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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD in this school situation

350 replies

Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 13:23

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened Sad

OP posts:
Easilyflattered · 06/11/2017 16:25

You've been brushed off by the HT, so it's now appropriate to complain to the Chair of Governors. Who should be interested to know that an anti bullying strategy is not effectively implemented in the school. Performance management issue for HT.

You may also like to ask why the school's behaviour policy including anti bullying strategy is not published on the school's website. I believe it is a mandatory requirement and would be picked up at an Ofsted inspection.

castasp · 06/11/2017 16:28

Send an email - put EVERYTHING in writing. They will soon do something once it's in writing - and use the word "bully/bullying" repeatedly. Bullying comes under safeguarding, and if OfSted finds evidence that a child is being bullied (i.e. your email) and they haven't done anything about it, the school will be in a lot of trouble - they could fail OfSted on this.

Make the email as long as you need it to be - describe every incident you can think of . State clearly and repeatedly that your child is being bullied and state that you want the child punishing every time she bullies your daughter, you want the parents spoken to (I wouldn't be surprised if the parents are bullying the Head in some way though...), you want the child kept well away from your daughter and you want teachers to keep a very careful eye on your daughter to watch out for incidences. State that if nothing is done you will take the matter further (which I think would be putting a complaint in to the governors?).

Aside from that, you may have to move your DD. I find very large schools tend to have less problems like this because there are just so many more children to play with, and if there is a problem, they can have one child move classes, because there's usually at least 2 classes per year group.

My sister moved my nephew after his reception year, due to bullying, and he's never looked back. The school did absolutely nothing, and made my sister feel like she was just causing trouble for the sake of it.

IggyAce · 06/11/2017 16:29

Your poor daughter, you need to put complaint into the governors, the head has brushed this aside and it's not acceptable. They may think it's rare for bullying to happen in reception but it does happen and your concerns should be looked at properly and not brushed aside.
Also I would be contacting your LEA and finding out which schools have places and move your daughter.

jmh740 · 06/11/2017 16:29

What fraying said a formal request for the bullying policy if you get nowhere with the head write to the chair of governors. It sounds to be like they are trying to brush it all under the carpet. You need to ask how they are going to keep your child safe from harm in the future the head should have made time to listen to you

Gemini69 · 06/11/2017 16:32

OMFG.... are you serious Shock ... that is appalling ?!

well now you know why your DD's issues have never been dealt with and taken seriously... the HT is one of those types that can only hear her own voice... Hmm

TheCatsMother99 · 06/11/2017 16:33

Your poor daughter and poor you for having been terribly brushed off and ignored!

Definitely take this higher. Hopefully there will be a record of you raising this before but, if not, compile the info and add it to your complaint.

I wonder if the mum of the other girl being nasty is part of the reason why the other girl is nasty and/or why the HT is doing bugger all about it (as she doesn't want to deal with the other parent), either way, it's not on.

helpmum2003 · 06/11/2017 16:34

JungleJupiter i'm so sorry.

I agree that you now need to escalate this to the governors.

I would also start looking for another school as anothe option.

We moved our ds in Y4 after 15 months of bullying not dealt with by school. Really wished we had done it sooner. It was a small school, kids who'd been together since playgroup. The bullying seemed to become a habit and difficult for DS to visualise another friendship group. Ironically the school we moved him to had even fewer boys in his year but they dealt with amy problems immediately and didn't let them get out of hand. His first school was a church school and I think they took their eye off the ball as seemed to think they were immune from bullying.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2017 16:35

Sit down and write a detailed account of everything that your DD has reported to you and every conversation you have had with staff , including the outcome and the conversation in which the head effectively refused to provide you with a copy of their anti-bullying policy. Explain the effect you have observed these episodes to be having on your DD. Try to keep to facts, not opinion and use clear, unemotional language.

Send the account to the head teacher and the chair of governors, saying that you believe that your DD has been bullied systemically over a sustained period and you would like this letter to be treated as a formal complaint. Say that you would like a response in writing detailing how they will protect her from any future episodes of bullying.

