated men”. It’s a very interesting read, and a bit of an eye-opener.

You probably won’t want to buy a house with him after reading it 😂. Which might not be a bad thing (seriously).

Original poster
sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 19:19

I'll repeat again...I can't have children. It's actually quite distressing that people keep saying that even though I've said at least three times that I'm infertile. Please read the thread!

I've read the dishes thread in the past. I can relate to a point, but he does do some things so not totally the same.

I sometimes wonder if I AM too tightly wound. I'm always doing something and I get so anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 19:22

Yes he wanted the pets. He has no reason to resent them because I do all the work (apart from the hamster which I leave to him as he is his pet. I'm very resolute about not caring for him)

If we split the cat and dog would go with me. They love me the most🙂

I haven't read that MoreProseccoNow I'll have a lookSmile

OP posts:
Julie8008 · 10/11/2017 19:26

What I dont get is how some women get themselves in this situation. Don't people ever live together before they get married and find out if you are compatible.

Its just seems to wrong to get married first and then start demanding your partner changes afterwards. Or are these men clean freaks when they are single and as soon as they are married change into a slob?

NoSquirrels · 10/11/2017 19:29

I was coming here to recommend the "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink" article too. It's the only thing that's got my DH's proper understanding in years and years of this argument.

Mxyzptlk · 10/11/2017 19:33

So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized house

Explain that you don't want to take on all the work involved in a full sized house, so you need him to demonstrate (by actually paying attention to what needs done in the flat, and doing it) that that won't happen.

MrsDc7 · 10/11/2017 19:36

Omg do it. I've hired one after a similar issue with my DH. I said he either pulled his weight or paid for a cleaner... and he chose to pay for the cleaner. It has changed my life!

Mxyzptlk · 10/11/2017 19:36

Try your rota again, but maybe be more explicit about exactly what you expect.

Ask him for possible solutions to the cleaning problem. If he thinks a rota is a good idea, get him to organise it.

Don't continue to be the only one taking responsibility for this.