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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD in this school situation

350 replies

Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 13:23

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 14:37

Thanks all, I've checked the school website and there is no bullying policy on there so I will ask for a copy of this when I go in.

I will be leaving shortly as it's a 20 min drive and I want to get there early to prepare myself.

I feel so emotional about it all, I just hope I don't cry. Thanks for all the great suggestions, I've made a few notes

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 06/11/2017 14:38

Firstly your DD has already been punished in school.

I would chat to your DD..By the sounds of it she is in reception. My son followed around a boy in reception that didn't want to play with him so encouraged to play with other children.

Your DD must be told she needs to tell a dinner lady or teacher because you really can't sort it out from a distance..

I would ask the school what they will be doing to resolve the situation..If nothing then I would seriously consider moving her.

I also will add I have cried to the head..She didn't look in anyway shocked.She simply did her best to resolve my issue there and then.

ElsieMc · 06/11/2017 14:39

Sorry to hear this op, girls can be so cruel. Your dd has reached the end of her tether and the school have failed to deal with the bullying properly. They have to accept blame for letting your dd down. The only thing I would caution against is speaking to the Head before speaking to your dd to find out exactly what has happened. There is nothing worse than walking away from a meeting for a child to pipe up "but she hit me first...".

My gs2 had a detention recently because the class "monitors" ie three girls had said a number of boys had jumped on the tables, gs being one of them. He insisted he had not and I had a phone call from head of year saying she had three written statements against him from the girls. I told her (and I get on with her) that it sounded like a police interview under caution!

I told her they had obviously got together and she agreed to speak to them with my gs there. Two of the three admitted that they had made it up at the behest of girl no. 3. Teacher fuming and they could not seem to understand that they had lied in writing. Go with your gut on this one op. Teacher in this case looked foolish with her written statements, but she was prepared to listen to her credit.

I hope this works out for you but honestly, you may have to consider moving your dd. I would have a look at other schools tbh and keep your options open. Its really not fair on your dd and the school seems weak at best.

disahsterdahling · 06/11/2017 14:41

I would not punish for this. She's got to the end of her tether. And violence is wrong, but is often the culmination of a long period of abuse.

I certainly would not minimise the hitting to the school, but I would expect them to deal with this girls' bullying.

And ask THEM what THEY Are going to do about it - in eduspeak, what strategies do they intend to put in place. It is happening in school on their watch and they are the professionals.

My son had something similar happen. He was excluded for a day (secondary school) but then the HT finally twigged what was going on and sorted it. We've had no problems since and that was 3 years ago.

If you think you might cry, can you send DD's dad into see the HT instead? Or take a friend to take notes of the meeting? Taking someone independent to take notes shows the head you mean business.

FannyFifer · 06/11/2017 14:41

I would not punish my daughter, she has been bullied & spat at, I would ask her what happened before she hit the other girl, she was possibly defending herself.

Gemini69 · 06/11/2017 14:42

School are very adept at keeping Bullying Policy out of easy reach... Flowers

I'll be amazed if you manage to get your hands on it OP... the traditional response is.. we will forward you a copy Flowers

diddl · 06/11/2017 14:42

"they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with. "

What is she supposed to do?

littlebird7 · 06/11/2017 14:42

Good luck, I hope/would want to see that they can come up with a productive plan for your dd and she will soon be much happier at school. Remember everything passes in the end, even the worst days. Be happy you are there for her fighting her corner and are clearly a great mum! She has you, and you can do this!

disahsterdahling · 06/11/2017 14:43

Oh yes, we had the made-up written statements too!

MaverickSnoopy · 06/11/2017 14:48

A very quick post as I'm walking out the door to do the school run and I haven't read all the replies but I wanted to add to this because I have been there. In fact I was not your DDS shoes when I was 12. A girl pushed me so far and one day I couldn't take it anymore and hit her. It happened outside of school and I can't remember much of what happened but I remember my mum giving me a big cuddle. She knew I was not the hitting type and it was a direct result of the bullying. About a year later I moved schools due to more bullying and my life was better. Much.

Definitely ask for the anti bullying policy and give your daughter a bit cuddle. Hitting is wrong and no doubt you will tell her that, but if she's anything like me, she's feeling pretty low right now.

Mittens1969 · 06/11/2017 14:48

I’m so sorry, OP, this must be very upsetting. I do know what it feels like when your DC is being excluded in the playground. My DD1 (now 8) used to tell me that she played with her ‘invisible fairies’ when no one would play with her. Thankfully, there wasn’t one specific child bullying her, though.

I definitely don’t think your DD should be punished; she was obviously pushed over the edge by this girl and lashed out. Too often it’s the victim who gets punished because they stood up for themselves.

