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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this incestuous/perverse?

180 replies

RoderickRules · 08/11/2017 19:10

Man-57
Woman-40

Woman was a child that man knew. Man was an adult. A married man whose wife is related to this child, something like neice. Later, wife is now ex wife, her father dies, Man bumps into this now adult female at ex wife’s fathers funeral (where man is in attendance supporting his 35/33 year old daughters.) now adult female and man decide they would like to persue a sexual relationship.

AIBU to think this is incestuous and perverse?

OP posts:
thepatchworkcat · 08/11/2017 20:16

I’m with you OP, I find it weird. Not incest but definitely a bit off.

midnightmisssuki · 08/11/2017 20:17

i think it’s wierd but really nothing to do with you. Do you want him back or something? Because you are coming across overly involved when (no offence) you are his ex. They are both adults. Move on.

Homebird8 · 08/11/2017 20:20

My uncle by marriage snogged me at his own wedding describing me to his baby son as 'young mummy' as I look so like my aunt (18 years my senior).

I found it gruesome, inappropriate, creepy, and disgusting. DH having heard the story makes sure I'm never alone in a room with him at my request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/11/2017 20:20

Ninon Yes - or if you really want to freak yourself out.....

Imagine getting involved with your nephew-by-marriage.

I need brain bleach!!!

pallisers · 08/11/2017 20:21

It is not particularly nice to have a sexual relationship with your daughters' first cousin. You'd think his instinct would be against it (and hers) But he isn't related to the woman, he hasn't had a long uncle-like relationship with her and at 40/57 they are well grown up.

You dodged a bullet there OP though.

steff13 · 08/11/2017 20:23

It does have a bit of an ick factor, if I think of my husband trying to date one of my brother's daughters, but they're still minors, and he's active in their lives.

In this case, how close they were, how long the aunt and uncle were married, and how long they've been divorced would all factor in to how "icky" I think it is. It's definitely not incest or perversion, though.

Mittens1969 · 08/11/2017 20:25

To me it doesn’t sound right, she is his daughter’s cousin and that is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I have 6 nephews, only one of them related by blood, the others by marriage or adoption, but they’re all equally my nephews as far as I’m concerned. It isn’t illegal and it’s not incest, but it’s at the very least morally questionable. Hmm

Mamabear4180 · 08/11/2017 20:26

Why do you even care op if it's over?

It's not incest. It's a bit creepy but depends on a few things only they know I suppose!

ferntwist · 08/11/2017 20:28

Does that mean his children are her blood relations, e.g. cousins? Might make it a bit awkward especially as they're about the same age. Nothing illegal though.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 08/11/2017 20:34

she is his daughter’s cousin and that is a line that shouldn’t be crossed

You do realise that people can marry their own actual first cousin?

Namechangedgamechanged · 08/11/2017 20:35

Does she actually know she’s about to be a sexual second runner up?

He sounds creepy for contacting you to tell you. Leery old sweaty pasty.

twattymctwatterson · 08/11/2017 20:37

I’m with you op. It’s not incest but it’s creepy and rather Jeremy Kyle

Original poster
RoderickRules · 08/11/2017 20:40

His children are the woman’s cousins, yes.

It’s nothing to do with me, it’s not about ‘I want him back’ or ‘I’m bitter’, I think it’s perverse and am asking what my peers think on an Internet forum.

Most AIBU and probably most of the Mumsnet is unnecessary if we really ask ourselves if it is essential to post.

I don’t need the law to tell me who to date/not to date. I have a moral compass inside me. I appreciate that everybody is wired differently, and for some this is acceptable.

I have been seeing this guy on and off for years, we have broken up many times over his various questionable (to me) conduct around other things.

He has also had a previous period of NC with one daughter, instigated by her, over his sex conduct.

I didn’t put this in the OP, to avoid prejudice and be fair to him.

OP posts:
BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 08/11/2017 20:42

Was he sexually inappropriate with his daughter?

CoyoteCafe · 08/11/2017 20:43

who actually tells a “how we met” story outside of a shit comedy or take a break magazine?

People ask how DH and I met all the time. I thought that was a normal question. May be its because we are different nationalities?

I do think of getting involved with cousins/aunts/uncles as being more of a "southern thing" than a British thing. I tend to think of British people having more decorum. I'm not sure why that would make me unpleasant. (I'm an American if that makes it any better to you).

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/11/2017 20:43

Battered I’m guessing he shagged one of her mates.

MountainOfMegiddo · 08/11/2017 20:45

It is perverse, but I will also question the sanity of the 40yr old niece who is happy to have a sexual relationship with her aunts ex husband.

RoderickRules · 08/11/2017 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RoderickRules · 08/11/2017 20:48

The woman was younger than his daughter, and vulnerable somewhat, jobless.

He is quite wealthy and used to buy her things.
He said ‘they used each other’

Fucking hell, as I’m writing this I see what a sleaze he is.

OP posts:
BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 08/11/2017 20:48

And this is the man you were with for years? What was so attractive about him you were willing to overlook his bullish behaviour?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 08/11/2017 20:49

Oh it gets worse! Seriously! All this was fine whilst you were dating him?

CoyoteCafe · 08/11/2017 20:52

I can completely believe that a man who would pick up his daughters' first cousin at a funeral with hopes of shagging her would be so inappropriate in other ways that his daughters would cut him off.

Was his ex wife at the funeral as well? Did that poor woman have to watch her ex pick up on her niece at her father's funeral? I honestly pity her. I wonder if any of this is about just messing with her head.

RoderickRules, you are well clear of him. What an arse.

picklemepopcorn · 08/11/2017 20:54

So, is the woman vulnerable in any way, apart from being at her GFs funeral?
How long was he with her Aunt? If they split when she was 16, but had only been in her life briefly and maybe even lived at a distance, that's ok. But if he was there, and living in the area, so there was lots of contact, then it’s a bit grim.

Ljlsmum · 08/11/2017 20:55

Eugh yuck. Age difference doesn't make a difference as an adult but there's something a bit grim about knowing someone as a child when you were an adult and then persuing a relationship. Plus the whole ex niece thing. Fair enough not through blood, but it's still nasty.

SpareASquare · 08/11/2017 20:55

Meh. She's a 40 year old woman. He is not related to her.

I'm far more disturbed by the women on here who met their partners whilst in their teens and don't see anything wrong with a 35/40/45 yr old interested in a 16/17/18 year old. I save my 'gross out' factor for that.

Two adults, and FAR from 'young' adults, not related, meeting up after years of no contact is really a non issue. There seems be a whole lot of bitterness going on here.