To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

Put yourself in the mother’s mother position, how would you feel if a ‘long term friend’ had treated your daughter like that, how would you feel about the parents of the dad and them keeping out because it’s not a naice situation .... then you have your answer

There's something moving about good grandparents who love and support their grandchildren in spite of their own child's behaviour.

Recently came across a single mother utterly estranged from abusive partner but close and loving relationship with his parents and sisters. Sadly she died and appointed her in laws guardians.

Actually the son has a legal responsibility towards his child to provide care and education

No he doesn't. Legally he has to financially support. That is all

holly I'm definitely not a troll if you read my post properly I didn't say I'd given a baby up for adoption.
I said I have the right if I became pregnant to give the baby up for adoption the same as I have the right to have an abortion.
IMO a man doesn't have to part of a child's life if he chooses not to..

I have sons and I would be extremely disappointed in them if they did this. So no, I'm sorry I wouldn't stand by it. I would contact her, I would make it clear I would respect her wishes if she'd rather not hear from me or have any involvement with me but I would be equally clear that I would be there to help her and be a grandparent and that I was saddened by my son's decision. I would also speak to him more about this matter and the repercussions of his decision, try to make him see it from the child's point of view.

I hope you and your disgusting son stay away from the baby.

I don't think there is any benefit to the baby having family like you around.

I hope your son is paying maintenance but have no doubt it is the minimum. Pathetic.

I work, professionally, with children who have been abandoned.
One in particular is like your grandchild, only nearly eleven now. He lives with mum, had never had contact with dad, and lives in the same locality as dad and his family.
He asks me, in our sessions what he has done wrong, why doesn't dad want me? Why does nana ignore me? Am I evil? Is that why they pretend I don't exist.

Please try to find your grandchild. Ask your son for numbers, addresses, anything. And try. Your son has made a choice, one I have feelings about, but that isn't my place to judge.
But there is a baby in this who needs sit family and shouldn't suffer.

Thank you all for your comments.

I am feeling disappointed in myself also that I have not tried harder to make contact. My husband doesn’t appear to be interested so it would be just me that would be involved if she allowed.

Yes the previous partner tends to be controlling and has caused problems when he started seeing someone new and threatening to stop contact with the children if it continued. I think this is why he was scared about this happening again. One of the 2 children isn’t even his and he took them on as his own and is named father on the birth certificate.
I think because it is such a messed up situation I just don’t know what move I should be making in terms of my own responsibility.

I think your first loyalty is to your son and you should abide by his wishes

Women like you ensure that thousands of children never see their fathers and/or remain financially unsupported by their 'father' whilst their 'father' is off creating more children he will,inevitably, abandon. In addition, you will undoubtedly treat single mums with utter disgust and blame them for being the ones left holding the baby.

It is time that we stopped this shot as a society. Women (or single mums) are not the problem here.

OH OP this sounds like such a tough messed up situation. Personally though, I couldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t try everything I could to support that grandchild. Besides just wanting to morally do the right thing for a baby who is your own flesh and blood, this is just a ticking time bomb otherwise... when the current children find out they have a half sibling that the entire extended family abandoned because ‘well daddy didn’t want the baby’, you and your son may well loose the relationship you have with his kids anyway. Good luck op x

Your Son is a dickhead. And you are condoning it by going along with it. How dare he just walk away withou even a backwards glance? Who does he think he is?!

I’m sorry but depression isn’t an excuse, I have depression and if I had a baby and just dumped it on DH and walked away I would be crucified. But a guy does it and it’s a case “oh well”

Shame on your DS for his shitty behaviour and I’m sorry but seeing your eldest children whilst ignoring your youngest does not a good father make. Shame on your DH if even he’s ignoring his grand child and is prepared to continue. There’s an innocent baby in this who is being punished because it has an ass for a Father. In what world is that fair?

This gets better and better , so he is a parent to a child / you are granny to a child that is biologically not related to you and you disown one that is . As for the ex stopping contact surely he should just go to court and get a proper arrangement , that is not a reason for not being in the new child’s life , it’s an excuse .

I really think that people are being very judgemental on the op.

There are several people involved here and I think that the most important is those that cannot speak for themselves ie the baby and also the mother who's not easily contactable (am I right?) by the op.

You need to look at your values, outside of your son's to decide what you think is the right thing to do, because as a parent (even though he's a grownup) you have to demonstrate what those values are - even it it goes against his wishes.... isn't that what you did when he was a child?

When your values are clear and you know what you think is the right thing to do - you go on and do it. Your son may not like it, but he will respect what you have done.

