To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

Men are in a vulnerable situation. If they have their sperm extracted without their consent or have a genuine contraception failure and a child is conceived, they have no choice if the baby is allowed to be born or not, but the mother does.

If the baby is born, it is possible for the birth mother to refuse all contact (even if it is granted through the courts), not name biological father on the birth certificate, allow it to be adopted (without letting the biological father know) and/or present them with a maintenance bill.

This is very different to those who actively conceive a child and then walks out on the mother. We shouldn't confuse the two.

There must be many women who even if they had wanted to terminate and been unable to, would still step up when the baby was here.

I’ll be the first to admit that I wanted to terminate when I found out I was pregnant but I was further along than I’m comfortable with for having a termination (my own pref) I’ve stepped up to being a mum whilst his dad my ‘fiancé’ at the time fucked off to the other side of the world LITERALLY. His mother whenever I bump into her says ‘boys will be boys’ about her arsehole of a son .. he was in his late 20s!

Plenty of people suggest that women who seek abortions should have kept their legs closed/used better contraception - look at any abortion debate. (ignoring the fact that abortions are used in many different circumstances for many different reasons, including rape, unviable pregnancies and serious unexpected medical issues)

Yes I agree with you up to a point. I am horrified at how many unwanted and accidental pregnancies are still occurring even with the contraception we now have available. Of course there will be failures as no contraceptive is foolproof except sterilisation. It is sad that a father chooses not to be part of his child's life. Because the child has done nothing wrong.

But just because women have the option of controlling their pregnancy options past the point of conception - does not mean that men get to abdicate their responsibility.

To clarify my post was in response to whatshappening.

Sorry Vivien - was aimed at PP but newborn distracted me so didn't make it clear

OP I think you were always going to make contact - you just needed a nudge. You sound lovely. My friend was in a similar situation and she is an amazing nanna to her DGC.

Men are in a vulnerable situation. If they have their sperm extracted without their consent or have a genuine contraception failure and a child is conceived, they have no choice if the baby is allowed to be born or not, but the mother does.

Surely that's what adult men acknowledge when they have PIV sex? Sperm extracted without consent - what do we mean here? I agree too about contraception failure being uncommonly common in these sorts of circumstances.

I would speak to the mother of the baby and ask her if she would like you to be part of their lives. If the answer is yes I would offer every ounce of support and care I could possibly give. It is your grandchild after all.

I would beyond disappointed that any child of mine could abandon a baby in this way, and I would refuse to follow their wishes and support them in what is clearly a severe lack of judgement on their part.

He may not have 'planned' to have a baby but he played his part bringing the baby into the world and now he/she is here that child has a right to be recognised and loved by all of his/her family including you.

what if something happened to your grand child's mother? The child could be adopted out of your family for ever. how would you feel then? And how will the child feel when it is old enough to ask questions and find that not only was its father a cocklodger but that its grandmother supported him in his cocklodgering tendancies.

do you see your other two grandchildren btw, have not rtwt so if you are seeing them and being a proper granny then apologies for thinking the worst of you.

OP, you said "... she will be a good role model to her child. During the conversation at my house I didn’t make any attempt to talk to her or show support for her so I suspect she feels let down by me after knowing each other a long time.

Think about the role model you are being. You can do better.

Sperm extracted without consent - what do we mean here?

Things like sexual assaults (as men can't technically be raped by a woman under UK laws.

My son is a shit father too..He's been married twice and has for years ignored his only daughter..He appears sporadically and throws money at her, then fucks off again..She's an absolute delight, is 21 now and we all love her so much..I would never ignore a child of my family, I'd rather ignore my son..You need to tell him to grow up, pay for the child and go and see your grandchild..You'll always regret it if you don't..

Men are in a vulnerable situation. If they have their sperm extracted without their consent or have a genuine contraception failure and a child is conceived, they have no choice if the baby is allowed to be born or not, but the mother does.

