To ask WWYD in this school situation

[Junglejupiter]

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened

I dropped out of A levels and have struggled with my self esteem and been in bullying abusive relationships. It does not stop at the school gates: some teasing is character building but bullying on this scale is soul destroying and takes years of therapy and building back up to get over (if you ever do)

The HT attitude stinks and you need to find a better setting for her before she starts to believe the lies these children are perpetuating about her being an outcast.

My heart ❣ goes out to you and your DD completely.
It’s really shitty and I hope she finds some happiness 😊

Op, deep breath these things are really upsetting, but you need to have clarity for later and be clear in your mind what you are going to do.

You haven't long to wait, so I would hear the teacher out, talk to your dd later tonight and then book an app with the head.

Why is your dd following them around if they are saying they don't want to play with her? Is there no one else she can play with? I just wonder whether it is being perceived as pestering?

Particularly if you are not on speaking terms with the girl's mother maybe she has asked her dd not to play with yours?

You can't carry on like this, so you have a few options to consider:

You can develop other friendships with other girls in the year and avoid this child and the group altogether.

You can move her out of the school if you feel there is no other option to a bigger school with larger year groups and more girls to play with.

Ask the teachers to assist you in helping your dd make new friends. Ask for a mentor at school so she has someone to turn to.

I am so sorry she is lonely at school, hideous for her and for you

Make sure you print of the schools anti bullying policy when you go in so you've got it if you need it. Exclusion will probably be on there as a form of bullying.
For what it's worth I think the bully will probably do a u turn on her behaviour now she sees your dd is no longer a pushover.
And don't be bullied by the mother. She sounds as bad as the daughter tbh. Best of luck.

I've been in this situation. What we did was:

1. get DC to apologise because regardless of what went before, they shouldn't have hit another child.
2. make it clear to the HT that whilst we were disappointed in our DC, we weren't surprised that there had been an incident because the school had not addressed the ongoing bullying.
3. send an email outlining the earlier issues we had raised and when we had raised them.
4. in the email, we asked for an action plan in writing from the school as to how they were going to address the ongoing bullying.
5. ask for a copy of the school bullying policy How old are they? If they're still little then ask for teacher or TA-led games in the playground to ensure everyone is encouraged to play together and that the games are supervised.

I ended up moving schools with my dd because of this I had nothing but trouble from one girl dd did something back they threatened me with the police I pulled her out for a chat that day and looked for another school immediately (dd sent her a childish message off someone's phone that they dictated to her but she was punished because she sent it) the golden girl had sympathy due to family circumstances she lived with her bio family who worked was well off relative to us who were step dad and mum pregnant with number 3 working poor I often wonder if her perceived difficulties were because she had no excuses for anything

I wouldn't punish her if it was my DD, she's stood up for herself and it sounds like she is at the end of her tether.

My DD was punched in the face by another child and hit them back to stop them in their tracks so she could run away. I didn't tell her off for it but I did see the HT.

My friend's kid went through this same situation (friend from pre-school turned against her and bullied her when they went to school). The school should have a bullying policy in place, and should have been putting that into action since you raised the issue, so I would ask what they've done already and what they plan to do, and get a clear action plan with dates. If they don't do that, or if they treat what happened today as an isolated incident for which your daughter is to blame, I would look for a new school.

Oh, OP of course you're upset - any decent parent would be heartbroken if their child came home upset, let alone when it kept happening on a daily basis.

And if you cry, cry! Headteachers have seen it all before, I really wouldn't worry about looking silly. You need to stay firm, though, and get this resolved for DD's sake.

I also wouldn't necessarily punish for the hitting. I would explain it was wrong, but if someone has been pushed to their limit, sometimes they just lash out. I think spitting is just as bad as hitting as well.

Excellent suggestion from fraying about ta led games in the playground. That should be a reasonable and manageable request in a small school.

I would be giving my chid a good pat on the back for finally standing up to the bully! She's probably had enough. The Head Teacher now needs to wake up and deal with what has been going on instead of sitting back and letting it take it's own cause of action.

