To hire a cleaner to prove my point to DH?

[sameshitjustdifferentday]

It's another tedious "DH not pulling his weight in house" thread I'm afraid.

Long story short. I had a long talk with DH nearly two months ago about him not doing his fair share in the house, how disrespected it makes me feel etc. We set up a weekly cleaning rota and for a while it went well.

However it's gradually slipped back into the way things were. He will Hoover, but miss the stairs out/not Hoover up the cat/dog hair. Empty the bin, but fail to sweep kitchen floor afterwards when there's bits all over. I can only assume he thinks the fairies mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, clean under kitchen appliances etc because he never sodding does it! He's also slipped back into leaving dirty plates in kitchen sink overnight which is my biggest bugbear ever!

Would I be unreasonable to now get a cleaner in? I told him that would be my next move if he couldn't sort his shit out and he hasn't. Tbh we can't really afford it, but I'm not spending the rest of my life doing 90% of the shitwork and I've told him so.

Just feeling so let down by him right now. Ironically he wants us to buy a house asap. So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized house

No PurpleDaisies I meant that I would never behave to DH like he is to me over the house cleaning.

It makes me very sad that he gives that little of a fuck about my feelings. Also the whole "I'm a man. I can't see dirt"bollocks is just SO disappointing.

That only might work if it definitely would end up coming out of his football ticket money. But I think if you feel it comes from a lack of respect for you, that's a wider issue that happens to be manifesting itself like this right now. What's he like with everything else?

Also, are your cleaning standards very high? To be honest I'd flip my lid if my partner told me not to leave dishes in the sink overnight if I had planned to leave them for the morning.

It makes me very sad that he gives that little of a fuck about my feelings. Also the whole "I'm a man. I can't see dirt"bollocks is just SO disappointing

That’s why I don’t think getting a cleaned will help here. He’ll still be the same person.

I think get a cleaner . How clean the house is obviously matters more to you than him.

I don't think my standards are that high pigeondujour I'm not obsessively scrubbing the place all the time or anything.

It's only a small flat though and there's a cat, dog and two people in it. It can get untidy very quickly if it's not kept on top of.

I can't stand dirty plates left overnight though. I'm almost phobic about it. Getting up to dirty plates in the sink makes me feel a bit ill. I'm always up first as well, so I'd have to face them over my morning toast!

Yeah, that'll teach him, get another woman to do the jobs he should be doing. If it comes out of joint money, do you really think he'll stop going to the footie or what ever he likes? No, just comes out of joint money and there'll be less for things you both do.

Purple - each cleaner is getting £10ph because OP is paying £20 for one hour's worth of cleaning.

That's still the lower end of the scale for London. An older relative pays their cleaner £7ph and sometimes doesn't pay her the full amount on the day, waiting until the next time. I've tried to explain that's exploitation, but she is very stubborn.

I actually think that pointing out the cleaning money has been taken from the ‘yummy foods’ budget has merit. I’m the type who’d stick both weekly menus to the fridge- usual menu vs The New Menu. Emphasis on the distinct lack of steak, and substitution of tap water.

If you are forced to play 1950’s housewifey, then them’s the rules! Rule a man through his stomach!

Be clear that there will be 8 weeks of The New Menu, regardless of protestations or promises to clean. Then there will be a family cleaning weekend where every room is done properly, redone if required. Then a sit-down conversation as to which method will be used going forward. Was the proper self-clean effort worth it for steak and beer at dinner? Every week? Forever? Or cleaner and tap water couscous future.

Ahem, I have two houses. I have two cleaners. They both are men. If I need extra help for an event or big clean, they bring in extra...men.

OP, he still needs to contribute to the household work though - washing dishes or loading and unloading dishwasher, doing laundry, ironing, etc. It's his attitude that needs to change. What happens if you have a baby?

YANBU to get a cleaner but unless there is other poor behaviour OP isn’t telling us about I don’t think this is an ltb situation.

Honestly, they genuinely don’t see it.