Wow, that's the biggest piece of bullshit I've ever heard. Mainly because the mother is the one who gets pregnant, gives birth, has to take care of the child while the man has the choice to either fuck off or be a decent human being and take the responsibility.
No contraception is 100%proof. You get the odd leak or pill failure.
The only choice is not to have the sexual intercourse. A man faces the chance of becoming a father every time he has intercourse, just like any woman. Poor vulnerable men, hell no.

Women do have 3 options:

• keep child
• abort
• give child up for adoption

Many may not choose to various options for many reasons, but it does exist and it is their choice.

How sad. Your son should really act responsibly, whether or not you want to meet your grandchild. I always struggle with the fact that someone calls a child an accident - you don't have sex by accident. No contraception is 100% fool proof.

I've never felt vulnerable, I must have missed the memo.

I've got the choice to abstain, though that's not a particularly attractive proposition. I've got the choice to take responsibility for contraception and/or restrict my sexual activities to women I trust if they are to manage the contraception. I have the choice to limit my sexual relationships to women that it wouldn't be the end of the world to have a child with. Finally, I have the choice, should an unplanned pregnancy occur, to pull up my big boy pants and accept that I am not the one facing the biggest consequences - child first, mother second, me last. Becoming a dad unexpectedly is not the worst thing in the world and pales in comparison to a child having to grow up in the knowledge that their own father chooses to deny their very existence.

To the OP, sorry if it's being stated many times already, but your son is beneath contempt. I don't care if he's worried how the mother of his two other children might react, he needs to man up and deal with that. Do not let him coerce you and drag you down to his level. THIS IS YOUR GRANDCHILD - that is the simple fact of the matter, regardless of who the mother is or how your son is choosing to behave. Reading your posts, I suspect you'd never forgive yourself if you chose to have nothing to do with him/her so don't let your son or anyone else pressure you into that.

Sorry to drop this in here, but if you are going ahead with making contact you might want to be 110% the child is biologically related.

I will make every attempt possible to be a part of the child’s life and I hope that their mother allows this after much apologising.

The child is 100% his as a DNA test has been done by an independent agency. My son was obviously clinging onto the hope that it wouldn’t be his. My son did pay for the test.

Big of him

I can give you the point of view from the child and the woman left holding the baby.
My dad walked out on my mum when she was expecting. Because she wouldn't abort me. As you can imagine that made me feel wonderful growing up. Especially as her next DH hated my guts and made it known. I first spoke to my dad when I found him age 27. I am almost 32 and am again NC as he just can't do it. Yet he has his son who he adores at home.
Age 18 history repeated itself. I was pg and found myself on my own. He had other kids and has since had more. We all live in the same town. His wife shouts abuse at me in the street. They try and deny he is the father etc. Honestly it's shit but I have protected my son and he knows nothing of this. I have been super careful about where he goes to school etc. His dad and his entire family are arseholes. But my boy, he's amazing. And he is almost a teenager and already worth a million of his useless father. I am so bloody proud of him.His dad has also not paid for him over the years. We gave up. You will miss out if you don't get in touch. And you will grow to regret it.

I am finding all the comments about the OP's son totally over the top and unkind to the OP and her son. This is totally inappropriate and unpleasant of a man suffering depression and will not help himstep up, it just releases a lot of bile.

Yes, he is making a huge mistake and it is really sad. But it is not his mum's fault.

We cannot be completely responsible for the choices of our young children, let alone our adult children!

I think the OP felt torn between loyalty to her son and genuine feeling for her new grandchild.

Some people have said some really horrible things. Accusing her of not knowing the sex of her grandchild because she has not chosen to reveal it!

OP I hope things work out for this woman, her child and for you as a new grandparent to number 3. And for your son. I really hope all the mums pouring scorn on your parenting will be raising perfect kids!

Please do get your son some help for depression and please do not allow the cruel judgments displayed here make you feel bad.

You are not your son's keeper. But by your good example things may still work out for all concerned.

Mama Well done for doing such a great job on your son.

Well said, italiangreyhound.

On one thread we have posters saying that making sure an 11yo completes their homework isn't the parents' issue, and yet here they're expecting the mother to fix everything for a grownup.