To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

Totally disagree with the posters who think men have the right to opt out if parenthood if they wanted the mum to have an abortion but they didn't. An abortion isn't a reset button, especially not for the woman involved. Some people seem to think it will put everything right, like a late contraceptive. It isn't an easy option for the woman.

If a man doesn't want a baby they should either not have sex or be very sure their contraception is effective. Actually the son has a legal responsibility towards his child to provide care and education (that's what parental responsibility is). I would argue he also has a moral responsibility.

Wow, he tried to throw his Ex under the bus by claiming she would obstruct contract if he got involved with his new child, he really is the gift that keeps on giving.

How long is depression going to be your excuse for his behaviour,

stompy Do you also think
"If a woman doesn't want a baby they should either not have sex or be very sure their contraception is effective"
Life isn't that black and white. Shit happens
I would never force anyone man or woman to be a parent

I'm glad that you re going to try and contact the mum, you might be able to message on FB. My bio dad wanted nothing to do with me and my grandparents already having a grandchild by him didn't want contact with me....so save and print any messages to the mum to show that you wanted contact and if you get to meet them later be open without blame X much luck and good thoughts to you x

Pedro are you saying you think a woman should have to undergo an abortion they don't want if the man doesn't want the baby? I definitely don't agree with that. The principle of body autonomy more important, surely.

Obviously abortion is an option the woman has, that the man doesn't have. Because it is her body, and because she will have to undergo the procedure and experience any complications or consequences.

No absolutely not and if you'd read my previous post you'd see I have had an abortion and that was my choice only.. not the potential fathers.
If I had a baby and wanted to give that baby up for adoption I shouldn't be forced to be a parent to that child.
Why should a man regardless if he had unprotected sex. If a woman has unprotected sex should she be forced to be a parent?

But it isn't about the rights of an adult to not have to be a parent, it's about the rights of a child to be protected and provided for by their parents.

If you create a child I think you have a moral responsibility towards them (you also have a legal responsibility if named on the birth certificate and therefore having parental responsibility).

If Carlsberg made grandmothers...

I give my baby up for adoption I won't have responsibility for that child.. what's the difference?
Should I be forced to be a parent? IMO No.. neither should a man because the woman chooses to keep the baby.

analyse this till the cows come home. This is wrong, to ignore a grandchild to suit an irresponsible son. Wrong, Wrong Wrong. Why are we even discussing it?

And OkPedro s comment cement the truth. We've become so open-minded our brains have fallen out.

You're a parent the minute you birth a child! There is no choice!

OP would you respect your son's wishes if he asked you to do or refrain from doing anything else that was unethical? Of course not.
This baby belongs to your family and is as entitled to your love as his father is.
I hope you get a great reception from the baby's DM and enjoy a wonderful relationship with your DGC. Maybe later, if your DS sees a pic of baby in your home he will be prompted to become involved himself -- atm he appears to be thinking of his DC as just an inconvenient impediment in his life and not a real title person.
Good luck

I agree with ImMissHannigan, you are getting a hard time here OP.

I hope you can encourage your son to get some help for his depression.

Personally, I would not follow my son's instructions. I would be open and up front about the fact I wanted to make contact with the mum, apologuise for whatever has happened before now, and see if I could have a supportive and friendly role in my third grand child's life.

Hopefully, in time, your son will see that what he is doing and will change his mind. I always think it is very sad to see much older men trying to make up for their massive failings and trying to forge relationships between themselves and their children.

I do understand he did not want to be a dad again, he has a financial obligation and I hope, sincerely, he will see that he has a moral obligation to the child he helped to create.

A male family member had a baby with a woman (a long time ago) and then said he did not want any more. As far as I can make out she went 'behind his back' and got pregnant again. It broke up their relationship.

However, he has stuck by the kids and ironically has ended up with more children with his new partner.

I really hope if you can get your son some help with his depression you might see a change in his attitude. But whatever happens you can show him the way to be supportive and work towards a good relationship with your grandchild. In the long run this will be the most supportive thing you can do for your son and your grandchild, IMHO.

Your son seems to be a very sorry specimen of the human race to turn his back on a child he created.

