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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD in this school situation

350 replies

Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 13:23

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened Sad

OP posts:
diddl · 08/11/2017 15:07

" "ok you have my attention now" "

So when you'd already told her that your daughter had been spat at/hit/told to go away, that didn't get her attention because???
Hmm

TheDayIBroke · 08/11/2017 15:13

This does bring up painful memories, but I just want to say you're not alone and Flowers. Been where you are, having school deny there is a problem, the copious amount of tears and all the feelings that go with this. I truly am so sorry you're all going through this.

It is so unprofessional on the Head's part that she was still prepared to not listen to you and deny there is anything amiss, until you gave her the facts. Thank goodness she has begun to "see the light".

Cake and Star for your DD.
Gin, Wine, Brew and more for you and your DH.

Spadequeen · 08/11/2017 15:16

Just caught up with all this. Well done for standing up to the head and not letting her fob you off.

It might not feel like it but you are doing really well.

I have had issues with a couple of girls at dd2 school since year 3, no one was able to stop it completely, things would get better for a while then dd2 would forgive and forget and it would all start again. She then had the most amazing teacher last year, I don’t know how she did it, but no problems since then and dd2 doesn’t seem to be thrall of year 2 girls.

I hope the school now start taking you seriously and stop thinking because your dd doesn’t say anything that all is ok.

Fruitcorner123 · 08/11/2017 15:51

Thats good news bit why on earth didnt you have her attention before. Stupid woman! To start the meeting off with a monologue like that seems really unprofessional too. She has made a mess of this one.

The main thing is they are dealing with it now. Hopefully the other mother wont like her daughter being diaciplined and will move her daughter to a different school.

Peregrina · 08/11/2017 16:05

Please keep an eagle eye on the situation and don't stand for any nonsense. I think it's possible too that you will find other mums rally round you, because if this bullying child can't bully yours she will probably try to pick on someone else. Having said that she too is only a small child, and hasn't got a good example to follow.

flumpybear · 08/11/2017 16:10

Glad you e got an action plan

I’d write an email now and write all yo discussed and agreed today and the actions moving forwards - make sure you say ‘if any of this doesn’t fit with your interpretation of our meeting today please say so’ or words to that effect

That way you have it in writing and any responses or not to confirm she’s happy with the way forwards and what’s happened already

Well done! I really hope this gets sorted out ASAP

SpaceDinosaur · 08/11/2017 17:03

Bloody well done OP.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/11/2017 17:21

Whoop whoop jungle you rock WineStarStar

Well done you. Don't worry about crying - it actually helps show that you are at the end of your tether and any reasonable adult will think if this is how mum feels then how does the 5yo feel who's actually being bullied.

Excellent response about police. I reckon that one scored you some brownie points Wink

ohfourfoxache · 08/11/2017 17:36

Oh Jungle, please accept the un-MNettiest of enormous squishy

You absolute star - you absolutely fucking rock my dear. Reeling off bullet point like that, and the HT saying “ok you have my attention”: just utterly brilliant. I’m so pleased at the outcome of this meeting.

I just pray that they follow through.

How is your Dd tonight?

TheCatsMother99 · 08/11/2017 18:05

Well done Jungle, you've done your DD proud!!

I hope it's the beginning of a turn around for you all.

bastardkitty · 08/11/2017 18:08

Well done Flowers. The heateacher is useless. It's a shame you had to go to such lengths to get her to take any notice at all. No point them blaming your daughter for not telling them, when they weren't listening.

Elend · 08/11/2017 18:38

I've been lurking but just wanted to say after the last update, OP what a FAB mum you are! Your little girl is lucky to have you. The behaviour of the other mum just makes me so sad for the other girl. No wonder she acts the way she does if that is the example she is set.

V un-mumsnetty hugs and cheers to you and your OH. Hoping things settle for your DD soon.