Our school has a ‘buddy’ system; my DD1 has now been told to speak to a teacher if she has no one to play with and they will ask for volunteers to play with her. It seems to be working.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 06/11/2017 14:49

I wouldn't be punishing my Dd at all if this happened, sounds like she has reached the end of her tether and blew. Poor kid.
I would tell her well done for protecting yourself. Then ask her what happened to make her hit the girl.
Much as others on here don't like it. I taught all my kids that it was OK to hit someone back, they couldn't throw the first punch, they could hit once and to make it count. I would stand by them for this and not punish them.
Good luck Jungle, hope it goes well. If this doesn't resolve this, I would be moving schools.

AJPTaylor · 06/11/2017 14:53

This might sound dramatic but have you looked at other schools with spaces?
It is not something to do lightly but if there are then you have plan b.
Arrange a meeting with the head. Not a snatched 5 mins. Write out what you need to say. You will work out quickly whether this will get resolved or not. If not move her

Roundandroundtheapartment · 06/11/2017 14:55

Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said but hope they can see what your poor DD has been going through and that a
Resolution is reached Flowers

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/11/2017 14:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NoFucksImAQueen · 06/11/2017 15:01

I wouldn't punish her. She was pushed to this and school can thank themselves for letting it escalate this far. You need to go in and defend your DD because right now you are the only one in her corner. Giving her options of what to do when she's alone is not dealing with it, the school should be pulling the bully up not telling the victim how to cope!

LucyCY · 06/11/2017 15:06

I'd e-mail the HT (if they're "too busy" to talk to you and tell them that unless the situation is sorted immediately, you'll be taking this situation all the way. Tell the HT that you'll be contacting anyone and everyone (school governors, citizens advice etc) about the fact the that school have done nothing to support your daughter. I agree with some of the others - she obviously clumped her because she's had enough, poor kid. Tell the HT enough is enough. Good luck x

Ballsfffftpsss · 06/11/2017 15:07
Thanks

Awful but you will get through this.

I would tell the head teacher in no uncertain terms that you WIL NOT punish your daughter as she has been bullied by the other child and the school has so far failed to put an end to it.

If the HT is not helpful contact your governors. I would make a big fuss else they will walk over you and your family.

If this fails, change the school.

Spitting is despicable and extremely unusual. I have never heard of any child spitting and have been around a few. Could be SN or some challenging circumstances in the other girl's family but your duty is to your daughter not the other child.

Am angry on your behalf.

Lovemusic33 · 06/11/2017 15:14

Good luck OP.

I have had many issues over the years with dd being bullied. It got to the point where school were doing nothing and I was tempted to tell dd to defend herself even if that meant pushing a child away. Dd would never hit. It got to the point where one of the girls accused dd of biting her, dd would never bite as she has massive sensory issues and hates any kind of contact with another human being. Eventually the girl admitted that she had lied to get dd into trouble.

SatansLittleHelper2 · 06/11/2017 15:18

It's time to change schools......it just isnt fair sending your dd in to deal with this each day.

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 16:10

Ok so here is what happened.

DH left work early to come with me. DD let out of school and we spoke to her before approaching the teacher. DD said they were queuing for lunch and she was stood with another girl, this girl came over and pushed infront of DD and started talking to the other girl effectively excluding my DD. My DD then hit her, she said she was jealous and angry.

As we were talking to DD the HT came over with this stupid half sympathetic look on her face and said are you waiting to speak to the teacher, we said yes, teacher then called us into the classroom.

Teacher in all fairness listened to what I had to say and to my points, acknowledged it was completely out of character for DD. HT then walked in, sat down (without hearing all what I had said before) and said "we have no problems with how the girls are playing and if we did we would tell you" and I then said there's clearly an issue and she interrupted saying "I'm sorry we are going to end this because we have a staff meeting" I'm ashamed to say I just got up and walked out. I was so angry I was shaking.

We then walked back to the car and realised that DD had wet herself whilst the meeting was going on.

Your advice on what to do now would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 16:11

Just for clarification my DD is in reception. The HT said it's rare for bullying to occur in reception when I asked for the bullying policy.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/11/2017 16:18

Formal complaint now I think if you've been brushed off by the head.

WhoWants2Know · 06/11/2017 16:21

Your poor kid. Of course if she doesn’t feel that anyone is listening, she’ll take matters into her own hands.

Fraying · 06/11/2017 16:23

Your poor DD Sad
Formal request in writing asking for the bullying policy and the complaints procedure. Stipulate that you expect a response and copies of both by close of school tomorrow. Add that you are disappointed you were not able to have a full meeting today because she had scheduled a staff meeting.