I deliberately did nothing for a month. Didn’t clean showers or anything, it drove me insane and the fallout when I finally blew was a joy to behold. But the point is no one else in the house noticed or thought to do anything. They didn’t notice their beds hadn’t been changed or towels even. I think it is finally sorted though. The kids can live in their own filth they’re old enough as long as the stench doesn’t permeate into the rest of the house and I do nothing if everyone else is doing nothing so we clean together at the same time, granted I still initiate it. I have noticed DH now sees other things though. Last week he was hoovering and the next thing I see he’s washing the front door!!?

Ps it took 25 years to reach this point.

As marriage is a two way partnership, perhaps you could drop your standards to match his?

There is always a box to think outside of if you look for it.

It seems overkill to get a cleaner for a one bedroom flat, how long per day does it actually take to clean? It can't be much at all.

If it's his only flaw it can be changed and compromised on, presumably he lives with your flaws without resorting to petty measures i.e. Swapping food for a service

How much cleaning does a one bedroom flat take? I know you want him to do his share, but it's surely not worth getting a cleaner in. Imo far more important to save money to upsize, although not until you've worked out how compatible you are.

Doesn't the food thing only work if he has no access to shops or money himself? He's absolutely in the wrong for not pulling his weight, but you really can't try and punish your partner for their flaws through food or money.

Getting up to dirty plates in the sink makes me feel a bit ill

Blimey Princess, I dread to think about the histrionics at shovelling up cat and dog shit that must occur

The alternative is me constantly naggging him or doing nearly everything myself.

Including arranging said cleaner, and working out which budget you are going to use to pay for them.

We both work full time, and do half of the chores, have a cleaner and we go halves on it each time. I arrange it but that's because I work from home. It's not because I am punishing my OH, but because I hate cleaning and would rather pay for it than do it.

If you get a cleaner will he be doing less than half still, or will this even things out? Or will you still do everything else whilst he sits on the sofa with his legs spread watching tv? That is your main issue, him not whether you get a cleaner or not.

The trouble with that approach Skittlesandbeer is that it means more planning and delegating for me to do, which Im already bloody sick of. I do see what you're getting at though. DH barely drinks and we're both vegetarian, so I can't even get him on the beer and steak

I can't lower my standards. I'd have a house covered in hair that stank of cat and dog. I can't live like that!

I always thinking cleaning should be one of the few jobs that men are naturally better at, as it involves strength and physical exertion, and reaching up and down to things.

There may be another side to this, which is you wish him to clean to your standards, not his. You admit yours are quite high due to the condition of the flat, his are clearly a lot lower, but may be perfectly acceptable to others. Why should yout standards be what counts and not his? It’s his home and his life too.

To put it into context, our house is always clean and tidy, but I don’t clean under the microwave on a frequent basis.

So I’d say get a cleaner and stop all the arguments. We’ve one, she does two hours a week, twenty quid, and does the majority of the big stuff. Hoovering, beds, bathrooms, kitchen etc and we just keep on top of it the rest of the time.

If the condition of the flat is that bad, I’d just move, and have a cleaner there too. There really is more to life than arguing about whether the stairs need a hoover or not.

I take it you have no kids?

A one-bad flat still needs the bathrooma and kitchen cleaned every week and it still needs hoovering and mopping.

We moved from a one-bed to a 3 bed semi and I don't think the housework increased massively.

What is annoying, whether it's a one bed or a 3 bed, is a partner who sits on his arse a d expects the woman to clean or pretends he doesn't see the dirt.

The thing is a cleaner isn't going to sort out the plates in the sink overnight issue.

We've almost always had cleaners except when we lived in a small flat as we just didn't need it. No animals though and we were both out all day which probably made a difference.

So once a week your flat will be clean. Daily crumbs under the toaster and bits under the microwave or plates in th sink will still be an issue surely?

I was so fed up of crumbs under the toaster, I binned the damn thing. We now just use the grill and keep the oven door shut so I can’t see the crumbs