AIBU it's not fun to keep a child up past their bedtime

[boomitscountginula]

EVEN if it's only ONCE!!

MILs birthday is tomorrow, both me and Oh are at work (we both work full time). Suggestion is we go for a meal in the evening, with DS (4).

We have said no, because it would mean, by the time we get home from work, picking up DS from after school club, getting changed etc, dinner would be 7:30 or 8pm. If we all rush. (We usually get home for just after 6pm).

DS 99% of the time is asleep by 7:30.

ILS responce, well don't send him to after school club (they hate we send him, and want to look after him everyday. But for more than a few reasons we have politely declined the offer). because then he won't be tired..

No. No. No. No.

He will be tired, as will both me and DH. Neither us or any other diner wants to be around a crabby 4 year old, in a nice restaurant on a Friday night.

Yes it's just one night. BUT HE IS FUCKING 4 and this isn't a concept he will be agreeable with.

It's not just the ILs a few people have invited us to do things like this and just can't imagine why we won't come, or only one of us will attend if we can't find a baby sitter.

In the summer we will do family parties at people's houses, where DS can bunk in a bed." Etc.

Really am I being precious? Because I don't think ruining everyone's nights with a moaning, tired, unreasonable, nagging 4 year old is fun for anyone?

I say stick to your guns and don’t go. I don’t think a restaurant is any place to be for a young child on a Friday evening (or any evening for that matter really). You would be selfishly prioritising your and your IL’s enjoyment over that of your child and the other diners.

Do something during the day that is also child friendly - autumnal walk around a park followed by lunch at a Pizza Express or something.

(And before people have a pop; I do have children and wouldn’t put them (or the other diners) through a late and long celebration dinner.

You know your own child - I have one that copes fine with late nights once in a while and one that doesn’t. It’s no fun for anyone having to cope with an overtired child at a meal. Neither of mine would have coped with eating late at that age.

Why not let them pick him up and get him changed. You pick them all up at 6 and go for early dinner and drop your husbands parents back after and be home easily by 8pm?

OP, you know your own child best and you should feel free to do what you think is right for them.

Not sure why anyone would want an over-tired 4 year old to go to a fancy restaurant in the evening anyway. But if you don’t think it’s right for them and will make it a difficult evening, say no. Your compromises are absolutely reasonable.

You can’t win on here sometimes. If your MIL were posting her side of the story she’d be told off for making a fuss over her birthday most likely!

I have 3 kids, all of whom were fun when they stayed up late, which they did quite often.

In my opinion, flexibility or lack of it comes from the parents' attitude.

My 4 year old could probably cope with staying up late, but she couldn't cope with not eating dinner until 7:30pm. Reception kids usually go into lunch first at schools, so eat lunch around 11:50am. Not eating until 7:30pm is far too late.

Realistically, he'll be too hungry so will need to eat something at 6ish. Which means he won't be hungry at 7:30pm, so what do they expect him to do at the table when you are all eating a meal?

If it was a party so he could play, that would be different, but if you want a child who normal eats dinner at 5:30/6 to last until 7:30pm, you need to start managing that from breakfast time onwards, trying to push all other meals out. Being at school all day means the op can't control when he eats breakfast and lunch.

He isnt going to be hungry at 7:30, so what do they expect him to be doing while they eat? Or they won't give him food and he'll be a horror from around 6:30, so how do they plan to manage that?

YANBU you know your own child and how he'd react. Some of my friend's children would be absolutely fine as they just go a bit sleepy and grouchy when tired and would sit there colouring. My 5 year old however goes crazy and manic when tired, bounces off the walls and looses all sense of reason, I think we would get banned from the restaurant if I tried to take her to one that late.

I wouldn't have taken mine at that age. They would have behaved badly at the meal and would have been horrible the next day too, due to being too tired.
Get a babysitter or if you can't get a babysitter just have your DH go (as it is his mum's meal).

I'd be fine with it.

Everyone is different re personalities. Some people are ok tired and some are grumps!

But if your 4yo hasn't ever attended later meals etc I wonder if you know what he'll be like or are assuming?

I’d take mine. I’d take my three year old too.