Do you also think
"If a woman doesn't want a baby they should either not have sex or bevery sure their contraception is effective"
Life isn't that black and white. Shit happens
I would never force anyone man or woman to be a parent
Duh!
'Accidents' rarely happen. If a person, man or woman, does not want a baby they ensure there is no pregnancy. Seems pretty simple because it actually is.

OP, I would NOT respect such pathetic wishes and I'd be embarrassed and ashamed to have raised such a self centred, sorry excuse for a 'man'. In fact, I'd be doing all I can to show that this baby is just as much my grandchild as the others.
The thought of that baby growing up as the forgotten and unwanted child in the SAME FUCKING AREA breaks my heart. Where is YOURS OP? Think of the potential scenarios.

So he gets to prance around leaving a trail of babies in his wake then hide back at his mum's house?

You need to tell him to leave - after all, according to him children don't need parental support.

Seek out your grandchild, and cut lose your waste of space son.

He is a crap dad. who leaves one child and not the rest. Also hes not the boss of you. I feel sorry for the child.

I do hope the mother of your grandchild allows you to at least have some contact, but please don't give up if she doesn't respond straight away (she could not have time dealing with a newborn).
You can also start increasing his rent, putting the excess in an account for your GC.
He doesn't get to dictate who you see or your relationship with your GC. I also hope you have a relationship with the mother of your other GC, just in case he decides he doesn't want you seeing them when he moves out.

Poor kid has an idle fucker for a father,it would be kind if they had a loving involved grandparent. Show your son the right thing to do.

There is a recent AIBU written by a pregnant woman expecting the wealthy parents of her baby's father to contribute financially to a baby she didn't know she was expecting until she was over 20 weeks pregnant. It might give you pause for thought as well.
(Although I do feel the your heart is in the right place and that you are terribly disappointed in your son's decision to have nothing to do with this child.)

Please, Orangeflow, do try to contact the mother of your new grandchild to see if she will accept you having a relationship with her child by your son. If I were you, I would take a leaf out of lalalalyra's ex's mother's book, and do something like this:
"I'm very glad that my ex's mother wrote to me when ex went in a year long strop. She wrote me a lovely letter explaining that she didn't agree with him and that she, and her husband, would like to know their granddaughters.

They made it very clear that they would accept whatever was good for me. They'd be the kind of grandparents who visited fortnightly, had lots of overnight trips and were the first port of call if babysitters were needed, or they'd be the kind of grandparents who sent cards at birthdays and Christmases. They just wanted to be involved and for their granddaughters to know that they loved them."

Then, depending on how she reacts, I would tell your son what you will be doing. If she wants nothing to do with you, then you won't have to say anything (though I would still leave the door open to her in the future, if possible). If she is willing to come to some sort of arrangement, for the sake of her child, then you will need to explain to your son you are not making a choice between him and the child he won't acknowledge, but that as his mother, and the child's grandparent, you need to take responsibility for his actions even if he won't.
Good luck, I hope it works and you get to have a relationship with your new grandchild.

OKPedro, you've had an abortion and given a child up for adoption? . If you're not a troll, and I'm sure you are, what happens to the baby then? It isn't some abstract idea, it is a human person that exists whether he likes it or not. He or she isn't going anywhere. The baby, who did nothing wrong, should lose half of their family? How callous. I am thrilled I dont know you in real life.

OP you should be in this childs life and in your shoes I would be kicking your don out too.

He also needs to keep in mind the kind of message this will send to his other children when they find out that they have a half sibling (and they will eventually) that daddy doesn't want to see. Not only is he preventing a sibling relationship he's making it very plain that his love, time and attention are conditional dependent on whether he wants you around or not. It could be argued that he owes it as much to the other two children to step up as he does this new child.

Apologise for not having been in touch before and explain you were hoping your son would step up on his own, and wanted to give him the opportunity.

Then offer whatever support she would like- do not be demanding or entitled, make clear that you want to support the baby and the mum in whatever way helps.

Hopefully your son will understand that this is the grown up, responsible way to behave and will follow your example. You are the most experienced adult in this situation. Step up!