To hire a cleaner to prove my point to DH?

[sameshitjustdifferentday]

It's another tedious "DH not pulling his weight in house" thread I'm afraid.

Long story short. I had a long talk with DH nearly two months ago about him not doing his fair share in the house, how disrespected it makes me feel etc. We set up a weekly cleaning rota and for a while it went well.

However it's gradually slipped back into the way things were. He will Hoover, but miss the stairs out/not Hoover up the cat/dog hair. Empty the bin, but fail to sweep kitchen floor afterwards when there's bits all over. I can only assume he thinks the fairies mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, clean under kitchen appliances etc because he never sodding does it! He's also slipped back into leaving dirty plates in kitchen sink overnight which is my biggest bugbear ever!

Would I be unreasonable to now get a cleaner in? I told him that would be my next move if he couldn't sort his shit out and he hasn't. Tbh we can't really afford it, but I'm not spending the rest of my life doing 90% of the shitwork and I've told him so.

Just feeling so let down by him right now. Ironically he wants us to buy a house asap. So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized house

Whether you can have children isn't really the the point, a) he outsources whole areas of life to you without your consent which you'll be doing this for the rest of your life, and b) if you wanted to adopt or foster later on all of this would weigh in.

reetgood He may well hoover and dust, but he does it in a half arsed fashion. I really don't accept that a man who holds down a responsible job (ironically supporting others) can't see that he hasn't lifted the cat hair off the floor! Tbh I resent the idea that I should be appreciative of his efforts. Where does this idea that men should be praised merely for (badly) attempting house work come from?

expatinscotland We've discussed the mental load on many occasions. Yet strangely it still all seems to fall on me :/

MrsK - so not only do you live in shit tip you can't work while you're with this man. So you have no income and presumably no pension?

It just isn't in the way you think it should be

I don't give a shit what you and your DH do. It's your life.

If you can't afford a cleaner, how are you going to buy a house ASAP (like your DH wants) ???

Good idea. Get a cleaner to do his share and get him to pay for it personally. Ideally get her to clean at a time that he is at home, maybe he will pick a few things up.

I quite admire your determination to tackle the root issues here op. It’s not right, and it’s not fair that men manage to be perfectly capable all day at work but become utterly useless the minute they walk through the door. I’ve long since given up trying to deal with it myself though. I just run myself ragged and pay the cleaner and dog walker. It’s still shit though, but he is good in other ways. I hope I’m doing better with our son.

We could afford a cleaner Crunchymum but not effortlessly. It pisses me off that we might have to though. Two adults should be able to manage a small flat without help!

Thank you Motherbear The strident feminist in me will not let this lie. I'm gearing up for another exhausting conversation about it tonight.

Does he contribute to the household tasks in other ways? Like DIY, laundry, walking the dog, helping to change sheets, organising and paying bills?

Dishes in the sink overnight would really piss me off - there is something so unsightly about them. Do you have a dishwasher? We always split it that whoever didn't make dinner clears the dishes away and wipes down the surfaces after a meal - immediately. Could you introduce a halfway solution where instead of them festering in the sink, they are neatly stacked in a washing bowl?

Riding - i have no income and no pension. But we own some property so if anything were to happen i have enough to live on. I'm not in a vulnerable position financially. I don't live in a shit tip either. I just said DH doesn't do any cleaning and I don't work because keeping the house and kids without any help is a full time job. I would only return to work if it was split 50/50 because i know i would be working full time AND doing everything. He wont/can't do anything so it means no working for me. It's an agreement we have made and are happy with.

Im glad you're happy with it, but that level of compromise wouldn't work for many if not most women, so it's not really relevant to the OP.

Crikey - i'm not sure how much clearer to say it. I'm not remotely suggesting the OP uses the same model as us. I have said tho that a level of compromise and agreement is crucial if you aren't going to spend your life miserable. That people rarely change if their heart isn't in it and they feel they are only doing it for someone else. I have suggested a book which is useful and other things.

"nomad I've tried the whole "I'd be up for more sex/less stressed etc" Even that isn't working.

I've told him my deepest fantasy is to wake up with him out of bed before me and the animals fed and watered without me doing it. It's still yet to happen."