Be true to you, that's the best thing you can do

I'm going to go against the chorus of "what an irresponsible, terrible person your son is" & say that actually, the mother was made fully aware that the father did not want a child. Whether he has 2,4, or 8 already - no one has a right to force someone into parenthood & when she chose to proceed with the pregnancy, part of that choice was that she would be doing it without a daddy in post. Why should he be forced to have a relationship with a child he didn't want?! I'm not saying it's right, & it's desperately sad for the baby involved but they are both adults & they both made their choices clear. I actually think it's better that he is not involved at all rather than non commitedly in & out for the next 18 years as that would be even more stressful to the little one.
Whether OP wants to be involved is a seperate choice between her & the mother. I think it would be lovely to be involved as much as she will let you but you have to prepare yourself that it won't be easy on either side. The mother may be resentful towards you for your sons behaviour & your son may be resentful to you for being a part of your grandchilds life.
But I think the prospect of having a relationship with your grandchild is worth that & once the dust settles & things aren't so raw you will develop your own, new kind of normalality

Sorry to be brutal but tbh I think you are both pathetic. I would be LIVID if my son behaved so badly towards his own child, and expected me to do the same. That baby has had no choice in being born, & deserves to be surrounded by warmth & love. Though I’m not sure either you or your son are up to the job, judging by your behaviour so far.

My advice is contact babies mother by phone call, text, letter if possible, turning up the door after all this time is the last option I'd go for, the others she has time to process & decide what she feels is best for baby & not so intrusive, well it all depends what kind of relationship you would like with the child, a visit every week or more see them on they birthday Christmas lots of different options, & oc if the mother agrees to contact what she also would like from you, I can't see her agreeing to you having the baby at yours due to son living there, I'd make contact apologise & be honest & say you want to be there for your grandchild despite your sons behaviour, if she agrees u then discuss with her a arrangement you are both happy with & you will need to be consistent,as mother is bound to have doubts about your commitment to baby when you haven't bother at all up till now & to not let this baby down anymore than they have been already, keep your contact with baby & your son totally seperate, don't discuss son with the mother or baby as they grow up, if child asks u inform mother & leave that to her to explain to child & don't discuss baby show photos & such with son if he asks u anything I'd say if your any sort of father you know how child is or whatever he as asked

If a man doesn't want a baby they should either not have sex or be very sure their contraception is effective

Totally Agree with this PLUS

If a Woman doesn't want a baby they should either not have sex or be very sure their contraception is effective.

Seems to be A LOT of contraception failures on MN ......

I give my baby up for adoption I won't have responsibility for that child.. what's the difference?
Should I be forced to be a parent? IMO No.. neither should a man because the woman chooses to keep the baby

With an abortion the baby ceases to exist.

With an adoption it would not actually be possible to place a child up for adoption if it had ONE willing and capable parent available either mum or dad will do, unless your going down the step parent adoption route.

A woman who birthed a live baby she didn’t want would be in exactly the same position as a man if the other parent didn’t wish to also give up the baby.

Once the baby exists it has rights and one of those rights is having its needs and best interests met by its parents granted we may live in a society that rarely enforces those rights unless the absent party wishes that to happen and we don’t really have the facility to do so if they do not wish to do so but it is a legal right of the child all this ‘he’s only obligated to pay’ crap is just handing shit people excuses and based on little else other than our inability to enforce children’s rights if the parent doesn’t fancy it

OP - some of these comments must be v difficult for you to read. I would write a letter along the lines that lalalalyra described. Good luck

Oh FFS, if a man does not want to be a father, he should either not have PIV sex or have an operation to ensure that. He doesn't get to just say 'I don't want a baby...but I'm still going to do the thing that makes a baby and hope it all works out and if not, well I made my feelings clear'. Men are not toddlers with no understanding on causation and they are completely able to make the choice not to have intercourse. You really don't do men any favours by acting as though they are idiots unable to control themselves or not understanding that contraception is not 100% effective.
Women deciding to continue on with a pregnancy is completely different- abortions are not a form of contraception. His choice on becoming a potential father is not when the test is positive, but when he dropped his pants.
He can not be forced to be a father, but he can't just pretend he had no idea that sex can result in pregnancy so it's not his fault.

There is much double standards going on here I'm afraid. If man doesn't want a baby then he must abstain from sex or use effective contraception. If somebody suggested that to any woman either becoming accidently pregnant or deciding it wasn't right after all it wouldn't be acceptable.

If a woman wants to give her baby up for adoption but the man who fathered it does not want the baby adopted, he can become the single parent. He cannot force the woman to either raise the child herself or to live with him, if she doesn't want to. (I think there might have been a thread on this subject a few years ago - the woman did not want to be a mother - or any contact with the man, and the man was trying to force her to remain in his/the child's life). A woman whose child is being raised by its father would be legally obliged to pay maintenance but (just like all those deadbeat dads) could not be compelled to have any contact with the child.

And I do think that OP's situation is a bit more complex than 'Your son is a shit' given OP states that the son's previous partner had threatened the pregnant partner with violence, and that the son had taken on care of the former partner's DC by someone else. But I stand by my original advice to OP which is the same as some PP's - try to contact the new mum but respect her boundaries.

It’s not really a double standard to understand that a person who is not pregnant cannot have a abortion

There is much double standards going on here I'm afraid. If man doesn't want a baby then he must abstain from sex or use effective contraception. If somebody suggested that to any woman either becoming accidently pregnant or deciding it wasn't right after all it wouldn't be acceptable.

I think there is a big difference though. Partly because men know they don't have that extra level of choice re termination, but mainly because if a woman in the circumstances you mention had an abortion, the baby or child does not exist. For the father here it is a case of ignoring a baby that has been born, and is here. There must be many women who even if they had wanted to terminate and been unable to, would still step up when the baby was here.