AIBU it's not fun to keep a child up past their bedtime

[boomitscountginula]

EVEN if it's only ONCE!!

MILs birthday is tomorrow, both me and Oh are at work (we both work full time). Suggestion is we go for a meal in the evening, with DS (4).

We have said no, because it would mean, by the time we get home from work, picking up DS from after school club, getting changed etc, dinner would be 7:30 or 8pm. If we all rush. (We usually get home for just after 6pm).

DS 99% of the time is asleep by 7:30.

ILS responce, well don't send him to after school club (they hate we send him, and want to look after him everyday. But for more than a few reasons we have politely declined the offer). because then he won't be tired..

No. No. No. No.

He will be tired, as will both me and DH. Neither us or any other diner wants to be around a crabby 4 year old, in a nice restaurant on a Friday night.

Yes it's just one night. BUT HE IS FUCKING 4 and this isn't a concept he will be agreeable with.

It's not just the ILs a few people have invited us to do things like this and just can't imagine why we won't come, or only one of us will attend if we can't find a baby sitter.

In the summer we will do family parties at people's houses, where DS can bunk in a bed." Etc.

Really am I being precious? Because I don't think ruining everyone's nights with a moaning, tired, unreasonable, nagging 4 year old is fun for anyone?

Well it's your child, so your choice. But you posted in AIBU, so in my opinion YABU - sorry.

I think you are making parenthood harder (and more restrictive) than it needs to be by not teaching your child to be more adaptable. You say he can't cope with late nights - maybe that's because he never has any. He always wakes up early - maybe that's because you have such a rigid routine. Would it be so terrible if he was grumpy the following day, but you'd all got to have an evening out together the night before? What's the worst that could happen? I think having experiences of meals out with family, going to family do's (that generally go on past normal bedtimes), holidays, etc, are an important and fun part of childhood. Do you stick to the set bedtimes on Christmas Day and birthdays too?

As I say, your child, your choice, but my 3 DC have grown up mucking in and joining in with whatever's going on - be that meals out, weddings, parties, whatever. So that would mean late nights on a fairly regular basis (excluding school nights obviously). And I can't be sure if it's nature or nurture, but all three DC have coped just fine. And the bonus is that If we have a late night, we generally get a lie in the next morning.

I have had the odd friend who has been more 'rigid' about bedtimes, and tbh I just don't see the benefit - the parents end up missing out on nights out, and the DC miss out too - but hey, they get to bed on time (and wake up at the crack of dawn)...

I wouldn't have thought having a late evening meal in a restaurant and being expected to sit there would be much fun for a 4 year old, especially a tired cranky one. Never mind the rest of the customers! My kids wake up at 6.30-7 no matter when they go to bed. People keep giving me advice about their bedtimes as if they know them better than me or as if I've never put them to bed later only for them to wake up after losing 3 hours sleep and being overemotional and strappy all day. They are larks like me. They are desperate to stay up late but then can't bloody stay asleep!

True you won't have to get up for the school run but a reception age child on that kind of schedule is absolutely knackered by the end of the week and you really need the weekend to catch-up before you hit Monday again.

I am in a similar situation and my son gets really emotional when he's tired. I've had to become a lot stricter about weekend sleep as a result - otherwise I can feel the after effects for days in terms of his behaviour and mood.

Sadly IME people who haven't experienced this think you're being totally OTT and really don't get it. I thought the same before I had my son to be fair but whenever I have thought 'oh it'll be ok just this once' I've ended up regretting it so I say don't do it.

If I were you I'd either get a babysitter and go to the Friday meal without DS or see them for lunch on Saturday when everyone's feeling more well rested.

It sounds as though you work extremely long hours OP. You've said that you don't see him very much and that the time you do spend together is precious. Is the rigidity in your routine and the requirement to not have to deal with a tired 4 year old the next day, as much for your benefit as his?

YY to the person who said part of being resilient is being able to adapt. I can see the attraction in maintaining a routine that allows you to spend the maximum time with your son when he is not tired of grumpy. Lovely to be able to maintain the calm status quo. However, encouraging him to learn to be adaptable and manage different routines that will test his resilience will be hugely beneficial to him. Tough on you, but beneficial for him.

Have you asked your DS?

I think you are being sliiiightly precious but not too much 4 year olds can be grumpy.
in most other european countries though its perfectly normal for kids to go out for late dinners though, a little flexibility can't hurt and might be good to get him used to it.

My 4yr old ds can't cope with a later bedtime than he's used to. So call me inflexible, I don't care, we wouldn't be going.

YANBU. I don't think it would be the staying up late that would be bothering me tbh, its more the fact that they want to eat sooooo late! My 4 year old goes into meltdown if he is hungry - at the latest we eat at 18.45 (we both work too and get home around 18.00). No way would we be agreeing to go to restaurant at 8pm. If we are going out for family meals we usually go for 18.00. And I agree wholeheartedly that it is no fun with a cranky 4 year old in a restaurant

I feel your pain OP.
It's tough having a tired kid the day after. DS wouldn't really enjoy a fancy restaurant, casual ones are still a trial!

DS (almost 4) occasionally goes to BILS for the weekend and doesn't go to bed till 9. Apparently he's fine. He sleeps later and is always knackered when he gets home so is straight to sleep at his usual time of 7.30pm.

