AIBU it's not fun to keep a child up past their bedtime

[boomitscountginula]

EVEN if it's only ONCE!!

MILs birthday is tomorrow, both me and Oh are at work (we both work full time). Suggestion is we go for a meal in the evening, with DS (4).

We have said no, because it would mean, by the time we get home from work, picking up DS from after school club, getting changed etc, dinner would be 7:30 or 8pm. If we all rush. (We usually get home for just after 6pm).

DS 99% of the time is asleep by 7:30.

ILS responce, well don't send him to after school club (they hate we send him, and want to look after him everyday. But for more than a few reasons we have politely declined the offer). because then he won't be tired..

No. No. No. No.

He will be tired, as will both me and DH. Neither us or any other diner wants to be around a crabby 4 year old, in a nice restaurant on a Friday night.

Yes it's just one night. BUT HE IS FUCKING 4 and this isn't a concept he will be agreeable with.

It's not just the ILs a few people have invited us to do things like this and just can't imagine why we won't come, or only one of us will attend if we can't find a baby sitter.

In the summer we will do family parties at people's houses, where DS can bunk in a bed." Etc.

Really am I being precious? Because I don't think ruining everyone's nights with a moaning, tired, unreasonable, nagging 4 year old is fun for anyone?

If I was in a restaurant without my children on a Friday eve with an over tired 4 year old on the next table, I would be cross! I think you're right but for different reasons! If it were out of routine but you could be sure he would be pleasant, then I would say YWBU.

You know your kid. My MIL was very keen to eat out on holiday at what I knew would be much too late for DS (then 5). It was a disaster. Every Single Time. Wish I had stuck to my guns and given him tea and bed when he needed it, not when suited the grown ups. It just makes everyone miserable

YANBU, OP. You know your own daughter. Mine is 3 in January and no way in the world I'd be taking her out in the evening - she'd be miserable and grouchy because she'd get tired. If she's not in bed by 8pm (and that's after bath), we'd pay for it - both that night and the following day.

This depends on the child... When ds was little he was very good on the rare occasion he was allowed to stay up. At my dad’s 60th around 30 of us, including 2 1/2 year old ds, went to a beautiful restaurant & he was a little star and lasted until midnight. So glad we took him - my mum died six months later so it was one of the last big family occasions that we had together.
However, my 3 year old dd would be a living nightmare to take out. She literally becomes possessed and will roll on the floor of restaurants when she’s tired - it’s incredibly stressful and embarrassing, and my explanations of her being tired sound weak even to my ears 🙈
So, go with your gut feeling. Your IL’s have to respect your decision, and you have offered a lovely compromise. It’s always great to be able to drag birthdays out a little longer anyway, so a lunch out sounds perfect to me 😉

YABU. We don't have babysitters within an hours drive so the kids have always had to come to social events with us. We always say we'll "play it by ear" never being sure if we'll be leaving at 8pm or midnight.

At 4 years old they'd easily stay up beyond 10pm, on several occasions it's been midnight. The kids will have quiet times and either fall asleep in a corner, or get a second wind and carry on.
At one my DD who was 6 fell asleep in the corner of the room, surrounded by people all playing instruments and singing she was curled up under blankets and coats. DS who was 2 was having great fun dancing to everything. At 1am tiredness hit and he suddenly started crying saying "home" so we made a swift exit. The kids love these nights out and talk about them for years.
The next day they're tired (as are we) so we plan a quiet day at home.

They've been going to music festivals from a few months old where they have to stay up late or sleep through the acts, they've done both. Usually an interesting environment and promise of ice cream for afterwards keeps kids happy through a restaurant meal.

I suspect you don't really want to go.

Awkward Annie I'd take a wild guesd that yours have seen Kate Rusby at music festivals. Ours have, also from an early age

Akwardannie - there are no babysitters in your town?!

I don't understand why people keep saying "but what do you do on holiday?!" As if you are stuck with breakfast and lunch at normal times like work/school routines! We keep to U.K. Time, even if we are an hour or 2 later, so 7pm local time is 5pm uk. Much easier as the whole day is one or 2 hours later. Also the desire to eat dinner with out your dcs is why hotels offering evening childcare is so common!

If I want dcs to eat dinner later, I'll push out breakfast and lunch first, so they are more able to wait for a later dinner, but with the school day first, the op can't do that. A late night on a saturday night is always easier than a Friday night.

My 4yo would cope if he’d been at home all day, but after a day at nursery he’d just loose it, flop all over the shop from 7-ish and it would be unpleasant for all concerned. He’s been out late but he doesn’t have the energy on a Friday night and not do I to deal with him! so no, YANBU

You are being precious but he is your child. I think one night out there will be ok & it pleases mil, then that is very kind of you.

