To hire a cleaner to prove my point to DH?

[sameshitjustdifferentday]

It's another tedious "DH not pulling his weight in house" thread I'm afraid.

Long story short. I had a long talk with DH nearly two months ago about him not doing his fair share in the house, how disrespected it makes me feel etc. We set up a weekly cleaning rota and for a while it went well.

However it's gradually slipped back into the way things were. He will Hoover, but miss the stairs out/not Hoover up the cat/dog hair. Empty the bin, but fail to sweep kitchen floor afterwards when there's bits all over. I can only assume he thinks the fairies mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, clean under kitchen appliances etc because he never sodding does it! He's also slipped back into leaving dirty plates in kitchen sink overnight which is my biggest bugbear ever!

Would I be unreasonable to now get a cleaner in? I told him that would be my next move if he couldn't sort his shit out and he hasn't. Tbh we can't really afford it, but I'm not spending the rest of my life doing 90% of the shitwork and I've told him so.

Just feeling so let down by him right now. Ironically he wants us to buy a house asap. So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized house

And i agree it's the daily tidying which grinds you down, not the 'big clean' type jobs. Perhaps buy him unfuck your habitat - it is all about doing just small bits everyday rather than one big clean and letting it go to shit because you think you have 'done it'.

Get a male cleaner, and make sure the appointments are when DH is home.

Agreed cat litter is rank, but wiping under the microwave every day is obsessive.

MrsKoala - It's entirely relevant as most people, including men, don't want to live in a an actively dirty environment. It's not that common for both partners, as in your case, to be content to live in a pigsty. The reality is simply that men know that if they don't do it their partners will.

If it's not fair to impose your standards on others - that includes low standards of hygiene and cleanliness.

You didn't manage to reach a compromise you simply capitulated to your husband as you appear to want to be married to him more than you mind living in a tip. That's fine, but it's not a choice many people could make.

Hire a cleaner to make YOUR life easier. You will not regret it.

That is entirely my point Riding. It is a choice you have to decide upon and the standard we live in in our house is irrelevant to anyone else. The point is we have both made our choices and lived with them. What i couldn't bare (bear?) is that cycle we were stuck in where i nagged, he faintly agreed, did it for a short while, then slipped and it all started again. We were both miserable.

I have compromised - a compromise doesn't have to be 50/50. It can be at any point of the scale. He has compromised too. It just isn't in the way you think it should be. Our compromise is i will never work while we are together as i'll be fucked if i'm working full time and doing 100% of everything. As i said tho, it's irrelevant because it has to be what will work for both of you.

When did I say I wipe under the microwave every day? Of course I don't. I do like the works surfaces wiped down properly once a week though. Other wise it just gets grim.

Tasks that ALWAYS fall to me include...

Proper cleaning of kitchen. By which I mean cleaning surfaces, sink, sweeping and mopping floor, cleaning the accumulated cat hair from skirting boards.

Proper cleaning of bathroom. I think he's done it three times in the two years we've lived together. Am I genetically predisposed to prefer keeping the toilet shit free due to having a vagina?

All proper hoovering. By which I mean actually doing the stairs, getting in corners, under bed and getting the animal hair up.

All dusting whigh doesn't involve just dusting round things.

He's never cleaned the oven or the fridge. Ever.

Cleaning the surface we feed cat on. She loves to get it manky.

Ditto emptying her tray.

Brushing our long haired puppy. When we (mutually agreed ) to get a long haired breed I explained she would need brushing every day and he said he would help. He has yet to pick up a brush or arrange a groomers appointment.

I hear what people are saying regarding different expectations. I honestly don't think I am excessive though. I just want a nice clean home to relax in. Having animals makes it even more important imo. I don't want the place to stink of animals. Which it doesn't, but only because I make sure of it!

I've tried the cleaning rotas, calmly explaining how I feel, shouting and screaming. Nothing works. I would find nothing sexier than him doing more in the house. It would really help with my anxiety. He doesn't seem to take anything I say on board for more than a few weeks.

I even bought a copy of Wife work and read big passages out to him to try and help him see my point of view ffs!

If it's not fair to impose your standards on others - that includes low standards of hygiene and cleanliness.

And i totally agree with this. Which is why it's important to be well matched in your standards.

Oh yes it’s your high standards op, it’s ocd not to want to live in a house full of cat shit and dog hair.

Tbh people only change if they want to. My other half does loads because he doesn’t want our children or us to live in a shit pit. He does loads without being asked or directed because he understands it's fucking infuriating to me and he doesn’t want to piss me off as he loves me. The benefits he gets from doing stuff is he gets to live in a clean tidy house, eat, wear clean clothes and have a happy wife who’s not seething with resentment as she picks up dirty pants from the bathroom floor.

