Or is this incestuous/perverse?

[RoderickRules]

Man-57
Woman-40

Woman was a child that man knew. Man was an adult. A married man whose wife is related to this child, something like neice. Later, wife is now ex wife, her father dies, Man bumps into this now adult female at ex wife’s fathers funeral (where man is in attendance supporting his 35/33 year old daughters.) now adult female and man decide they would like to persue a sexual relationship.

AIBU to think this is incestuous and perverse?

So in a nutshell:

OP and man were in a relationship
The relationship ended
After it ended he has entered into a relationship with a woman in her 40s who he hasn't seen for at least 20 years but he did know her when she was younger
The ex knows about th relationship
Ex comes on MN suggesting he was trying to pull at a funeral, is a pervy old man who then came out as bisexual in their relationship and had an STI when thry met.

But of course they're not bitter and/or over invested.

@RoderickRules

You sound a bit over invested. Let them got on with it and don't give him or her a second thought.

The frankly quite rude comments you're making about him are making you sound bitter (even if you say you're not.) Move on, forget them, and be happy.

I agree that it is a bit weird though. Blood rellie or not, she is his niece. I can't see how anyone can be totally OK with it. It's just weird. It really is. Even if they haven't been in touch for a decade or more and are both over 40; it's still weird.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall
My uncle is single. He had a long term partner when I was a child who was 'uncle's girlfriend' because we didn't see them much. If he met someone now then his DP would be uncle's wife or uncle's partner. I wouldn't see them as an aunty.

Whereas i have an aunty and uncle who I've been inbolved with from childhood. They will always be aunty and uncle to me

If she'd grown up around him it would be a little odd, but not that unusual. As it is they met as adults because they happen to have a family connection. Not pervy, or incestuous

I don’t agree with your summarymaisy
As the woman he hasn’t seen for 20 years is his daughters cousin/off spring of his wife’s sister.
That is the detail that makes it perverse (to me) which you completely omitted

You've still failed to explain the context of their relationship when she was younger.

Eg. My uncle's girlfriend when i was a pre teen was uncle's girlfriend. We didn't see them much. I've not seen her since they split.
That's different to my aunty and uncle who were there all the way through my childhood and attended my wedding etc. They will always be my aunty and uncle.

I could easily meet my uncle's ex out abd about and end up being friends (or if it was an aunty's ex boyfriend in a similar situation see them now and hang out with them). They are just adults who i happened to know years ago.

I don’t see how it can be a response to me when it has fuck all to do with what I said

It's not incestuous or perverse, no.

You’re dripfeeding btw because you didn’t get the response you wanted

I don’t fully know the context.
Only that there was a degree of contact when she was a child.
Unsure how much.
I’m not that close to him myself/don’t know his family.

The fact that his daughters and ex wife are blood relatives makes it a NO from me.

Plus the age difference in this context.

It's neither- but probably a little hard on the ex wife

Not to mention the children. Their father is having a relationship with their cousin.

It’s peculiar, yes.

She probably has childhood birthday cards from Uncle Creepy, the bloke she’s now sleeping with. Grim. Maybe he wanted to keep it in the family.

I have uncles, aunts and cousins that I’ve never met. Including one uncle and cousin who have lived in my town my entire life and I couldn’t point them out to you in a line up. I have no idea what they look like.

Even though she is an older woman at 40, I also thought that she may be lacking a father figure/upset at the loss of her grandfather.
He only went to the funeral as his two daughters were so distraught.
Again, not sure how upset neice was/or not.
It just crossed my mind.

I don’t fully know the context.
Only that there was a degree of contact when she was a child.
Unsure how much.
I’m not that close to him myself/don’t know his family.
And yet you kniw enough to create a thread claiming he is a perverted old man who preys on children he used to know once they enter adulthood!

In a similar line to what battered says my my friend has cousins she hasn't seen since she was a toddler when they moved to another country. She wouldn't even recognise them.

It's very simple: He is NOT related to her. At all.
And as his ex, who he dates as a 50 od year old man has nothing to do with you.

Even though she is an older woman at 40, I also thought that she may be lacking a father figure/upset at the loss of her grandfather
And now you feel it's your place to speculate about the woman's view of events and auggest that there's some underlying daddy issues behind the relationship.

A 40 year old woman couldn't possibly make her own mind up when her and a man in his 50s DO know the context (unlike his ex who has finally admitted to knowing nothing).

You really are determined to paint a predatory image of this relationship. If I had an ex deaperate to wade in on my nee relationships like this I'd think the ex was bonkers

Except I’m not wading in, Ive discussed it here, I don’t have anything to do with his family, we live an hours drive away from each other and I will probably never see him again.

And yes, I think he may have been predatory. It seems predatory to me.

It's weird. The two would be out of bounds to each other, wouldn't even figure, as sexual partners, for most people.

I don't give a stuff about the law here - it's irrelevant.

Sorry, you think a 40 year old woman was lacking a father figure because her grandfather died when she was 40 at what was presumably a respectable age for him of at least 80ish? Really?

It would be like me hooking up with one of my antenatal group's kids in a few years. Or my ex's nephew. It's fucking grim.

Well I’d think t was pretty disgusting if me and my dh split up and he started seeing my niece, no matter how old they were.

He’s had her stay at the house and have sleepovers with her friends, he’s been the adult in charge.

I can’t imagine ever fancying dh’s nephews either, I see them as my nephews.

I think it’s disgusting to be honest.

I also find it disgusting and that comes from someone who understands marrying first cousins.

YANBU.

It's not incest, but it sounds creepy & inappropriate.

I would NOT be happy if me & DH divorced & then later started dating my sister's daughter, who'd he'd known as a child. Weird.

That would make DH my sister's ex brother in law & then potential son in law

I don’t see how this is perverted and predatory solely because of the age.

I have many relatives that I couldn’t point out in a line up (including first cousins) I don’t think I ever met my uncles ex wife and if I did I would have been very young.

If she had just turned 18 or even if she had been in contact with him on a family level all this time I would think it weird. As he has waited until she is 40 to start anything, I don’t think anything of it.

People need to stop comparing this to shagging their uncles/nephews who they recognise as family (even if by marriage) this is completely different. They have had no contact in over a decade!

I don’t think it makes a difference that they’ve had no contact for over a decade, I think it matters more how close they were when she was a child.
I have family friends who we were very close to growing up that it would be not ok to shag even though I’m now grown up and I haven’t seen them for over a decade.