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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD in this school situation

350 replies

Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 13:23

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened Sad

OP posts:
MissEliza · 09/11/2017 09:56

Op you said that your dd still wants to be friends. My advice to you is to tell your dd to stay away from this girl for the foreseeable future. There’s a definite risk of another incident which could be twisted by the other girl or her mum. I’m telling you this as a mum of 3 and someone with many years of experience working in schools. Some children should just stay away from each other.
Anyway glad you’re feeling more relaxed. I love the lioness reference too! I’ve been known to unleash my inner lioness on occasion!

Gemini69 · 09/11/2017 10:02

well done Mum Flowers

bruffin · 09/11/2017 10:16

Unfortunately the advise to stay away, doesnt actually solve one of the main problems which is this girl monopolising OP's dd friends. Has the school said what they are going to do about that?

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 09/11/2017 10:26

The HT asked me if I would prefer it if the girls were not friends and kept apart - I said yes. She then asked me if there was ever a time when I thought that he girls would be able to be friends and I said that I think that would only happen when the other girl realises that her actions will have consequences.

I know it's frustrating that my DD still wants to be friends with her. I will have a word with her when she gets home and ask her to stay away from this girl. I didn't yesterday because I thought that this may be twisted by the other mum, but if that's the right thing to do then I will certainly do that when she comes home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Junglejupiter · 09/11/2017 10:28

diddl she did see me and when she walked back to the gate she had this bright and breezy "I don't give a fuck attitude" look on her face. She did make a swift exit though.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 09/11/2017 10:35

Feelings have clearly been running high, so I would definitely warn your DD to stay away from the other girl. At that age, children do accuse each other of pestering them, following them around and not allowing them to play with other children. The last thing you want is for more accusations to be thrown around.

MissEliza · 09/11/2017 10:37

Op it will be twisted by the other mum if you tell your dd to stay away from this girl - I’ve been in that situation. However I don’t think the school will care or consider it bullying from your dd. It will be obvious to everyone why you’ve said this.

diddl · 09/11/2017 10:38

Does your daughter want to be her friend as that is the only way of her being able to play with her other friends?

It's just heartbreaking, isn't it?

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 09/11/2017 10:40

I feel so heartened by this thread. You are really amazing OP Flowers

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 09/11/2017 10:41

I have also been in talks with my DH about which schools to go and have a look at should it get to that point.

I would say to look at schools now (unless you saw them recently when choosing this school). If and when the time comes and you need to move her (and you will know if it does) then you don't always have the luxury of time to decide. For us it was really helpful having seen the school we eventually moved to a few years earlier as we knew that we could see her in that school. We managed to get in with her to look around and got our form in as soon as we could and fortunately as at the time there was no waiting list she was at the top even though we don't live nearby. I wouldn't take her or even mention it to her but if you have a list of yes would move there and no wouldn't move there it will really help if you ever need to.

The key though is the Senior management team response and it seems as if they are beginning to get their response right so hopefully they will sort the issues out and you will never need to move her.

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 09/11/2017 11:05

diddl I think you've hit the nail on the head there

OP posts:
Original poster
Junglejupiter · 09/11/2017 11:12

On an additional note - can anyone recommend any age appropiate books for a 4 year old that deal with the issue of bullying and similar? My DD loves books and I think this might be a good way of getting through to her about positive friendships

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 09/11/2017 11:19

This was happening to my daughter. My daughter snapped and hit someone in the face - this was after constant bullying. I was told that my daughter had 'behavioural issues'. Now she has never had behavioural issues. She came from another school and was always a happy wee soul with lots of friends. I took her out of the school, after a strong-worded email to the first school (cc in the local education authority). My daughter is finally happy and has never had an issue at her new school. Bullying can be endemic and if the teacher and especially the head are unwilling to tackle it, rout it out and destroy it then it breeds and you end up with a toxic environment. It can destroy children for years. I remember the school bullies and I am 44. Get your daughter out. But make sure to let the Head have a full in-writing account of your experiences. This was the education authority will read it also. I am sorry things are so bad. It is heartbreaking.

MissEliza · 09/11/2017 12:03

There was a good piece on This Morning about bullying about half an hour ago. It’s so frustrating that up and down the country such similar problems are happening yet schools don’t know how to deal with it. With all the focus on mental health in the young, surely we need a national strategy or set of guidelines on bullying?

Spadequeen · 16/11/2017 21:26

How’s your DD doing jungle?

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2017 01:20

Thinking of you OP.

Gemini69 · 17/11/2017 09:34

how is it all going OP... have things taken the route the school promised Flowers

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 17/11/2017 13:05

Hi All - thanks for thinking of us.

This week my DD got punched in the stomach by this girl. The school, to be fair to them, were amazing. Really praised my DD for telling them what happened and they promised me that the other mother was notified and that the situation was being dealt with.

The next day as we were walking to school, my DD was approached by this girl who gave her a note. I asked to read it when we got to the gates and it said "sorry". My DD as you can imagine was so pleased to receive this and we were back at square one where her and this girl ran off together.

I've since been told that the mother is posting all sorts of shit all over Facebook - saying things about "being kind always" and that "some people need a good shake and realise that there is worse that goes on in this world. #getoveryourself" Of course I've not responded.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 17/11/2017 13:09

this kids Mother sounds very antagonistic OP... how you have kept your restraint is a credit to you .. Flowers

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 17/11/2017 13:26

It gets to me Gemini. I just don't understand how a grown woman can be so cruel

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 17/11/2017 14:06

I will also add in there..Your DD wants to be friends with this girl as she knows if they are friends they are less likely to be hurt.. My son did this it has taking years to got give a dam what this boy thinks..Proud day when he reached that point.

Gemini69 · 17/11/2017 14:09

She sounds like she thrives on the drama.... and exhausting ... stay away from her and avoid confrontation as best you can ... Flowers

Biddie191 · 17/11/2017 14:19

I hope that you and DD get the help you deserve - I hate that so often teachers don't take any notice at all of emotional and psychological cruelty, which is what this is. It's far harder to get over than physical bullying as a rule, and can make you feel so down for such a long time. With the mental health issues even young children are suffering from these days, they need to take this sort of behaviour seriously. Sending best wishes for you both

Mittens1969 · 17/11/2017 14:37

I’m glad the school have handled the bullying well recently, junglejupiter. I agree that your DD wants to be this girl’s friend so she won’t get hurt; I’ve been there. Also, it matters so much to a child to feel that they belong.

Flowers for you and your DD

fuzzyfozzy · 17/11/2017 15:22

When you talk about playing with friends, talk about a friends always being nice, always being kind etc
As opposed to those who chop and change and don’t make you feel good.

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