A cleaner may help but the day to day stuff will still be there. Only you can decide if the rest of the relationship outweighs the day to day grinding down of being the only one that gives a shit about these things.

He does empty/wash the bin and take the recycling out.

HandBagCrabby your OH sounds fab

My DH can also be fab. He's been an absolute rock whilst we've lived through the nightmare of infertility. It's been horrendous.

I do love him very much. I feel like we are just stuck in this cycle though and I really can't see it changing. Hence the cleaner idea to save my sanity.

Well, never issue a threat that you're not prepared to follow through with, so if that's what you've said you will do, then you need to do it.

Cleaners!! We get a cleaning company to come in around three times a month to do all those things you said so we just keep up with day to day items like washing up (dishwasher) washing, occasionally hoovering etc - costs us around 24 each time they come so less than 100 - month

it does sound tough OP. What were/is his parents house like? I only ask because if it's really tidy he may be used to someone else doing it or if (like in my DHs case - growing up with a hoarder) it's really not clean or tidy he may think low standards are normal.

I'd consider your future together. do you have kids? do you want them? does he sound like he'll be supportive if you're struggling with a difficult newborn? no.

His mothers house is clean. I wouldn't say excessively though. His dad's house is a shit tip though apparently. Ironically he doesn't want to take me there because he says it's that filthy.

I'll repeat again. We don't have kids. I am infertile. We can't have children.

I issued this threat and followed through on it after DC2 was born. DH just never did the cleaning despite a roster etc. I got a cleaner and since then DH fully accepts how much better it is for our relationship that we have a cleaner. We haven't had one for the past year as I've been a SAHM but the first thing he said when we found out I'd be starting a new job in January was: "we need to book a cleaning lady - weekly or fortnightly?"

To be honest our flat is small enough that we and the kids could all clean it perfectly well if we all pulled equal weight. But DH doesn't prioritise it sufficiently in his mind and admits this, so agrees now we should get a cleaner. Now, obviously on principle I should argue that he SHOULD prioritise this sufficiently and pull his weight. However. I'm not going have a philosophical standoff with DH on this, because we can afford a cleaner (we're happy to give up eg eating lunches out) and I'm not going to martyr myself to clean a loo!!

If he can afford footy tickets monthly then you can definitely afford a cleaner. A clean house is more important than the footy!!

my friend recently moved in with her bf. He told her now that she was moving in he would cancel his cleaner! She put him right on that point quick sharp. Honestly, men really do have this mentality that it's women's work. I really hope I can avoid this bs with my dd. Unfortunately I'm a lost cause

Stand firm op! I'm living vicariously through anyone who manages to fight the bs. I lost but it's not too late for you! :)

Here's a good line to use on any unconvinced DHes: "I'd rather get a cleaner and spend the time we save having sex, than nag you all the time and not feel much like fucking you"

Was one of the arguments I used on DH that he really had no comeback against

Bloody hell ihatemybarnet I'm

at your friends boyfriend.

When you say properly hoover, that means he hoovers right? He dusts round things... but he dusts? Tbh, most of these sound like things I’ve just gone ‘well, I care about that more’. Apart from the litter tray. I think partner is less tolerant of stinky litter than me :)

I found it more peaceful to decide that i Just do some things in the house, and he has the other tasks. His attitude about it makes a massive difference for me. He never says I’m being unreasonable or demanding if I ask him to do something. He does whinge occasionally but sometimes we all whinge. There are some things he just does because he’s decided they are his jobs. Whilst he really, truly does not care or see kitchen floors, bathroom sinks or thick dust, he believes that he should contribute. So I don’t make comments on his slightly less thorough approach to vacuuming. Yes, I take on wifework but he is very willing to be a team.

I don’t want to tell you how you should feel or what your housework standards should be! But if he’s willing and doing things, you may find it liberating to just decide to meet him where he is. You may be able to change some things (really simple with the laundry, he wants clothes on time he does the laundry) and not others. It’s been much more harmonious in our house since we both had our realisations.

nomad I've tried the whole "I'd be up for more sex/less stressed etc" Even that isn't working.

I've told him my deepest fantasy is to wake up with him out of bed before me and the animals fed and watered without me doing it. It's still yet to happen.

'It's not just the cleaning either. We need to ring and rearrange a gas check that's due today. I told him last night and left the letter in kitchen this morning. He's pissed off to work without even mentioning it, so now I'll have to ring them on my way to work. All the sodding admin gets left to meangry'

This will be the rest of your life if you carry on doing it. It's called The Mental Load.