I think your biggest mistake here is mentioning it had something to do with you mil. People tend to jump down the throat of anyone who posts about mil imo. Had this been a friend or a sister's birthday I think the responses would have been much more on your side.

I'd give it a try if I was you, he might surprise you.

Life's too short to be rigid. I took my twins everywhere when they were little, lovely memories of them asleep on friends sofas on NY eve etc.

If MIL wants to include your child she could organise a dinner earlier in the day?

This is a good point. And the next day is Saturday. It's nobody's idea of fun to go out to eat at 6.30, I know, but if you want small children to join you then you have to put up with it. Why didn't she arrange it earlier for the following early evening if you think your son won't cope?

I kept my 3 yo til 9 to see fireworks - I don’t make a regular habit of it - the way you put it ‘subjected to regular adult events’ does sound precious - that’s family life surely?

Also don’t get why you prefer after school club stranger care to your IL when you both work ft - maybe they’re deranged?

You really don't want to go do you? It's your MIL birthday and she would like dinner on her birthday. There are so many ways you could make this work nicely. I'd go with skipping after school club, not bothering to go home first and get changed and get to the restaurant as early as possible. I don't know what time you finish work but I bet you could get there closer to 6? Then it wouldn't be as late.

I too had children who always got up early whatever time they went to bed. But it's one night bd they catch up.

Of course all that would depend on you wanting to do it.

These people with kids who have to be in bed at a set time - what happens when you go on holiday?

And I do get the sleep thing, mine needed a lot of sleep, particularly one of them and still does, but we still went out at night. You can't stay in every night for 8+ years 😳

I'd say try it and take him home if he is tired/nazzy. Next time suggest Saturday night and table is booked for 6pm, or go for Sunday lunch instead - that's what we used to do when DDs were small.

It's entirely up to you, but we'd take our kids out to this kind of thing, we'd make sure there was a steady supply of chips/bread, and that ipads were ready, and would assume that they'd crawl up onto a lap at some point and fall asleep.

But it meant that we could get out occasionally, and the kids did enjoy a bit of spoiling by the other adults too, and learned how to behave in restaurants.

If you don't want to though, then don't. It's entirely up to you what you do here.

I have known parents like you OP and in the end they just stopped being invited anywhere. I'm sure you'd be happy with that but it's a shame your son will miss out on a lot of things, not to mention time with his grandparents who won't be around forever. Loosen up.

Look I have a 3 year old who pretty much always gets into bed by 6.30 but every now and again for special nights (bonfire night last weekend for example) he can keep going and have fun because of the novelty of it all. Once in a while when you can have a quiet lazy day the next day is fine. Believe me I am very big on an early regular bed but if we go away or have a relative stay etc I find an extra couple of hours don't make much difference.

I kept my 3 yo til 9 to see fireworks

Fireworks are FUN for children. Sitting at a restaurant isn't.

My child is younger (2) and horrible when overtired so I choose carefully. She stayed up late on holiday, to trick or treat for Halloween, etc. I would never keep her up late to eat dinner in a restaurant unless it was a child-oriented one.

My cousin's child is the same age and is very happy to fall asleep on her parents' laps if taken out past bedtime. So if I had a child like that I'd be more flexible too!

Our kids have gone to restaurants all their lives. We always used to take a bag of books, colouring, cards etc. Now we take things like a pack of family discussion cards. It depends on whether you want to prioritise routine over all else or whether you want your kids to join in the mire interesting sporadic events of life. We decided from the start we wanted to carry on doing interesting things and for our children to learn to join in.

Also I take DS to lunches in pubs and restaurants with family and friends pretty much every weekend, he is used to restaurants and has fun talking to people. I've never thought of it as being "subjected to adult events"! It's a meal with his family who he presumably loves, and he's 4 not 1 so he can talk to people etc. Children don't need to be kept in a separate world until they emerge at age 9 or something. Take some colouring stuff, a tablet etc to entertain. I just don't think it's a big deal at all for a one off birthday meal.

This is always seems to be a divisive issue on mumsnet.
I think (and mine do) would find at age 4 that staying up a bit late to go out for dinner is fun and exciting. They're 4 not 2, so toddler-style over tired tantrums not that likely.
He doesn't have school tomorrow so I'm with your In laws on this one, but he's your child so whatever you want.