One of my favourite early memories is going out to eat late at a restaurant and having to stand on my chair to eat my ice cream at gone midnight. Give them an afternoon nap and they'll be awake for hours! If you're worried, take pjs and a travel pillow.

Polly - the op couldn't give her DS an afternoon nap, he's in reception at school, pick up from after school club around 6, then to the restaurant for around 730, there was no time to let him nap or eat later at lunchtime so he was hungry for dinner later.

It's really hard with reception children, always seemed the worse for tiredness, preschool was less exhausting and by year 1 they are in the swing of it a bit more.

Slightly jealous of child who sleeps both mine are night owls. However dn is not and she is hell on wheels if she doesn't get to bed

My child is one of those that no matter how late he stays up, he will be awake between 6-7pm sic
Assuming you meant am, then I couldn't get past this, tbh. OP, surely you realise that a child waking between 6 and 7am would represent a lie-in for loads of parents. If it makes no difference to waking time then why wouldn't you take him?
It's a Friday night, he's not a baby/toddler, he sleeps until a very reasonable time in the morning. Meh, it's a non problem imo.

Try it. If it works, great! If not, leave with the satisfaction of being right....although, a happy dance bc you are correct in this situation is not really happy. BUT! They ain't gonna ask again

Yes I agree you are being too precious.

Op, AIBU wasn’t really the best place to post this dilemma. Snide digs at your parenting isn’t really much use.

Reception children do get very tired. I remember ds's first term and he had so many tired meltdowns but was a lot worse on long days in after school care. Come Friday night though, he'd always ask if we were going out and seemed to forget his tiredness! You could limit the tiredness by allowing your pil to have him until you finish work, just on this one occasion. There's no school the following day so even if he is tired you don't have to plan to do anything the following day and just have a tv day or something. Would it be possible to leave work a little early and ask mil to bring forward the time of the meal a little? I sympathise op, but it is just one occasion. If it does go wrong at least you'll have a reference point in future for saying 'no'! Often people won't believe it until they see it. And there's always the possibility that your child will pleasantly surprise you, particularly if others are around to help you 'entertain'.

You know your DS best. If he has never been allowed to stay up late how do you know he wouldn't cope. If he is nearer the end of 4 years he may manage but could well be bored just sitting around with adults. However you have offered a compromise e.g. lunch Saturday which given your concerns seems reasonable.

Soooooooo

What did you do op

Hate when no updates

I think if you have nothing to get up for the next day the odd late night doesn’t hurt. I found once my lo got past 18mo his resilience to being pushed a bit re bedtime increased. So long as he’s happy then I do bend the rules sometimes. Last week it was to see the fireworks - he went to bed about 1.5 hours later than usual. He was happy as Larry and he slept in to compensate so was fine the next day. However I do know people whose children are early risers regardless of the time they go to bed the might before and in those cases a late night just means a tired and grumpy child the next day so in that case I’d say it’s not worth it.

We are a very flexible family. Currently backpacking around the world with two very young kids. But would I hell take my almost four year old to a restaurant meal past her bedtime for fun.

All the 'live a little' people - it's really not 'living' dealing with meltdowns etc all night and next day. You're all picturing a nice evening vs an evening in bed. Everybody would pick the nice evening. But this is not the reality for some kids. It's more like: horrid stressful evening vs an evening in bed.

And the flexibility brigade. Why do people expect four year olds to be so damn flexible when they couldn't compromise on a birthday lunch themselves?

He'll be fine for one eve! Go enjoy yourselves, he might even give you a lay in in the morn

I am so with you. Ended up having to take my then 18 month old to an extended family meal that started at 7.30pm in the summer. People were acting like we were being overprotective parents when we suggested this wouldn't work for us. It's wasn't that, we know our daughter and know how grumpy she is when tired (noone wants to have a meal with a screaming crying toddler). Stick to your guns you know what is right for your child.

You’re the parent and you know best ... However, I personally I would, but then I have 4 children so it’s a bit, anything goes at times. But mine even when they are young have had late nights.

I’d let FIL collect him from school, then he can deal with a hungry overtired tantrumming child between 4:00-7:30! You arrive at 7:30, neck a quick glass of wine and take DS home - I imagine PIL will have come around to your point of view by that stage.

DS can cope with slightly later bedtimes, but he can’t miss naps. DM used to think I was exaggerating (because apparently I never napped ever at any stage of babyhood), until she babysat and saw for herself that he’s a hell-child by 4pm if he hasn’t slept.