Or is this incestuous/perverse?

[RoderickRules]

Man-57
Woman-40

Woman was a child that man knew. Man was an adult. A married man whose wife is related to this child, something like neice. Later, wife is now ex wife, her father dies, Man bumps into this now adult female at ex wife’s fathers funeral (where man is in attendance supporting his 35/33 year old daughters.) now adult female and man decide they would like to persue a sexual relationship.

AIBU to think this is incestuous and perverse?

I don't think it matters either that they haven't seen each other in years. They must still remember their niece/uncle relationship.

It is kind of like dating a family member - she used to be his niece, now she's his girlfriend. It seems wrong.

But that’s the thing, OP doesn’t know how much contact they had when she was a child.

As I said, I and a lot of people I know have aunts and uncles that we haven’t seen in such a long time and had little to no contact as children. Not for any creepy reason, just not that sort of family.

I agree with you that it could be weird if he had a main role in her growing up (like that of a close family friend) but not if they were basically strangers when she was a child and met as adults and found to be attracted to each other.

But she a) isn’t his niece, by blood or marriage and b) is an adult. And a proper adult by 22 years! Not just turned 18. He hasnt preyed on a teenager. It’s a woman he hasn’t seen in the guts of 20 years.

I can't agree. I have an Aunt who has been married 4 times. I barely knew a couple of her husbands, but I'd never date them even if I really really wanted to, because at some point they were married to my Aunt & were technically my uncle.
I couldn't date someone that a family member had had first.

I don’t think it makes a difference that they’ve had no contact for over a decade, I think it matters more how close they were when she was a child.
I have family friends who we were very close to growing up that it would be not ok to shag even though I’m now grown up and I haven’t seen them for over a decade.
This.

I have some family friends who feel more like traditionally family people than my uncles ex partner for a few years when I was a child. The family friend would be a disgusting prospect but an ex partner who I met a handful of times when I was younger whilst it wouldn't really cross my mind, it wouldn't disgust me.

I could meet the ex partner now at an event and would find it th same as meeting someone almost from scratch. Enough time has passed and they weren't involved in my childhood.

I agree jan

Unless they literally never met or were introduced ever as uncle and niece it doesn’t seem right.

sure
I don't think I could date them. But I can see how someone years later meeting someone who was minority involved could lead to a different relationship.
E.g. Uncles girlfriend was uncles girlfrienf, not my aunty. If I met her now as an adult we would probably be able to have a friend relationship rather than an aunty relationship.

Yep. Even if I'd never met him, even if he'd not actually been married to my Aunt & they'd just dated - I couldn't do it, it would seem gross to be with someone my Aunt had been with.
It's like going out with a best friend's ex - you're not meant to do it. Add 'family' into the mix & it's even worse/weirder.

Francis his children are not his ex children.
They are not ex cousins.
I still think he has shat on his ex wife here.
You may not, and that’s fine!
We are all entitled to our own opinions.

Wrt lacking a father (or mother) figure, that is a reasonable assumption to make about anyone dating someone old enough to be their parent. More so in the context of the loss of an older male relative.

It does seem predatory to me.
No I wasn’t there to say it definitely was.
Im saying that it seems predatory to me.

Anyway, the hour is getting late!

Thanks everyone for chipping in.
I will check back tomorrow.

People need to stop comparing this to shagging their uncles/nephews who they recognise as family (even if by marriage) this is completely different. They have had no contact in over a decade!

I haven’t clapped eyes on any of my uncles for almost 30 years.

It would still be fucking gross and icky if any person who was involved in my childhood as a trusted family adult tried to fuck me.

Wrt lacking a father (or mother) figure, that is a reasonable assumption to make about anyone dating someone old enough to be their parent.
No. It really isn't.

It's the sort of judgement crap spouted by people who love to speculate and stick their noses into other people's relationships (presumably because their own life is dull and their own relationship is either lacking or non existent)

It is fucking grim.

The men who are married to my aunts are my uncles. Even if they were to divorce - still my uncles. Maybe this family wasn't as close but my non blood uncles are like father figures to me. Can I imagine shagging one? Absolutely not!

More so in the context of the loss of an older male relative.

If that person had died when she was a child or young adult, maybe. But a fully cooked adult woman who had experienced the full grandfather experience to its natural conclusion? You’re really grasping here.

NeedsAsockamnesty

How do you know she didn’t try to fuck him?

She's related to his children and his ex wife. It’s dubious. It may be ok, it may not, depending on how involved he was when she was a child.

It’s the ex wife and daughters who get to decide, I think, not the ex girlfriend.

The bloke sounds grim anyway, ringing up an on off girlfriend to see how she feels about him sleeping with someone else.

As others have said, context is everything here. If he was her beloved Uncle Bobby who bounced her on his knee, it’s very disturbing. It’s different if he’s someone she barely remembers who used to be with an aunt she isn’t close to. I think the whole ‘father figure’ assumption is just that - an assumption on your part.

That said, I personally wouldn’t date a family member’s ex in a million years. I’d never be able to look at them without thinking ‘Eeew, you’ve slept with Aunty Pam’ or whoever. The age difference doesn’t necessarily come into it; I’d avoid anyone a friend had been serious with for the same reason.

Anyway, the family relationship is almost a moot point given that he’s checking whether you’re definitely finished before making his move. You’re well out of it OP.

It’s the ex wife and daughters who get to decide, I think, not the ex girlfriend.

Or the grown woman he’s dating.

People dont seem to understand 'incest' - you have to be (close) blood related. By marriage isnt 'incest'. This was done away with under the Sexual Offences Act 2003 and revised to familial child sex offences (sections 25–29) and sex with an adult relative (sections 64–65) which brings in step relationships. However, the wording is so ambiguous that it can be read that the person only commits an offence if they are directly involved in the upbringing of the victim.

And I use the word victim, when there clearly isnt one in this case.

In smaller communities, this simply wouldnt be out of the ordinary.

They aren't blood related so it's not incestuous, I wouldn't go as far as to say it's perverse but it's a bit squicky and not something I would be all too pleased about were I a family member in this situation.

In your position, as the ex girlfriend, I'd be more annoyed that he's acting like some sort of prize catch by giving you 'first refusal' regardless of the situation with his niece/not niece/i don't know. He sounds like an arse and you are probably well rid of him.

Sounds weird to me...so this woman is his kids’ cousin..?

It always amazes me that so many people seem to forget that words have actual meanings before spouting them and the bullshit bat follows. There is no incest in this situation whatsoever. Your judgment on the fact she has chosen to be with an older man pisses me off. I actually do have ‘daddy issues’ and I’m with a man who is 17 years older than me. In no way are the two connected. I just like the maturity of an older man and the want for an anctual relationship over some of the idiots I have been with. Although saying that my partner can be childish at times lol but he is also reliable and very hands on with the children. I hate when people find out our ages and you can instantly see the judgment on their faces, seriously pisses me off.

For me it's not the age gap at all, it's the family connection I find a bit wrong.

Law is irrelevant here. It's about societal norms. The incest taboo is strong, and in much of society precludes uncles from having sex with their nieces, regardless of genetics.