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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU it's not fun to keep a child up past their bedtime

283 replies

boomitscountginula · 09/11/2017 21:05

EVEN if it's only ONCE!!

MILs birthday is tomorrow, both me and Oh are at work (we both work full time). Suggestion is we go for a meal in the evening, with DS (4).

We have said no, because it would mean, by the time we get home from work, picking up DS from after school club, getting changed etc, dinner would be 7:30 or 8pm. If we all rush. (We usually get home for just after 6pm).

DS 99% of the time is asleep by 7:30.

ILS responce, well don't send him to after school club (they hate we send him, and want to look after him everyday. But for more than a few reasons we have politely declined the offer). because then he won't be tired..

No. No. No. No.

He will be tired, as will both me and DH. Neither us or any other diner wants to be around a crabby 4 year old, in a nice restaurant on a Friday night.

Yes it's just one night. BUT HE IS FUCKING 4 and this isn't a concept he will be agreeable with.

It's not just the ILs a few people have invited us to do things like this and just can't imagine why we won't come, or only one of us will attend if we can't find a baby sitter.

In the summer we will do family parties at people's houses, where DS can bunk in a bed." Etc.

Really am I being precious? Because I don't think ruining everyone's nights with a moaning, tired, unreasonable, nagging 4 year old is fun for anyone?

OP posts:
Mumsiemummy1 · 10/11/2017 11:07

@myheartbelongsto woah, just a little judgemental there!

ferrier · 10/11/2017 11:12

That depends on what sort of restaurant it is.
Fwiw I would take a 4 year old to a suitable restaurant on a Friday evening even though mine did have quite fixed routines. It is good to have a little bit of flexibility. I'f warn pils that it dc starts to play up we will have to leave.

Naughty1205 · 10/11/2017 11:15

In a stickler for bedtime and I wouldn't go to be honest. We had a similar situation recently, the knock on effect of child not sleeping as usual went on for a bloody week!

Fruitcorner123 · 10/11/2017 11:21

@myheartbelongsto
@Myheartbelongsto

I can't get over the fact that your normally home at 6 and son goes to bed at half seven.

He's 4 thats a fairly normal bedtime.

Having said that on this occasion I would not send him to after school club (as a one off) and let him stay up a little late. He may be a bit cranky tomorrow but its just one day.

Although I think given your feelings on the matter if I was the in laws I would just arrange a lunch for the saturday.

myusernameisbob · 10/11/2017 11:22

I agree the odd late night doesn't hurt and I'd do it. Life needs some flexibility. If you feel so strongly about it however, I don't think you should go though and you wouldn't BU not to. You're feeling so negative about it that you are unlikely to enjoy it or be enjoyable company and your anxiety about the situation is unlikely to help DS if overtired. Hopefully your MIL will understand and wouldn't want to cause you this level of stress.

NextInLine · 10/11/2017 11:25

You know your child and how he will respond to this sort of situation.
Some kids will be fine, others won’t. A crying, overtired child is no fun for anyone.

EivissaSenorita · 10/11/2017 12:31

Some of you will look back on your responses in a few years and want to die inside a little. Unclench.
Enjoy life.

CaeDyGeg · 10/11/2017 12:36

Unclench. Enjoy life.

I don't think I'd be enjoying life if my DD was in meltdown in a restaurant because she was overtired.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 10/11/2017 12:38

I don't think I'd be enjoying life if my DD was in meltdown in a restaurant because she was overtired

Neither would I, but if your child is "in meltdown" because its half an hour past their bedtime then frankly you have bigger problems than one meal out.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 10/11/2017 13:19

It's best to think about what you are trying to achieve, if it's a nice relaxing time which everyone enjoys, then it can't be done with overtired and overhungry DCs.

It feels like setting your DCs up to fail. If you keep them hungry and tired and then take them to a place that's not set up for children, so they have to sit still and be good, it's unlikely they will manage it at 4. It'll be stressful for all the adults involved and the DCs will end up being told off, when really it's not their fault.