You will probably get a letter back saying it has been investigated and the staff have done everything right but they will also probably deal with it far better in the future, knowing you are likely to complain again if it continues.

Iris65 · 06/11/2017 16:35

I'd change schools. The teachers aren't dealing with it and it's making your DD miserable.

I agree with this.

Gemini69 · 06/11/2017 16:35

thank gawd there are gals on here that know this stuff.... Flowers

I'm stunned at this Shock

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 16:36

I think what really hurts the most is that when I said about the excluding and the mean comments, the HT said "well we never see that, they are always happy and playing together" I then said "you can't watch and hear everything they all say 24/7" and she said "we are keeping an eye on them" to which I said "i don't think my DD is lying about this" and she just LOOKED at me. All infront of my DD who is listening to it.

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 06/11/2017 16:37

Change schools complain to the governors loudly and lots

castasp · 06/11/2017 16:37

goldmandra has put it much better than me, but that is what you need to do.

misscheery · 06/11/2017 16:38

I am not sure what advice to give you other that don’t punish your DD as she might understand something different

My question is: who the f raises these twats?!?!? If that girl was my child I’d be so embarrassed...

GreenTulips · 06/11/2017 16:38

Ask for the complaints procedure and email address of governors
Put all you can think of in writing
Mention safeguarding
Menetion the complaints procedure in your emails

State ' we would like to know in writing what you are going to do to safeguard our daughters emotional wellbeing at school and reduce the acts of bullying towards her
Further we would like X incidents investigated and a full report in writing within 5 working days as per the complaints prodecure

Mittens1969 · 06/11/2017 16:38

I would agree that you need to put in a formal complaint about the school’s handling of this. So bullying rarely occurs in reception? Rubbish, it can and does happen sometimes, they just close their eyes. Angry

SistersOfPercy · 06/11/2017 16:39

If she's only in reception she has a long school career ahead of her. Do you really want her in that particular school? They have shown their failings now, I can't see things improving down the line.

Get her out of there.

Chocolatecake12 · 06/11/2017 16:40

Your poor dd.
I agree with pp that you should contact the governors.
I also think you should arrange a meeting with the ht clearly stating the reasons for the meeting and asking for her complete time to get to the bottom of this bullying.
If you email your request for the meeting you are stating a ‘paper trail’ and this is a good idea if things do need to be escalated to the governors.
Also you should write down every incident.
Good luck

BagOfWorriesIsShite · 06/11/2017 16:44

The head teacher is completely useless and in the wrong job a cunt.

2 options.
A. You feel up for a fight and have confidence in the governors. If you do then write a letter of complaint to the school and contact Ofsted.

B. You don't feel up for a fight and or have no confidence in governors. Take your lovely dd out of this shit pit of a school and find one that can educate her and keep her safe.

I am Shock for you at the unprofessional and condescending conducts of the HT.

scaryteacher · 06/11/2017 16:46

It's worth putting in that you feel they are failing in their duty of care to your DD. That gets them every time.

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 16:47

If they are fully insistent that my DD is not being bullied though am I losing the battle before I've begun?

OP posts:
mythbustinggov · 06/11/2017 16:48

As others have rightly said, request (in writing, email is fine) the bullying policy and the complaints procedure by return. Then raise a formal complaint. You'll have to go through the process, which (as I said in a previous post) will be a meeting with the Headteacher to discuss the point in your complaint (detail them all when you write the complaint). If that gets brushed aside, go to stage two, which will be an investigation by the Chair of Governors followed be a hearing. If that doesn't do the trick, go to the LEA (or Academy Trust Board if it's an academy).

Not having the policies on the website would be a problem for Ofsted

dissapointedafternoon · 06/11/2017 16:50

Pick her up and go find the girl.
Talk to her in front of her parents.
Outrageous that we think spitting is bad and hitting is terrible.

I would not be happy.

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 16:50

Also the HT said that regarding the girls mum, that has nothing to do with school and they can't step in - even though I told them that this girl was telling my DD "my mummy says not to play with you"

OP posts:
TheCatsMother99 · 06/11/2017 16:53

Talk to her in front of her parents

It sounds though that won't be any help though as the mum is probably part of the problem.