Or is this incestuous/perverse?

[RoderickRules]

Man-57
Woman-40

Woman was a child that man knew. Man was an adult. A married man whose wife is related to this child, something like neice. Later, wife is now ex wife, her father dies, Man bumps into this now adult female at ex wife’s fathers funeral (where man is in attendance supporting his 35/33 year old daughters.) now adult female and man decide they would like to persue a sexual relationship.

AIBU to think this is incestuous and perverse?

Not bitter, he has given me first refusal. Lucky me!
His offer seems even less tempting after this latest reveal.

I could never date my nephew by marriage.
There are millions of people in the world, must be able to find one who isn’t related to your children/ex wife etc.

In this scenario, if I was the man, I would see this person (ex neice? Neice by marriage) as someone to support, and look after during the funeral of her grandfather.

Why? He isn't family any more. He doesn't have a role supporting anyone. Nice of him to go and show his respects to his ex wife's family but he isn't family and doesn't have any sort of role.

As others have said if she was 18 and he'd known her all her life and waited till she was legal that's one thing. Not seeing someone for donkeys years then meetingup when they're middle aged is hardly vile.

And incest - really?

I get it now. I have known close relationships like this. A former relation by marriage, getting with someone after their marriages dissolve.

One man I know married his brother's ex wife, 3 years after she and his brother divorced. The wife had one child with each brother, so the 2 girls were sisters and cousins. Now THAT is a bit weird.

Move on OP.
I don't think it sounds very healthy but by law there is nothing wrong.

Woody Allen married the child he had helped raise - when she was an adult, obvs.

He denies any child-paedo tendancies - I think it's icky AF,

But this - unless he had contact in an adult sense while she was growing up, the age difference is just that - the same as say Bruce Forsyth or

Technically it's not incest but I have to agree it is gross. I couldn't imagine having a relationship with my cousins' father or any of my cousins being with my father...yuk!

titchy he was at the funeral supporting his daughters during the loss of their grandfather.
The neice had also lost her grandfather.

If I put myself in his role here, I would think my role here is to support and console.
Just as I support console my daughters/her cousin.

How long ago did his marriage end?

MN never ceases to amaze me. The number of people horrified by e.g. their partner leaving his dirty pants on the floor, but perfectly happy for a guy to shack.up with his niece
I think it's creepy AF. All those saying otherwise, would you really be that chilled out about your DC having sex with your BIL/SIL? Or your parent having sex with your cousin?

Gross and icky imo. He's sleeping with his children's cousin ffs

Well if any of my uncles tried to fuck me I would think it was pretty offensive and very icky

It's not his niece, Gilligan. She is his exwife's niece.

Yeah, it's creepy as fuck.

The marriage ended when the daughters were 16 ish, so 13/15 years ago.

So really he hasn’t been in this woman’s life for around 13/15 years. She’ll be a different person than she was in her 20’s.

Although, technically, there's nothing wrong with this, I would not be happy if DD ended up dating my brother in law. It would feel very wrong.

It's not so much the age gap, as many (most?) families see children as being cared for/loved as children by the whole extended family. So, he would have known the woman as a child & possibly played/chatted with her and her toys as a child. Then he wants to date her so much later.

I have “nephews by marriage”. (Ie they are really dh’s.) I don’t see them any different to my “nephew by blood”.

They all call me “Aunty Mumoftwo”.

Because I am their aunt.

One is now an adult (and a father).

Totally inappropriate and crosses barriers that my brain is screaming at me must not be crossed. Eurgh.

I guess it would be different if they barely knew each other (like had met twice for example) but not if he was “uncle John” to her.

he was at the funeral supporting his daughters during the loss of their grandfather

This is the part I find icky. Surely if he was supporting his daughters, he would have been too busy and not in the frame of mind to pick up someone new. If it works out between them, it'll make a nasty story to tell about how they meet.

I can only image how "supported" his daughters feel now. Rather than being supporting of them in their loss, he's pouring salt in the wound by picking up their cousin at their grandfather's funeral.

Are you sure they are all British? Sounds like something that would happen in Arkansas.

I think it's creepier that you would consider it so perverted TBH

So the man is only 17 years older than the woman, and he only knows her relative (his ex wife) by marriage - so a good chance he only even met this woman as an adult. And so presumably didn't even know his new partner until she was an adult herself, given that she is 40 now.

If he was her uncle that had known her since she was a young child and had a lot of contact with her I could maybe understand but from the limited (and confusingly worded) info you have given I find it off that you would describe their relationship as "incestuous". Very unfair to both of them.

I only have blood uncles but I don't consider one uncle's first wife to be my aunt but I do his current wife to be,the other uncle is the opposite and it is simply down to the relationship I have individually with them and we simply don't have that information in this situation.

It's not his niece, Gilligan. She is his exwife's niece.

In my family that's the same thing. My husband's brothers children are no less my nephews and nieces than my sister's children to my mind. Even as an adult my blood aunts and uncles are no more or less family than those by marriage. But I suppose some families may make a distinction.

Okay, actually, so the words you used seemed overly emotive and off putting but I don't know I guess I'd find it weir when you realise it is technically his children's cousin. That is pretty weird.

At least it's not you! Keep your distance if it makes you uncomfortable but I still wouldn't say anything - they are adults after all.

thinks about it more yeah okay it is pretty weird...

it'll make a nasty story to tell about how they meet.

Why would they need to tell anyone the “story” of how they met? who actually tells a “how we met” story outside of a shit comedy or take a break magazine?

Are you sure they are all British? Sounds like something that would happen in Arkansas.

you sound pleasant!

Reading the OP in the abstract it doesn't seem that bad.

But if I consider getting involved with my uncle-by-marriage it's just EUUCCCHHH.