To ask for your comebacks to being asked if I'm a full time mum?

[RemainOptimistic]

Got asked this today in the context of small talk. I couldn't think on the spot so just muttered about going back to work.

What can I say in future? How about "oh why do you ask, are you a part time mum too?" or is that too rude?

Blimey. Some poor innocent soul is making small talk with you. It's pretty clear what they mean and doesn't sound like they were aiming to upset you.

This kind of thread makes me never want to attempt any small talk ever. In case I upset someone with a chip on their should who makes a profession out of being offended.

The fact that you make anything out of this comment at all says more about you than them. You clearly have issues validating your own life choices. Only those who have to validate their choices to all and sundry would take offense at innocent comments.

I am a full time mum and also work part time! You don’t stop being a mum once you get to work😀

You're not though. You know what it means.

Yes, she is.

No she's not.

Unless you're unable to understand context to this basic level, in which case don't take it out on others.

Wants
I am a full time mum and also work part time! You don’t stop being a mum once you get to work

Are you saying being a full time mum isn't work?

Oh hot was that your attempt at being witty?!

It’s not work, Flower. It’s a relationship. If you’re being pedantic.

I asked Wants the question.

The childcare role is work, or would you say a nanny or childminder doesn't work?
A mother doesn't stop being a mother because she has a job to go to but that same mother isn't doing the childcare role that a SAHM is.
It's strikes me that mothers who go to work are very quick to shout down what is probably an innocent comment but which they take offense to as they believe it suggests they're only a part time mum but are also very quick to put down the effort and work involved in being solely responsible for the care of preschool children pretty much 24/7.

No. But I can see you're getting even more confused

So
When you kids go to school do you become a part time Mum again?

Nobody asks is a woman is a full time mum to suggest the opposite is a part time mum and no-one asks if a woman is a working mum to suggest the opposite doesn't do any work.

I'd say, "Why do you ask? Don't you think every parent is a full time parent?"

God why would you care what a random thinks of your life style?

It’s great getting older as you really don’t care about crap like this.

It’s small talk. Move on.

I hate the minefield of different phrases you can/should/shouldn't use to describe the various situations parents find themselves in/have chosen. I think as long as the question was asked in an innocent, interested manner, without any patronising undertones, just answer the question without getting offended. I've had people ask me if I work, and when I've answered "No, I'm just a mum", they jump in with "Oh no, you're not JUST a mum - never JUST a mum, it's such an important role - I'm sure they keep you busy, haha!" I don't need any justification! I really meant, and was happy saying I'm "just" a mum, as in "only" a mum, no other employment. That did annoy me, because they assumed I was somehow apologising or feeling inferior for being a SAHM (or whatever you want to call it). But as for using the "wrong" description for working/having no paid employment, let it go.

Who actually cares about this?

Erm - mothers who feel that they are being judged for working outside the home, @Vashna - though I think you could have worked that out for yourself, if you had tried. Just because something doesn't bother you, doesn't mean that it can't bother other people.

mothers who feel that they are being judged for working outside the home

When they aren't being. It's just small talk. No-one cares that much about you, so eat that chip and chill.

Well I'm a full-time mum in the sense that I don't do anything else. But I'm a part-time mum if you like because the kids are now all at school. So I'm a full-time mum who does the "mum-thing" part-time.

I am just responding to the OP, so forgive me if this has taken a left turn, but "if you are doing the 'Mum' thing right, it is definitely full time.

How do you know that they aren't being judged, @hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea? There are plenty of people who DO judge a mother who works outside the home - I've seen comments online about women 'abandoning' their children in nursery, and how it is terrible parenting to have a child and then not raise them yourself - so purely on the balance of probabilities, some of the times this question is asked, it is being asked in a judgemental fashion.

Unless you are there at every occasion of this question being asked, you cannot make such a sweeping generalisation.

Oh, and fwiw, I never personally felt judged when I did work outside the home - that doesn't stop me being capable of empathy, or of realising that some women do feel judged in this situation.

Surely everybody is a mum if they have children. But being with kids all day is a different lifestyle set-up to being with them mornings and evenings. People who ask if you are a full-time mum are probably just trying to work out if you're likely to be around in the day, available for play dates, etc. Maybe they want company?

I'm sure you're right, in some cases, @Vashna - but I am sure there are times when the question is asked in a judgemental way.

Unless you are there at every occasion of this question being asked, you cannot make such a sweeping generalisation

Of course you can, unless you are determined to be offended. If you are starting from a point of everyone is judging you unless you can prove otherwise then you need to seek help for your paranoia and narcissism.

999 out of 1000 times if someone asks you this, they are simply asking if you've a paid job or not. Don't be a dick about it.