Gemini69 · 08/11/2017 19:00

Well Done Mum Flowers I'm so happy for you all Star

thank goodness the MN's knowledge is on here to help people in these awful situations.... Grin

and your Baby Girl will hopefully have much happier school days from now on.... Flowers

UnicornRainbowColours · 08/11/2017 19:04

Well done, standing up for your daughter cx

dissapointedafternoon · 08/11/2017 19:05

Well done you did great.
There is no harm in crying, you are a human.
And you know what? You are an amazing mum.

Peregrina · 08/11/2017 19:28

Just thinking about this further - even if the other mum had been in complaining, a Headteacher, or anyone really, worth their salt would have tried to find out the other side of the story. So it might still not be a bad idea to keep an eye open for a place at another school just in case.

spiderlight · 08/11/2017 19:28

Well done you!

To ask WWYD in this school situation
MissEliza · 08/11/2017 19:34

Ok you have my attention now Wtf? Why wasn’t she paying attention** before?

Starlight2345 · 08/11/2017 21:51

Well done op . I do hope there is action

RoxanneMonke · 08/11/2017 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunabear1 · 08/11/2017 22:16

Well done OP Flowers

timeisnotaline · 08/11/2017 23:09

Well done op. The head is a bit spineless though so you need to keep a close eye on things. She absolutely could pull the other mum in and explain the level of acceptable conduct she expects from parents of students at her school on school grounds and how she is going to hurt her daughter worst of all.

Kaybush · 08/11/2017 23:43

OP I haven’t been able to read all the replies but my heart goes out to you and your DD.

On a positive note, my son was bullied in Y3 and it got to the point where he said he didn’t want to live anymore. My DH was self-employed at the time (I worked FT) so we promptly took him out and home-schooled for 3 months then, with help from my parents, put him into a small independent school.

After a year my DH said he missed his old friends and we decided to return him to his old school, but made sure he was in a different class from the bullies. Being away for that time gave him a huge boost of confidence and that we were able to respond swiftly in a crisis made him feel loved and safe (he has since said).

He has never really looked back and is now a very confident 6ft, 13 year old rugby player with a large group of friends at secondary school plus a girlfriend!

If it’s all too much for you and your DD, I really would recommend taking her out of that school and home schooling until a place becomes available elsewhere. The online resources make it so easy to do - it can often be more fulfilling for a child than real school.

I think taking decisive action to alleviate your DD’s situation would make her feel so loved and secure it would boost her confidence immeasurably.

Best of luck and huge hugs to you both! Xxxxx

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 09/11/2017 07:19

I just want to say a massive Thankyou to everyone to all of you for your unbelievably kind words and advice. I honestly don't think I could have got through yesterday without all the advice and comments of people that have actually been there Flowers

When I went to fetch my DD yesterday, I saw the head approach the other mum and they went off together in the direction of her office. The other mum returned just before the children were let out and made a swift exit. I can't be sure whether the head was speaking to her about what's been going on but it did seem odd that she would take her into her office.

I spoke to my DD last night about how friends should treat you and what is not right in a friendship. She still says that she loves this girl and wants to be her friend, I suppose all I can do is support her and monitor the situation very closely. I have also been in talks with my DH about which schools to go and have a look at should it get to that point.

I will of course keep you all updated but for anyone reading this who's going through the same thing and is like me, not confident and hates confrontation, I saved this on Pinterest and kept looking at leading up to the meeting, as well as reading all the MNet comments. It's all helped me so Thankyou, Mumsnet at its best ❤️

To ask WWYD in this school situation
OP posts:
diddl · 09/11/2017 09:38

Did the other mother see you?

If so, I can't help thinking that she would have given a smug look if appropriate iyswim.

" She still says that she loves this girl and wants to be her friend, "

Oh dear.

If your daughter actively tries to be friends rather than passively taking whatever crumbs are offered, I can't help thinking that she'll have the mother accusing her of pestering her daughter & the bullying will be her standing up for herself iyswim.