To not take DD on holiday

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

Strawberry, my advice at this point would be to hide this thread (as I shall now). Few posters will rtft and you will get another load of knee jerk responses that indicate the poster has no idea what they are talking about.

Good luck, remember it's a long haul. Even when you feel that you've lost a battle you can still ultimately win the war.

I think your update is a big step.

Given the concerns re ex H. Back to the drawing board. DD isn’t well enough to spend time with the abusive cunt just now, (and in the longer term will need to think through if she ever does.)

I’m going to change my advice. She needs to know you believe her. Take her away and begin at the beginning

I dont mean deliberately sabotaging in a horrible way, I mean that she is desperate to go but is scared by what going means (particularly in light of your last holiday and if you are going to Florida the amount of food that would be about) and that causes her to act out

I agree with Buttered I think maybe you should go

You are waiting for a good option for DD1 to come about.

That isn’t going to happen. There is no good option for her here. Stop trying to find something that doesn’t exist and choose the least worst option for her. It’s one week.

You CAN, however, still choose a good option for you and DD2.

Please do that.

I cant offer any advice as to if you should go one holiday.

But if you choose not to attend can you plan something slightly small for you a dd2. A weekend away for kid friendly spa weekend? With an activity she enjoys?

I think your absolutely right to be torn by this and maybe the solution for the future is to set time every week (when that is feasible) to spend soley with your DD2. That way you wont have the guilt of leaving DD1 and the worry that something drastic could happen to her weight.

I can’t see how not going is an option if you consider dd2 and how it will impact on her

But I understand your reluctance re exdp and that you need to find the right care if you don’t take dd1

The risk of going is dd1 has issues/ relapse/crisis which mean dd2 can't go out or on a ride etc. If you take someone else with you you are not pulled in two directions. The other person can stay with dd1 in hotel if needs be.
Or you hire someone there.

Forgive me for asking this but I don't really understand why, if there is no one suitable to look after DD1, you made the threat that you wouldn't take her if she didn't gain weight?

You have said you can get her respite care. Do that.

Those of us who've lived through this know that the only way to start to get better is to have valued things taken away. You can do that. I can imagine it's terrifying but you need to follow through on what you said. Otherwise you're enabling the AN.

Could you pay for private in-patient care whilst you are away? What about grandparents staying over but with some paid help coming in to support/oversee/supervise daily? I’m assuming if you’ve done Disney 8 times there might be some funds available and I do think this is one of those times you might just need to chuck some money at the problem.

I absolutely agree with the numerous other posters saying you absolutely must take dd2 but clearly need to make suitable arrangements at home for dd2. And op, suitable might not be dd1’s choice and she might kick up a stink about it but I think your priority here must be gettingdd2 on that holiday.
I feel for you as this is a really tough situation xx

To just clarify. Yes we have been away lots before, that was when I was married and money wasn't an issue. It is now and this holiday has been funded elsewhere.

When I booked my DC were seeing their dad. Things went bad there 5 weeks ago but I hoped they would improve. Also my grandparents had health issues about the same time. Leading to me thinking OMG I don't have a back up plan but at the time all was going fine. I can see now I should have panicked at that stage but I had no reason to until now.

Sorry trying to read it all and my PMs. It is a hard situation to grasp unless you are in it. But I'm somewhat heartened by the posts of those who have been through similar and came out the other side.

Could funding for dd1's care come from that same elsewhere too? Sorry if I made incorrect assumptions just trying to help find a solution.

Am I right in thinking you're due to go away next week? Have,you made a decision yet about whether dd1 will go or you will cancel if you can't make alternate arrangements. I think if it's just says away you really need to make some tough decisions and stick by them including some seriously strict ground rules for dd1 if she goes.

Days away.

And no. There is no money left for anything else. Wish there was!

I've been in the position of your DD2 so I do get it. We as a family came out the other side but what prompted that was, as others have said, wanting something more that the AN was preventing.

In my sister's case, it was wanting to do a particular sport which she wasn't allowed to do because she was too weak. My parents forbid her and so did the trainers. So she had to gain weight and gain strength. She was very good and went on to do it professionally.

You will get through this but only if you stop letting the AN dictate your lives. You have a big opportunity here to say stop, enough. Take it.

I have nothing to offer other than support. You are between a rock and hard place.

I was your younger DD. My elder sisters mental illnesses dominated my teen years, and had a huge impact on me. My mum tried a holiday with us and it was so difficult. It was actually the last time I spent any significant time with my elder sister. We were 16 and 18 by this point however. But my teens from 13+ were spent in the shadows of my elder sisters behaviours.

However, if we hadn't taken her on holiday with us? Well I know my mum wouldn't have ever relaxed. I would have still had a shitty time as she would have been dealing with my sister's behaviour via phone, hundreds of miles away.

So I have no magical answer. But please make sure your younger daughter gets some form of respite/counselling (as a young carer maybe) to help her.

I will admit, even with mental health issues of my own, that I still can't look back at any teenage parts of my life without sadness and anxiety, as it all then had an impact on my own behaviours

So I’m speaking from a perspective of (a lot) of experience with MH issues generally, and with teenagers, and some with ED. Could you speak to her like an adult- say you had planned to leave her if she lost weight, but the options (ex and your gps) are now no longer there, and you don’t feel she’d be safe if she was left. But you’re not letting her illness ruin the holiday for you and DD2, so you’re all still going to go, and you’re going to have a week ‘off’ - outline to her the lowest minimum supervision you’re prepared to give. As in, she must eat ‘something’ at every meal, but you don’t care what, or you’re going to take a load of meal replacements and she’s welcome to have those instead of food - you won’t nag her beyond the rules outlined, but essentially you and DD2 are going to eat what you like, where you like, and go on whatever rides you want to - if she’s exhausted she can sit and wait for you. Give her some spending money and explain that that’s it - if she wants special expensive items it needs to come from that money. You’ve already spent a lot on the holiday and you simply don’t have enough to buy lots of merchandise as well. And explain that consequences for losing weight will be put on hold until you get back as you and DD2 simply must have a holiday, and unfortunately she has to come too. The less of her ‘friend’ she brings with her the better time you’re all likely to have, but you and DD2 are going to have a good time regardless.

Unless ex or grandparents are an option you need to forget making other arrangements and make a decision today! In your position I would sit down with both girls and say you will all go but this holiday is about dd2 and there are some very strict non-negotiable ground rules:

You choose when & where you eat

Dd1 doesn’t get to dictate your days.
She’s had plenty of Disney trips & is now old enough to let her younger sister be in charge of decisions about rides & activities. If she doesn’t like it she stays in the room.

If she causes a scene whilst out you will go back to the room, leave her there & go out again.

If she is horrible to dd2 she stays in the room.

Hope whatever you decide works out for the best.

@AveAtqueVale good advice

Yep I’d do what Ave suggests

I agree with ave

That rather depends on whether they are staying close by. Do the parks have rest areas on site?

Yes to letting her sit out rides rather than going back to the hotel. You can do this op

Agree with ave. Despite everything I think your dd deserves this chance especially in light of yesterday's discussion.

She will ruin the holiday. Guaranteed

You can't leave a mentally ill term alone in a hotel room. ....