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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU it's not fun to keep a child up past their bedtime

283 replies

boomitscountginula · 09/11/2017 21:05

EVEN if it's only ONCE!!

MILs birthday is tomorrow, both me and Oh are at work (we both work full time). Suggestion is we go for a meal in the evening, with DS (4).

We have said no, because it would mean, by the time we get home from work, picking up DS from after school club, getting changed etc, dinner would be 7:30 or 8pm. If we all rush. (We usually get home for just after 6pm).

DS 99% of the time is asleep by 7:30.

ILS responce, well don't send him to after school club (they hate we send him, and want to look after him everyday. But for more than a few reasons we have politely declined the offer). because then he won't be tired..

No. No. No. No.

He will be tired, as will both me and DH. Neither us or any other diner wants to be around a crabby 4 year old, in a nice restaurant on a Friday night.

Yes it's just one night. BUT HE IS FUCKING 4 and this isn't a concept he will be agreeable with.

It's not just the ILs a few people have invited us to do things like this and just can't imagine why we won't come, or only one of us will attend if we can't find a baby sitter.

In the summer we will do family parties at people's houses, where DS can bunk in a bed." Etc.

Really am I being precious? Because I don't think ruining everyone's nights with a moaning, tired, unreasonable, nagging 4 year old is fun for anyone?

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 10/11/2017 05:56

I think you're using it as an excuse too. You DS would probably find it very exciting to go out for his grandma's birthday, and get to see his other relatives.

sanesera · 10/11/2017 06:21

But why ask the question if what others respond with means “they don’t understand”. Just do what you want Confused

pictish · 10/11/2017 06:22

Holidays I agree....we have three kids and like you, if we'd decided that they couldn't possibly stay up past their bedtime for any reason, we wouldn't have gone anywhere for years...and bollocks to that. I couldn't have lived my life stringently adhering to kiddy bedtimes. Unless of course, I was looking for an excuse to get out of something I didn't want to attend....

londonrach · 10/11/2017 06:24

Go. Its friday, its a birthday. Yabu

UserX · 10/11/2017 06:27

lots of real nastiness on this thread. Have to think either posters don’t yet have 4 year olds in reception or have forgotten what it is like. Neither of mine could possibly have coped with this on a Friday in November.

You’re not inflexible OP, but your in laws sound pretty full of themselves. What kind of a dick would insist a child be dragged out to a completely inappropriate event? Bet they’re the type to tut and blame you if he makes so much as a peep as well.

pictish · 10/11/2017 06:32

Wow - that's a big assumption there. Another thing I don't remember doing is expecting friends and family to make arrangements that prioritised my kids' bedtimes over their own preferences...because that would have made me full of myself and a dick. But whatever.

pictish · 10/11/2017 06:34

P.s What's 'November' got to do with it?

abbsisspartacus · 10/11/2017 06:38

Natural consequences take him let him be a pita hopefully they won't ask again

UserX · 10/11/2017 06:44

Also love how you’re depriving him of some kind of treat. As if sitting in a grown up restaurant and being shushed for two hours is any four year olds idea of fun.

UserX · 10/11/2017 06:49

Another thing I don't remember doing is expecting friends and family to make arrangements that prioritised my kids' bedtimes over their own preferences

Neither did I pictish but I didn’t take my kids out when I knew they’d be overtired either. By November of yR both my kids were on their knees with tiredness. It’s a big ask for a four year old and some of them aren’t up to it.

pictish · 10/11/2017 06:50

Yes poor lad. It's almost as if it's someone else's occasion and they're doing what they'd like, while requesting the company of their grandson as well. How selfish can you be? Wink

Skittlesandbeer · 10/11/2017 06:51

I say stick to your guns and hold your head high. Your parenting style is a certain way because you’ve put your child’s needs first. You know that you’re likely setting him up for a miserable confusing weekend by dragging him along, whether or not he has fun (and it’s likely he won’t, and the PILS won’t). You don’t need to mess with a working routine just to ‘prove’ your love to them.

And frankly, it’s also ok in my book that after a long workday/workweek you don’t have to break a leg to make it to this dinner when there’s a perfectly reasonable alternative the next day. It is not a requirement of love that you sacrifice your last nerve at the temple of this birthday.

First time I messed with bedtime routine was on holiday in a resort, where there was no real downside or ‘normal life’ to contend with the next few days. THEN it worked well for everyone, and led to a natural loosening of the routine for special occasions. Like any new skill, you and your kid can practice it when you have time and space. Not on someone else’s timetable, birthday or no.

