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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU it's not fun to keep a child up past their bedtime

283 replies

boomitscountginula · 09/11/2017 21:05

EVEN if it's only ONCE!!

MILs birthday is tomorrow, both me and Oh are at work (we both work full time). Suggestion is we go for a meal in the evening, with DS (4).

We have said no, because it would mean, by the time we get home from work, picking up DS from after school club, getting changed etc, dinner would be 7:30 or 8pm. If we all rush. (We usually get home for just after 6pm).

DS 99% of the time is asleep by 7:30.

ILS responce, well don't send him to after school club (they hate we send him, and want to look after him everyday. But for more than a few reasons we have politely declined the offer). because then he won't be tired..

No. No. No. No.

He will be tired, as will both me and DH. Neither us or any other diner wants to be around a crabby 4 year old, in a nice restaurant on a Friday night.

Yes it's just one night. BUT HE IS FUCKING 4 and this isn't a concept he will be agreeable with.

It's not just the ILs a few people have invited us to do things like this and just can't imagine why we won't come, or only one of us will attend if we can't find a baby sitter.

In the summer we will do family parties at people's houses, where DS can bunk in a bed." Etc.

Really am I being precious? Because I don't think ruining everyone's nights with a moaning, tired, unreasonable, nagging 4 year old is fun for anyone?

OP posts:
Gretia · 09/11/2017 21:21

On a friday night, I would go-he will be fine!

Cockmagic · 09/11/2017 21:21

Loosen up op. Your DS must be thrilled with bed at 7.30 every night, after school club and missing a birthday party 😯😕

Do you not enjoy spending time with him?

Lesley1980 · 09/11/2017 21:22

One late night won't kill him.

Cannotwillnot · 09/11/2017 21:23

I'd allow my 4 year old to stay up late on a Friday night for my MIL's birthday. Can they compromise and make the sitting 6pm, would it be possible if they collect him from after school club for you?

TBH it sounds like you are not keen to go and this is an excuse.

APipkinOfPepper · 09/11/2017 21:23

I think it depends on the child. DS would not have coped at that age - he’d have been an overtired hungry nightmare, then up at 6am on the dot the next morning and grumpy with it. DD on the other hand would probably have coped. You know your child and whether they can manage this or not.

Firenight · 09/11/2017 21:24

It does depend on the child. My eldest (8) is a total night owl anyway and really flexible and easy to involve in adult stuff; always has been. The youngest (3) cannot cope past 7.30, certainly wouldn’t eat late and would either be crabby or asleep on my lap.

Original poster
boomitscountginula · 09/11/2017 21:26

He is usually very well behaved in fancy restaurants. He is an only child/grandchild, he has no first cousins, and his second cousins are in their 30s! So is subjected to a lot of adult theamed events.

We will happily oblige if they are during the day.

But I don't think there is a need for a 4 year old to be in a fancy restaurant on a Friday night, causing a fuss. I

OP posts:
Ethylred · 09/11/2017 21:27

Life, including child-rearing, is much more fun if you're as flexible as possible rather than as rigid as possible. OP, you're being a bit rigid.

BelafonteRavenclaw · 09/11/2017 21:28

Both DS’ are creatures of habit and are normally asleep by 7.30. Recently my DDad and DBro visited (they live 3 hrs away) and we all went out for dinner at 7pm. Just to a local family pub. The kids had a tablet to watch cartoons on and they were both going strong at 8.45 when we left. By 8pm they’d zoned out a bit but caused no issues, surprisingly, as DS2 (2.4) is a screamer and general grumpy monster.

ludothedog · 09/11/2017 21:28

I think that by the age of 4 he should be able to cope with a later night. I still remember the excitement of being allowed to stay up a bit later for a family party.

What's the big deal with MIL picking up your DS from school on this occasion and meeting you there? Makes sense to me?

Mac12345 · 09/11/2017 21:28

I'm with you, OP. My boy would get cranky and hyperactive if he stayed up really late and would still get up between 5 and 6! No Friday night diner would appreciate that at the table next to them. I wouldn't go either if I had to bring them with me. There will be other birthdays.

BearFoxBear · 09/11/2017 21:30

YABU but you know your own child. My 3 year old stays up late a couple of times a month without a problem. Sounds like you're using your child as an excuse to me.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/11/2017 21:30

Hmm, I think only you know your child. My dd are 3 and 5 and can stay up til 9 no problems, but if you really don't want to risk it, just insist on another plan.

ludothedog · 09/11/2017 21:30

He's not a baby or a toddler, he's a little boy OP. Time to let him grow up a little bit and that includes letting him stay up a bit later on special occasions.

catboygeckoandowlett · 09/11/2017 21:34

OP I sympathise!!

