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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD in this school situation

350 replies

Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 13:23

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened Sad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/11/2017 17:45

If they are fully insistent that my DD is not being bullied though am I losing the battle before I've begun?

Sadly yes, if the HT is one of the 'There's no bullying in my school' brigade.

And yes, they can (and do) bully when they're only reception age.

Do you have any other schools nearby? It's very hard when you don't trust the HT to care for your children.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/11/2017 17:45

Go entirely formal, email and write a letter to both the head and the chair of governors.

list all of the incidents leading up to this, make a big point of those that were reported to the school.

state what the head teacher has said to you and point out that it clearly isn't true.

in short be that fucking parent

(and I say this as a teacher).

and don't punish your child for this, she has stood up for herself and that should be commended.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/11/2017 17:46

Email.

Dear HT,

As you were unable to find time to discuss the bullying my DD is receiving on x date at y time I am keeping DD at home until we can fit in that meeting and have an action plan written down.

DD will remain at home for her emotional well being. When we left the classroom yesterday she had wet herself due to the stress and upset.

Regards

Fragglewump · 06/11/2017 17:48

Ask for a copy of the schools anti bullying policy too!

Angrybird345 · 06/11/2017 17:48

Escalate it to governors tonight by email. Keeping dd off school may cause more issues. Now your dad has smacked this girl, the girl might stop. Make sure your dd knows she is in no trouble at all with anyone.

Angrybird345 · 06/11/2017 17:49

Email the school and give them 24 hours for anti bullying and complaints policy, then contact governors.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/11/2017 17:51

I hate to say though looking for another school is likely the only realistic solution.

Ime of schools who act like this it'll never get solved and they'll be on the defence now.

I fought a school when ds was being bullied for so long. It damaged me and him and the bully felt empowered (because ds got equally punished for defending himself) and eventually the student pulled a knife on ds in a classroom. All the school did was arse cover. They didn't give a shot that ds tried to hang him self and when I rang him in sick as I took him to gp their only communication was to tell me they weren't authorising it Hmm

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 17:56

Thankyou all so much for your replies, mumsnet has saved me tonight from a very depressing spiral.

I've contacted the owner of the preschool that DD was at, who also happens to be a school governor, and asked for advice. We became close through the years and I value her opinion, obviously I know she can't say too much in her position. She has emailed back to say she will have a think on the situation and email me back later with her thoughts. I have started to compile the email to the HT but struggling not to let emotion take over

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 06/11/2017 17:59

I would look for another school, but I would also escalate it to governors because we didn't as we were so keen to be out of there but I wish that we had now.

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 06/11/2017 18:03

OP sorry, I got distracted between writing and posting my reply, so I see you did NOT have a successful meeting.

With 20 years of hindsight, do not accept what HT has said. You need bullying code and complaints procedure. Keep your cool and think about the long game. Contact the LEA if codes are not forthcoming. Email everything as your proof, including notes of each meeting. Keep detailed records of all incidents. My sons HT once told me that her heart went out to the bully, and that they need more compassion and help than those that are on the receiving end. This was after they had used my DS as a football, because apparently “he is fat and looks like a ball.”
I should have done more for him, and I will always regret it. You have had some great advice on here. Good luck.

Bully was suspended from secondary school within a fortnight of starting there.

Nine years later I took great delight in telling HT that DS got an Oxbridge first.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/11/2017 18:04

With email keep it bullet point.

Eg. As you know DD has been experiencing exclusion of a friendship group instigated by child X. After discussion you have DD advice on how to deal with being excluded from a friendship group.

You are aware that child x spat at DD in x room because .....

DD was being excluded again on y date when child X approached her whilst she was chatting in line with friends. This is bullying - child x came over with the intention of excluding DD rather than joining the back of the queue.

When you write about this evening keep it factual
• left message at x time
•message said to chat to teacher
• ht teacher entered conversation having not been present for previous conversation
•refused to engage or solve situation as staff meeting was her priority.

HebeJeeby · 06/11/2017 18:09

When DD was being bullied, I struggled to get the teacher to do anything as the other child was the golden child but eventually the teacher saw what was going on. At that point we e-mailed the school and said that we would not be sending DD to school again until they could guarantee her well being. We asked for a meeting so that they could tell us what THEY would be doing about it all. I have to say the school was fantastic and it was sorted out that very day. I do have confidence that they would have sorted it anyway as they are a good school.