I don’t think they’re being very kind. Maybe they are a bit too used to the autonomy of retirement? The ‘jobs and kids’ thing needs a whole family to support it, so everyone can have a good time. Who wants flustered, exhausted, grimacing guests at their birthday (and that’s just the grownups!). Only self-involved people, for mine.

hellofresh · 10/11/2017 06:54

I have kept my 2 and 4 yo up much later than this for special occasions. They are fine. The excitement keeps them going.

Jerseysilkvelour · 10/11/2017 06:54

I don't think yabu. You know your child, if you don't want him up that late because you know he needs the sleep, then don't keep him up. If they want him there at the celebration, there are quite a few alternatives, I like PP who suggested they collect him from after school club and you all go for dinner at 6.

My parents are very much like your in laws are, they don't see why GC can't change her routine on a whim because it suits them. This has included refusing her anything to eat on Christmas Day at 12 because "it's not lunch time, we're eating at 1:30", she has her lunch at 12 usually (she was 3 at the time). Insisting she can stay up late for something because it suits them, She's one of those kids who cannot manage to stay up late and asks to go to be at 7. She'd never make it to 9 on a Friday, she has a busy week and is whacked by end of school.

kaytee87 · 10/11/2017 06:58

I would give it a go op. Children surprise you, my 15mo is usually shattered at 7.30 and falls asleep at the drop of a hat when put in his cot. We took him to see fireworks last weekend, he was up til 9 with no fussing at all and slept in an hour the next morning.

Before we went on holiday in the summer I would have said my ds wouldn’t ever lie in no matter what time he went to bed and I was a real stickler for bedtime even at the weekend meaning we missed out on things.
On holiday he went to bed at the same time as us and still slept for his 11 hours.

I’ve learned to loosen up now.

If your ds is tired the next day he could always have a nap

TizzyDongue · 10/11/2017 06:59

How do you know what he's be like (now at 4) if he was up later or if he wouldn't sleep longer in the morning if you stick to the routine so rigidly?

Before you had children what would you have thought of a couple, who meant something meaningful, and who wouldn't attend something important to you? If you honestly answer that this is how UR or R you are.

Personally I think YABU and and too inflexible. Nothing wrong with a routine but sometimes it's ok to ease up (I always had an adaptable 'sorta routine' with mine when small - less time constraints more action based).

Still regardless of what others think it's ultimately your choice! Worse outcome is people think you're boring or rigid, or (as already mentioned) don't like spending time with your DS - which will be an opinion some have I'm afraid.

UserX · 10/11/2017 07:03

It's almost as if it's someone else's occasion and they're doing what they'd like, while requesting the company of their grandson as well.

It’s an invitation, not a summons.

Spikeyball · 10/11/2017 07:05

It depends on your child. Ds who has sn is unmanageable if he stays up beyond when he is tired - meltdowns, constant aggression - so we would never do it by choice and our relatives know not to ask.

paniconthestreetsofdreams · 10/11/2017 07:05

Why ask then?

Fitzsimmons · 10/11/2017 07:09

I've got a DS in reception who wakes up at 6am regardless of bedtime or how tired he is. I wouldn't go. I'd go if it was on Saturday at that time because he would have had the day off to wind down a little, but not right at the end of the school week. My DS is really struggling with tiredness at the moment and he doesn't even do after school clubs. YANBU.

pictish · 10/11/2017 07:10

"By November of yR both my kids were on their knees with tiredness."

I'm sorry...I'm not being flippant or snarky when I say this, but I don't understand what you mean? What's the significance of November over any other month and why were your kids notably more tired during it? Was it just November or were they sufficiently recovered from being on their knees to see December?

MrsJamin · 10/11/2017 07:10

Stick to your guns, OP. you know your child and what he's capable of. Also I think you know you won't enjoy the evening as you'll be aware that a meal out is not exciting enough for a 4 year old to stay up.

xhannahx · 10/11/2017 07:12

I'm totally with you op. Bedtime is sacred in this house and never compromised. They are only little for a short time, and your ils should respect your routine.

Ignore all those saying you are finding an excuse...I absolutely would not go, and I know my sister who has the same bedtime views as me also wouldn't either so you aren't alone.

heron98 · 10/11/2017 07:12

I'd let him stay up.

Either he'll surprise you and be fine, or he won't and you can tell MIL "I told you so!"

midsummabreak · 10/11/2017 07:15

With my children, I did like to have them all asleep by 7.30pm - I had 4 children aged 6 & under. But... my youngest two did get used to lots more late nights than the others, and were better at sleeping in!! It can be a drag at the end of the long week to see in laws if there is tension. If you are really worried about your child being a sleepyhead can you get a favourite bottle of wine/s & have nice takeaway at your place ? Or. You could agree to go and have fun