I have. 3 kids, no.1 and 3 would have copes no problem. No.2 would be a crying spotty mess by 7.15 (absolutely knackered by reception, usually in bed by 6.45pm at her choice). Friday night would have been the worst as a whole week of tiredness had mounted up.

However, none of mine would cope (and still wouldn't at 9, 7, 5) with not eating until 7.30. I'd have either had to feed them earlier in which case they'd be bored at the restaurant with nothing to do, or fed them smacks to try and eke them out, by which point we'd order them a meal and they'd eat 2 spoonfuls and declare they were full.

Sounds like the OP knows her child. OP, you've said no nicely and offered an alternative that would work better. Presumably you're also not averse to your DH going on his own.

If it was a big birthday I'd suck it up, but not for a normal one. I don't think yabu at all

YANBU because it’s a fancy restaurant.

But what a miserable existence where you won’t let you child stay up past 730 for a special occasion because they get crabby the next day. Children love parties. Yes they get tired and sometimes upset when very tired, so then you leave. And then have a chilled day after, relaxing, watch a film on the tv and have a snooze altogether.

Those of you saying your child ‘doesn’t cope’ with it, it sounds more like you don’t cope!

(If the plan is to eat late, then feed them beforehand and let them have pudding at the restaurant. Tends to work well)

YABU and precious. Live a little. It’s good for kids to be flexible, it will make your life A LOT easier as he gets older. And it’s the poor woman’s birthday, and it sounds like she’s good to you helping out with childcare. Lighten up and enjoy yourself.

Sorry haven't RTFT. I think there is a huge gulf in understanding between parents whose children can easily cope with overtiredness and parents whose children can't.

I've had one child of each type - the more difficult child first, luckily! It was only when my "easy" second child came along that I saw why people might think I could chill with my first child.

My second child could behave reasonably well even if tired, crash out easily in any soft corner, sleep late the following morning if kept up late the night before, and tolerate one night's sleep deprivation with no serious consequences.

None of this was true of my first child. Our world did revolve around her sleep needs, because if it didn't, there would be hell to pay. Messing with her sleep would have been unfair to us, to her, and to anyone who came in contact with her. It's a pretty serious level of suffering. I wish the people telling you to lighten up could spend a week with such a child.

With my LG (similar age) we wpuld we just adjust the day a bit, have a nice restful time in the early evening, or use a babysitter? Otherwise how do they enjoy things like fireworks. I do think its a bit precious tbh to not go at all. You coupd have one pf you on standby ro be the early leaver if hes not coping.

No! Nothing worse than a grumpy child who’s been kept up past his bedtime the night before.
Your MIL is being very selfish. She can see your DS another time. Get a babysitter and leave your DS at home. Evening meals at restaurants are for adults!

I have to say I think YABU and are using it more as an excuse.

YANBU

Your kid your rulz hun......

Joking apart, you know your child and whether it would be a goer or not. With my lot #'s 1, 3,4 &5 would all have been fine no matter how late it was. They would sleep in and have an early night the next day, job donw. However #'s 2 & 6 wouldnt. DC2 is 20 and she still doesnt do late nights well despite being at Uni, she gets crabby and grumpy after about 10pm and the same the next day. DC6 is 6 and exactly the same! We have done family parties before where DC 2 babysits DC6 and the rest of us go!

Yes yes he might surprise you, but he probably wont. Stay at home.

I think there is a huge gulf in understanding between parents whose children can easily cope with overtiredness and parents whose children can't

Couldnt agree more.

Easy to say someone is being precious, or using it as an excuse or too uptight when you have never had to deal wih a kid who is still being a little bollocks 3 days after a late night.

Would you keep a child thirsty for hours after it needed a drink? Sleep is just as important, yet seems to be seen as an option if there is a reason to skip it that suits (some) parents.

You're just being precious and I get from all the suggestions you've had from PP and you shutting them down that you don't want to go any way

A dinner out at a nice restaurant is what your MIL wants. It's not what the typical 4 year old wants to be doing on the special night he gets to stay up. If it was something fun that the child would enjoy I'd say go for it, but honestly sitting in a restaurant is not that exciting for that age group.

Additionally if your 4 year old is normally asleep at 7:30 then he probably eats at 6/6:30? So either he'll need to eat before you leave or he'll be starving by the time you are sitting down for the meal. Neither is a great option.

You're not being unreasonable. You should have a nice lunch or a dinner at home if it has to be in the evening.

YABU If MIL wants to include your child she could organise a dinner earlier in the day? I agree not all children cope with late nights. If mine had stayed up late at that age, our whole weekend would have turned into a nightmare for everyone.

Sorry YANBU

YANBU I had exactly the same issue...my son would've had a meltdown at 4, and even now (13) he likes to be home at a certain time,he is a housecat lol. My daughter on the other hand would love to stay up, and would spend the night being cute and universally adored :) we know our kids, so stick to your guns x

My dd would have been ok at 4. My friend's ds would have gone into full meltdown, probably in the restaurant. You know your own child and if he genuinely won’t cope, don’t listen to outside pressure.

Honestly I'd say go,we have 5DC and if we'd said no to everything we'd been invited to because we had to religiously stick to a certain bed time for one of our DC we'd never have gone to anything over the years.

I think a missed day or night of routine every now and again is fine and two our of DC are autistic so that can make things a bit harder.