To ask for your comebacks to being asked if I'm a full time mum?

[RemainOptimistic]

Got asked this today in the context of small talk. I couldn't think on the spot so just muttered about going back to work.

What can I say in future? How about "oh why do you ask, are you a part time mum too?" or is that too rude?

Just say yes I am . Unless they were openly sneery I don't really understand why you need a comeback?

I think the OP is a working mum and felt that she was being criticised by the inference that a working mum is a part-time mum, hence her proposed 'comeback' to ask the other person if they were part-time too.

When both parents work you are delegating some aspects of parenting to somebody else, that is why it is such an important decision.

I say this with a foot in both camps, my daughter was with a childminder for a while , I am a childminder.

Just make it clear both parents work and this is a joint arrangement.

I work for myself while my children are asleep or when my husband is with them, so I find it hard to 'categorise' myself. I don't really see the problem with 'full-time mum' in as much as I think it describes someone whose main role in their family is caring for their children rather than saying anything about those who work as well.

I don't think the corollary of 'full time parent' is that working parents are somehow 'part time parents' any more than calling them 'working parents' implies that raising children isn't work.

Unless the person you are talking to is being actively unpleasant, I think it's safe to assume that most people are asking a relatively bog-standard question with no intention of causing offence through their use of terminology which has no standardly 'acceptable' form.

I always say ‘yes, aren’t we all?!’

Just answer the question! I’m not actively parenting when I’m at work.

Do you need a come back - can you not simply have a conversation?
Are you always this easily offended?

I don't think the corollary of 'full time parent' is that working parents are somehow 'part time parents' any more than calling them 'working parents' implies that raising children isn't work.

Well put!

Just answer the question and tell them what your job is or you're going to look a twat.
A mechanic is still a mechanic if they work part time but they wouldn't describe themselves as a full time mechanic would they.
Don't be one of those people who says they do everything a sahm does plus a full time job. You're basically saying your kids nursery/cm/nanny/relative who cares for them during your working hours does nothing.

To those posters who cannot see why this is offensive, I will explain...

The implication is that those of us who choose/have to work outside the home are only mothers for part of the time rather than 'full-time'. In actual fact, being in an office/school/lab/supermarket doing a job does not mean that we are not parents during those hours. We also have to do everything in terms of school runs, homework, housework etc that SAHPs do for their children, on top of our other jobs.

No one is judging SAHPs, merely pointing out that this is the most infuriatingly self-satisfied, patronising and insulting title. HTH.

It doesn't really annoy me. They are obviously just asking whether you work and just haven't mulled over the phrasing.

And no sooner spoken than one appears.
No you don't do everything a sahm does because they are also doing it while you're at work!
A teacher is still a teacher when they're not at work but they don't insist on being called full time when they work part time!

No one is judging SAHPs, merely pointing out that this is the most infuriatingly self-satisfied, patronising and insulting title. HTH.

I think SAHP is an equally self satisfied, patronising and insulting title. Why is it okay for you to use that?

Op. Are you coming back? Or did you just think you’d throw a grenade in about working v stay at home mums and see who would bite for the shits and giggles?

Give me a better alternative and I'll use it gladly.

Chick Oleta I work (part time) and don’t find it offensive. I’m not changing my dd’s nappies etc when I’m at work, taking her, out feeding her etc. Someone else is doing it.
I’m looking forward to being with my dd full time tomorrow.

Oh, i understand why it is supposed to be offensive, but why is it worse than the phrase 'stay at home mum' for example - which gives the impression that there are a lot of mums out there who don't step outside the front door.

The fact that you're not actively caring for her during those hours doesn't make you any less her mum - that's the crux of it.

No but I’m not actively mothering full time. I’m just not offended by it, whilst understanding what you’re saying.

The fact someone isn't teaching from 12-3 doesn't make them less of a teacher but they're still not full time. No-ones saying you're not a mum when you're at work just that for those hours someone else is caring for your child.

Give me a better alternative and I'll use it gladly.

I think the problem is that there isn’t a snappy phrase which doesn’t cause offence to someone. The only alternative, therefore, is to be terribly precise and ponderous - eg “I am the primary caregiver to my two children which I achieve without the use of childcare from an external source”. I suspect that this approach means you will have surpassed most people’s superficial level of interest quite quickly!

The implication is that those of us who choose/have to work outside the home are only mothers for part of the time rather than 'full-time'.

Generally, I don't think that there is such an implication, more an inference on the part of those who don't like the term.

In actual fact, being in an office/school/lab/supermarket doing a job does not mean that we are not parents during those hours. We also have to do everything in terms of school runs, homework, housework etc that SAHPs do for their children, on top of our other jobs.

I don't think anyone would actually argue that parents who have paid employment aren't parents during the hours they are not with their children. However, it's patently not true that all working parents do "everything" that most SAHPs do for their children - younger children are often in nursery or with childminders, school-age children are often in before and/or after school club where their minute-to-minute care is taken care of by paid professionals. Unless the working parent is in childcare or works school hours only then there will be some aspects of their parenting role which are outsourced.

As I've said, I don't really have a dog in this fight as I am neither, but I think your implication that working parents are able to somehow fit in full-time work alongside everything a SAHP does is the reason that SAHPs do feel judged.

Your insistence that 'nobody' is judging them is undermined by your accusation that they are being patronising and self-satisfied for suggesting that staying at home with their children is just as legitimate a use of their time as working.

Jeez. You need a come back? Why are you taking it as some personal insult?
Why did you ' mutter that you were going back to work instead if just 'saying that you were going back to work.
Nothing shameful about being a SHAM or WOHM
The person asking probably don't give a shiny shit what you do. Like you said, it was said in the context of small talk.

On one hand it feels like: * It's like 'can I write you off as a nobody'* on the other hand it sounds like if you work (through choice or necessity) you’re a sub par part timer.

It’s a phrase that can slightly offend EVERYONE! Which is nice and inclusive at least.

As an aside, I’ve always felt a bit of a failure being a SAHM to my under 2.

Until a city worker friend was home with her under 2 for 3 weeks and rang me up to ask how the hell I coped doing it all the time and that the city was a piece of piss compared to a toddler.

I feel better now. Knackered but better.