Yeah that's the way to really sell the sex angle - turn him on with stories of feeding pets

Who's heart is in cleaning? He's not doing it 'for someone else' he's doing it to be a functioning adult. Plenty of women manage to ensure their partner grasps that domestic chores are part of adult responsibilities (if he didn't already).

She's not selling the sex angle, but the cleaning angle.

I don't know OP - your standards sound quite high to me - I never clean under the toaster (maybe 1-2 times per year), and stair hoovering... now and then. However I keep key areas clean.

Maybe you need to drop your standards a bit and meet in the middle. No one ever died from crumbs under the toaster.

Get the cleaner and tell him to pay 3/4 of the bill, because its his fault you need one.
Honestly, this is a deal breaker for me. It shows such contempt for someone you claim to love.

@sameshitjustdifferentday not suggesting you should praise! Just accept that he will do things differently to you. It doesn't make him incompetent to not care about certain bits of housework. I adopted this stance when housesharing with a mixed gender household, it's not always men who do things differently to us. There is, of course, a gender dimension to this if you are a hetero couple sharing a home. I am just describing what worked for me with regards to this, not saying it's how you should go. For me in our relationship, it's not a hill I'm wanting to die on. The attitude of my partner as much as his actions helped me make that adjustment. I do feel that he contributes and supports, so I don't mind that if I want a clean cooker, I'm cleaning the cooker. Other people may have a different set up.

@ridingwinghorses I really don't think it's that unusual. I suspect I have a similar approach to @mrskoala. I just chose a way where I get a minimum standard of housekeeping, and don't have to sit there feeling resentful/ spending time 'managing' housework. As I said in a previous post though, with my partner it's genuinely about different standards and he will do stuff to pull his weight, not because he particularly notices when things are dusted.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't be with DP if we didn't have a cleaner.

He's exactly the same. He'll grudgingly clean kitchen counters when asked, but refuses to do anything to the floors, even when visibly filthy. I don't think my standards are unreasonably high, but living in squalor or inviting rodents in is where I think any sane person should draw the line. Having a cleaner only gives me temporary respite from the worst of the problem though, and doesn't actually resolve it.

I don't mean heart in cleaning, i mean heart in changing - regardless of what it is.

I suppose i don't see it as my job to ensure another adults grasps anything. I would think that was a job for his parents while he was growing up. I'm not going to assume the role of parent. On these threads there are often people offering ways to train the men, offering sex as a reward and stuff. It all seems a bit infantilising or puppy trainy to me.

Isn't there an Einstein quote about madness being doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. If you repeatedly have a conversation with someone about something and nothing ever changes, it's unlikely it's going to if you carry on with the same approach.

If it's the 'big clean' things the OP wants done then i think she is right in hiring a cleaner, or leaving, or being miserable. If it's the daily tidy debris stuff i'd recommend a big plastic box to pile all his shit in and leave it by his side of the bed - keeps the place looking tidy and takes seconds.Or leaving of course.

Oh OP, he sounds worse and worse the more you post. Lazy fucker who thinks pretty much everything around the house is your responsibility It seems as though he loves not pulling his weight more than he's botered about upsetting you, and that's not good. He needs to read she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink before you fall out of love with him.

My key to a happy marriage? A cleaner. Had one in a 2-bed flat, have one in a 4-bed house.
If you can afford it why not? I’d eat beans on toast daily to keep mine. She keeps us sane

'xpatinscotland We've discussed the mental load on many occasions. Yet strangely it still all seems to fall on me :/'

And it always will because you'll carry on doing it. Who wiped his arse before he moved in with you? Who did all the lifework before you came on the scene and he assumed it was your job because you have a vagina? Sounds like all your discussions go round in circles.

OP "The strident feminist in me will not let this lie. I'm gearing up for another exhausting conversation about it tonight"

why do you think another conversation will help?

would the strident feminist in you consider separate homes? I do know someone who ended up getting divorced over this kind of thing. She works away a lot and coming home to a tip each time....there was one time she suddenly thought "is this home better clean and emtpy of him" and the answer was yes!

oh and OP don't forget the definition of madness - constantly doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Nothing wrong with getting a cleaner..... however, you seem to be judging him by your standards and not considering that it might be that he simply has different standards.
Huw many people honestly clean under kitchen appliances regularly?!

Try your rota again, but maybe be more explicit about exactly what you expect.