If the OP's DS is naughty at the restaurant, he'll be blamed for ruining MIL birthday, when really it's all the grown up's fault for not arranging the celebration at a time he would be able to be good and enjoy spending time with his granny, or leaving him at home with a babysitter.

pictish · 10/11/2017 13:20

"@pictish why? Because a family wont prioritise a meal over their child sleep when older family members should be well aware that if they are planning an evening event the youngest members of family might not be able to come? What's to stop pil from doing something in the day time other than this is just what they fancy doing?"

Yup...that's precisely why. Because you think the world and everyone in it should revolve around the preferences of the mother child.

"Some of you will look back on your responses in a few years and want to die inside a little.
Unclench.
Enjoy life."

I quite agree.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 10/11/2017 13:23

hotbuttered - but it's not just half an hour after his bedtime, that's when the meal would start, it's more likely going to be a good couple of hours this DC would be expected to be on best behaviour (because it's a 'fancy/posh' restaurant), and not get his food for 1.5/2 hours later than he'd normally eat dinner.

Over tired and hungry and having to be better behaved than normal, but also with excitment of seeing all the family and Granny's birthday, it's a lot to expect from a 4 year old. A meltdown wouldn't be a surprise.

Mia1415 · 10/11/2017 13:25

I can't get over the fact that your normally home at 6 and son goes to bed at half seven. You must never see him!

This is fairly standard I think for working parents.

I pick my DS up at 6pm from his childminder and start the bedtime routine at 6.45pm. He is in bed and asleep by 7 -7.15pm.

Thanks for making working parents feel even more guilty about it though.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 10/11/2017 13:29

Be honest though OP, a fair bit of your issue seems to be dashing around after work, you're tired, getting ready, can't be doing the hassle, would rather just stay at home after. a long week etc. all of which I get, totally understandable.

It does sound a little like you just don't want to do it!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 10/11/2017 13:30

I do, however, think it's strangely MN that people think that children must go to all adult celebrations within the family. It's perfectly normal here to leave children at home for evening 'dos', be it family parties or meals out in fancy restaurants etc.

Hire a babysitter and have a nice evening.

Mumsiemummy1 · 10/11/2017 13:47

@pictish and exact same can be said in reverse, the world doesn't stop spinning because it's your bloody birthday.

pictish · 10/11/2017 13:55

But to have an evening meal out by way of celebration is not stopping the world spinning is it? Come on now. Don't be silly.

goose1964 · 10/11/2017 14:10

It does depend on the child. I had 3, the first would have been fighting and biting , my second would have really enjoyed it an fallen straight to sleep after being put to bed. My third would have fallen asleep as normal wherever she was

Mumsiemummy1 · 10/11/2017 14:11

@pictish it isn't silly when children are only small for a short period, there will be plenty of time to enjoy this type of celebration in the evening when the child is older. For now it is much more appropriate to be done during the day which is a very reasonable compromise.

pictish · 10/11/2017 14:22

If you say so.

Mustang27 · 10/11/2017 14:36

My wee boy is super flexible on this but sometimes he really can’t cope and that’s a nightmare. My friends wee girl is the complete opposite and yeah I’m with you even once is hard work for them.

WitchesHatRim · 10/11/2017 14:44

TBH you do sound very inflexible. I get there may be other issues but on the face of it it does sound uncompromising and draconian.

I agree.

sofato5miles · 10/11/2017 14:49

I'd say live a little and go.

FurryGiraffe · 10/11/2017 14:50

Last night my 4 year old went to bed at 6.30pm. He’s utterly exhausted by school at the moment. The last thing he would need on a Friday night is to go out to a restaurant. He might behave well (though he’d need to eat way before so he wouldn’t be sharing the meal) though he might be tired and whiny- can’t really tell. He’d be up late, still awake at 6 the following morning and he’d spend Saturday being grumpy as hell. We’d then have to make sure we didn’t go anywhere in a car on Saturday after 2pm because if he has a snooze in the car that will then push bedtime back and perpetuate the problem for another night.

Fortunately, my parents know what he’s like, and have no desire to a) take a possibly very whingy child to a restaurant or b) inflict a miserable Saturday on his parents. We’d get a takeaway or go out for lunch.

Basecamp21 · 10/11/2017 14:53

Personally I believe learning to stay awake past your normal bedtime and to be tired without becoming 'crabby are skills everyone needs to learn.

4 is plenty old enough to understand the what and why of this situation - people need to respect and trust their children more.