However, my point about keeping her off school is that the school get their attendance records scrutinised at an OFSTED inspection and unauthorised absence is looked at closely and they will be marked down for it.

Time to up the ante now OP, the HT has brushed you off and i’d be onto the Chair if Governors like a shot. I’d also be looking at other schools as i’d Have no faith in the HT now. Thinking of you and your poor DD.

FireCracker2 · 06/11/2017 18:14

I think you need to be very aware that the school are there to see what actually happens, you are not.You have your DD's version of events , the other mum has her DDs
I used to help in a reception class and heard time and again from parents that their child has no one to play with which was completely untrue for 90% of the time. I know you don't want to hear this but you need to take what your DD says with a pinch of salt it might not be 100% what an impartial bystander might see.She knows what she tells you gets your attention!
Are there other girls in reception that the school could help your DD make friends with? You are on a hiding to nothing with the old group.You cannot force children to like one another and it must be very tedious to have someone you don't like trailing round after you trying to force themselves on you all day.I think you maybe need to apologise to the teacher and ask her what your DD can do to help make a new circle of friends

Mishappening · 06/11/2017 18:19

The school at which I am governor has a Friendship Bench, where any child who is unhappy or feels alone in the playground can sit, and it is a school rule that another child seeing them there must go to their aid - if the on-duty staff member sees a child there not receiving help, then they will intervene.

GreenTulips · 06/11/2017 18:21

You cannot force children to like one another

Whilst true, you have to teach them to be kind, you don't have to like everyone, but they do need to be kind

This child is purposely asking others to exclude this child and watching her to make sure she doesn't make friends - that is bullying

Needsomezzzz · 06/11/2017 18:29

Def need to take this further, quite possibly you may not be the only parent feeling like this.

Write two letters, the first getting everything down, all the emotions, everything - this is just for you, get it out of your system. Then write the next letter in clear bullet points and send this to the HT and School Gov

Love the bench policy!

diddl · 06/11/2017 18:37

Yes, you can't make all kids like each otner.. If the other girl doesn't want to play with Op's daughter then that's OK isn't it?

Why are the others staying with her and also not playing with Op's daughter?

Presumably if they all went to play with Op's daughter and left the first girl alone then that would be wrong?

It seems to be a fine line between excluding & being forced to include!

bruffin · 06/11/2017 19:03

There was a girl like that in dds class. She was a newcomer but was soon manipulating dds friendship group and excluding dd.
Diddl
Dd didnt want to exclude the other girl, she just wanted to play with her friends who were too scared to play with dd in case they got excluded. Her teacher took it seriously and sorted it out.
As it wad they went on to be joined at the hip a few years later, then went seperate ways when they went to secondary.

BewareOfDragons · 06/11/2017 19:31

You have some very good advice on here. Everything needs to be in writing from here on out, including recaps of conversations you have with the teacher or head teacher. You need a paper trail that they can't hide from Ofsted, which is probably all the HT is worried about.

HollowCity · 06/11/2017 19:31

Look for another school. This place sounds poisonous. Bullying policy should be on website. Contact governors if you think it'll help but depends on how far up the HT 's arse they are. Some are fab, but some are just arse-licking pussies who are in it for their own means. I'd look for another school.

Softkitty2 · 06/11/2017 19:39

If you don't get anywhere with the school.. And this behaviour continues from the other girl. Move your daughter.

Chocolatecake12 · 06/11/2017 19:40

Op if you feel able pleased do keep us updated.
You have had fantastic advice on here. Reading threads like this makes me so glad mumsnet exists.

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 20:59

I will do chocolate I've sent the email, so I will await to see the response tomorrow.

Thankyou so much to everyone that took the time to respond and give me good advice. My heart feels heavy but it feels good getting it off my chest

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 06/11/2017 21:07

I’m glad it’s helped, OP. Hope you get a positive response to your email. At the very least the school should have an anti bullying policy on its website. Flowers

Puppymouse · 06/11/2017 21:54

Ohhh OP I am welling up reading these updates. My DD will be going into reception next Sept and I would be just as emotional as you. I think you have to fight your DD’s corner here. I don’t know much about the complaint options myself but I hope so much you can help. Kids can be so fucking cruel 😓