While DS2 would be pretty much fine! Even though he's only 3.5, My DS1 at this age would have been a nightmare staying up late in a restaurant on some nights! He is lovely and even though just a couple of years older now, would be fine now! But at 4 I couldn't have taken him that late to a restaurant. It would have been v high stress for everyone and he'd have been a grumpy, tantrumy mess of tiredness (he takes off at 300 miles an hour in the morning and doesn't stop until he collapses in a tantrum mess, unless given careful help to relax in the evening and go to bed early!)

You know your children! So up to you! Really depends on the child I'd say :)

Original poster
boomitscountginula · 09/11/2017 21:34

@cookmagic

Actually during the week we don't spend hardly any time together. I work 37-60 hours a week. Not including travel time.

37 in the office and the rest when he goes to bed.

I drop him off at school at 7:45 and pick him up between 17:30 and 18:00.

All our time we do get is precious, and I fucking love every second of it.

Your comment is awfully condescending.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 09/11/2017 21:35

He goes to them the instead of afterschool club. Pick him up, drop to yours, he stays with a child minder and you two go to the restaurant.
They’ve seen him on their birthday. And adults have fun at restaurant.

GwenStaceyRocks · 09/11/2017 21:36

The obvious answer seems to be let the GPs collect him from school, no after school club. You and DH go straight to the restaurant for 6pm. Then you all eat together and your DC goes to bed much closer to his usual time.
You're being difficult. I also find it quite rude that you are being so inflexible over this arrangement whilst trying to get your MIL to host you on a different day at a different time to suit you.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 09/11/2017 21:37

I agree with op - who wants a grumpy tired child in a nice restaurant - you would not be popular with other diners.

We took our dcs to friends houses in the evening where they could crash out but never took them out to theatre/restaurants/parties etc beyond their bedtimes until they were about 5/6 years old.

I think your compromise of Saturday lunch is great!

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/11/2017 21:38

Yanbu. I get this. Ds1 is 2. He gets up early. He doesn't lay in after a late night. He rarely naps. It's me that looks after him and deals with his over tiredness. No one else. So I usually say no. If we are already out and stay out later it's easier but going out at that time, for a meal, he'd have to eat earlier so a meal wouldn't work . It'd be a no from me!

GherkinSnatch · 09/11/2017 21:38

YABU, the odd later night isn't going to hurt him. He'll enjoy himself at his granny's birthday, and he's at the age now where he'll remember The Night I Got To Stay Up Past Bedtime.

pictish · 09/11/2017 21:38

I would have done it when mine were four.

Mamabear4180 · 09/11/2017 21:39

yanbu and you're the one who will be dealing with a cranky tired 4 year old so it's up to you!

I'm rigid and boring too. It get's easier when they're over 6 but 4 is still a big toddler tbh so they're not very flexible.

olympicsrock · 09/11/2017 21:40

No it’s too late. It would spoil the evening for you as well as it would be stressful to have a tired grumpy child in an adult restaurant. I wouldn’t take my 5 year old either.

babybythesea · 09/11/2017 21:40

It totally depends on the child.
My eldest (age8) is a night owl. Would be fine out, would sleep in and make up for it next day. She's always been like it. I have never given a moments thought to taking her out late.
Youngest (age 4) could be out late and not grizzle but will wake up at same time next day and then spend a day being foul. So it's not something I do often because I hate spending the next day with a miserable, overtired child.
My sister has a child who gets tired by 7ish and is a total misery. She cries and frets and is not pleasant company on an evening out, no way could you do an evening meal out with her. She's 3. It's not that they've never tried taking her out in the evening, it's more that they tried and it was so stressful that they don't bother now.

The person who knows best how your DS will be is you. People who say 'Well, we always took ours out so you have to do it and then they get used to it" also have to bear in mind that their child can clearly tolerate it. Maybe if their child was an obnoxious weeping mess the first few times they'd not have done it again! The child copes, so you continue to do it, so they get used to it. Virtuous circle! If the child is hideous, you don't go back for more to get them used to it. You accept that this is something that you can't do for a bit.

I'd personally say that if he was like my DD2, and fine on the evening out but miserable th next day, I'd probably go. If he was like my niece and just hellish to be around when he's tired, I wouldn't bother. It wouldn't be pleasant for anyone to try and have dinner with a screaming child who is so tired they are well beyond listening or eating or anything else.