To ask for your comebacks to being asked if I'm a full time mum?

[RemainOptimistic]

Got asked this today in the context of small talk. I couldn't think on the spot so just muttered about going back to work.

What can I say in future? How about "oh why do you ask, are you a part time mum too?" or is that too rude?

I think a PP earlier in the thread summed it up. "Full time mum" is a noun - we are all full-time mum's by virtue of having given birth. You may work 80 hours per week, your DC may be in boarding school, your DC may not live with you at all - you are still their mum.

If you take "full-time mum" as a verb, then it relates to doing the DIRECT, minute-to-minute caring, full time. If you are at work, you are not doing the direct work full-time. This is a fact. A childminder or nursery is acting in your absence.

I'm a SAHM. When the DC were little I was literally never hands-free of them. That was full-time, 24/7. It was very rare for anyone else to supervise them for more than half an hour. I was a full-time mum in the sense of the verb because I did nothing else.

Now they are at school, I am not a full-time mum in the sense of the verb because I can do what I like between 9 and 4. In those hours I am physically doing something else, not directly child-related necessarily. I'm no longer "doing the mum thing" hour to hour because the teachers are doing that instead.

When a man describes himself as a SAHD dad is seems to attract lots of ahhs and praise and how lovelys.

When a woman describes herself as a SAHM it seems to produce a more ... mixed response.

I don’t stop being a mother when I am work. It means I do hell of a lot of house work/jobs within the home in a shorter period of time than I would if I didn’t work!

It also means you have a hell of lot less house work/jobs than you would if you didn't work.

Sorry, I have no bun in this fight, having done both sides, but the "I do everything a sahm does and work" crap is every bit as annoying as the "part time mum if you work" implication.

*Not just a relationship it's also, tutor, Cook, cleaner, councilor the list could go on.

No, it's not. It's just a relationship. It's just your title in relation to your dc.

The other aspects are valid and important but don't make you more of a mother*

Of course it does! A drug addiction can be a "mothet"

if you take "full-time mum" as a verb, then it relates to doing the DIRECT, minute-to-minute caring, full time. If you are at work, you are not doing the direct work full-time. This is a fact. A childminder or nursery is acting in your absence

This

In the same way, my DH is our DCs dad - there is no other! He is not a "full time dad" because that would imply he was at home with children as their main caregiver for the vast majority of the child's waking hours.
Instead he is a "full-time working dad" which is equally important to the family as we can't live on fresh air.

Yes when I am working I pay someone else to fulfill the mother role

It's split into two camps, then.

The noun and the verb.

I think it's a noun, not a verb.

But then, I don't take offence to SAHPs using it per se. I think it's inaccurate and rather sad that women feel the need to defend it so much. Because as has been said, men are praised for it!

The only reason people get offended by such simple questions is because they themselves feel insecure or uncomfortable with their own choices. unless people are clearly being malicious or trying to offend, they are most likely just trying to make small talk and to take offence at every clumsy little turn of phrase says more about the person taking offence than it does about the person whose words are clearly being twisted to justify angst of some sort.

Yes when I am working I pay someone else to fulfill the mother role

It's a childcaring role, not a mother role. Or are fathers just not expected to raise children at all??

I have read and re-thread the OP's post but cannot see what the issue is. Why do you think a 'comeback' is needed? What's wrong with the question in your eyes?

No point in getting offended about this op.

If I heard someone wilfully misunderstand or make some smart arse barbed comment in response to the phrase "are you a full time mum?" it would signal to me that the person was an irritating and difficult person to deal with.

Why not just reply, I work as a solicitor (or whatever the fuck you do that makes you so brilliant that you need to belittle and take down a person making small talk/using ordinary phrases)

Genuinely, who cares? There will always be people who judge what others are doing/not doing as it helps them justify their own decisions. During the time I have been a mum I have worked full-time, part-time, studied, worked voluntarily and not at all - for various reasons and circumstances - and I've been the same kind of parent and the same person regardless. Some of those situations have worked better for our family than others, but our reasons for doing it are no-one else's business. If we worried less about labels and judgement and just did what we thought was best or necessary for our own families, we'd all be a lot happier and more confident.

This is very true nicky. And i've said the same thing here in the past.

Madmags - splitting hairs somewhat. As I'm the one who has to sort out childcare and as i always employ females, i see the person I am paying to do my job as a mother replacement

I have been asked this a LOT after being to various baby groups, school etc. People mean are you actively parenting all the time; I think everyone knows that as a parent you’re always potentially on call for illnessss or disasters etc. When my daughter was a baby and people asked if I was going back to work I’d say not yet. As she got older and people asked if I was a full time or stay at home mum I’d say yes. And when shw started preschool I’d say “yes but she’s just started preschool so I get two mornings off a week.” And I do call my kids being babysat time off being a mum. Because it is. I can take my car seats out and pretend I have no kids for a while if I want to in that situation!!
If you told people you had a job as a chef and they asked if you were full time you wouldn’t say “yes I don’t stop being employed as a chef just because I walk out the door at hometime” if you only work at lunchtime three days a week would you? It’s not dissimilar. We all know what they mean....

“Well, as far as I know, I’m the only mum DC have got.”

So, as suspected, the op didn’t come back...

Lethal perhaps I'm just lucky that DH takes an interest in who is supervising his children as much as I do then?

If you have a full time job then you are not a full time mum - and people wonder why this is offensive..is your DH a part-time dad? Do SAHMs with school aged children part-time mums?

Madmags - So do you employ males or females to look after your kids? And My dh very much takes an interest he just never sources childcare - slightly strange assumption you've made there!

I didn't know one could BE a part-time mum. It sounds ace - where do I sign up?!

To be honest I call my husband a part time dad. He goes to work long hours and is very clear that sometimes he is glad to be getting out of the parenting. He also has a hobby which takes up days at the weekend sometimes and evenings and again, we agree that he’s not parenting when he’s off doing these things and the kids are with me.

I'm a part time mum

When people ask my DH about work/DC it is split into two questions -What do you work at?/what do you do for a living? - Do you and your DW have DC? There is no Full time/part time position. If one were to be pedantic and contrary, does that mean Single Parents are only a part time parent if the other parent has the DC X times per week and they have child free time. I never knew there was such competition to explain ones own self until I had DC and started reading parenting forums. I once worked with a woman who had a big chip on her shoulder about SAHM and thought it was all about meet ups, going to Parent Toddler Groups and drinking coffee like she did on maternity leave. I don't think it matters either way as long as people are happy and making the right decisions for their family.