My son was at school with his cousin who was a highly strung, over powering child. Must taller, bigger than my son who was laid back and didn't like drama.
He never left my son alone. Resting his elbow on his head to demonstrate how much taller he was, grabbing him and just generally in his face every day.
Eventually my son bit him, really hard. He just felt backed into a corner and overwhelmed.

I would find out what the situation was (probably DD was at the end of her tether) and remind the school that you'd already expressed your concerns.
The spitting incident was disgusting.
As PPs have said, bullying can have an effect on the rest of your life.
It annoys me even more that I expect her friends probably want her to play with them but don't know how to handle it either, so they are probably unhappy too.

much not must!

Make a short list of the main problems ready to discuss. My mind always goes blank in these situations. Explain that your dd has been suffering from some time and you are concerned.

You need a record of events
Action plan
Next meeting booked to discuss progress
A family plan on how to tackle this and how long you are prepared to wait for it to resolve
Lots of support outside and if possible inside school

I would tell my DD that hitting isn't an acceptable way to behave, but I would also say bravo for hitting the other girl. When I was younger, if I complained to my mum about someone hitting me, she used to tell me to hit them back - and we were a very mild-mannered family.

I'm guessing the OP's DD is around reception year/year 1, so it would need to be done in very simple terms. As for the OP, I'd suggest make a note now of what your DD has said to you and take these along with you to meet the head and be open and honest about the difficulties your DD is having.

You need to be much more assertive.
Your dd is being bullied, plain and simple.
The school did absolutely nothing about it which means that they are not meeting basic safeguarding levels.

Time to get though with the school.
Listen to what they have to say.
Ask what has happened BEFORE the hitting and what has the other girl done.
Remind them that you have raised the issue several times since the start of the start of the year and NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE so that your dd isn’t being excluded.
Be careful about the words. It’s not the other girl not being very nice. It’s her excluding herball the time so much so that your dd is on her own at each playtime. She has been spat on too. That is bullying that will not be solved by your dd ‘learning to go and play with other girls’.
Do name the behaviour as bullying. Do mention the effect on your dd and her MH. (I imagine she has become more anxious, isn’t happy to go to school etc...?). And ask what sort of safeguarding will be put in place to protect her.
Don’t argue that her behaviour was wrong (but please don’t punish her at home. She really doesn’t deserve to be punished because she is being bullied. She needs support and warmth from you) but do ask what are steps that will be implemented to protect your dd.
Take notes at the meeting.
Ask for dates re implementation and a follow up meeting to see how th8ngs are going.
Avoid the other mum!

I would insist that in future each time this girl hits/spits at your DD then her parents are phoned and she is punished in school for it!

Unfortunately schools generally seem to allow bullies to get away with it and anyone who is sticking up for themselves soon gets told off and punished. It sucks! Hope you and your DD are ok!

Your poor baby OP. I certainly wouldnt punish her. Let her know that hitting isnt the answer but that it's ok to stand up for herself.

I feel really sad for her. I was bullied for all of year 4 and my group of bullies also told the rest of the class not to play with me. It was horrendous. Please let your DD know it's not her fault (I'm sure you do) and I hope it gets resolved today

And if the school isn’t obtuse, which wouldn’t surprise me seeing the reaction of the HT when you went to see him as well as the reaction now, send her to another school.

But please do not brush that the carpet!

As other posters have said, insist on seeing the HT and make sure you've read the school's bullying policy (I'd also ask what action was taken after the spitting incident - the school said it was unacceptable and they would being keeping an eye on the situation, so how has that worked out?). If you don't get any satisfactory outcomes from the meeting, start the formal complaints procedure (it will be on the website) with a complaint of bullying.

If you complain elsewhere you'll be directed back to the complaints procedure - by following it, you will go back to the head, then will (if not fixed) escalate to the chair of Governors - then if still no joy to an external panel.

Look on the school website and download their bullying policy before you go in to school. If you cannot find it there, then ask them to show it to you when you get there.

It is very important indeed that this lass is not totally put off school as the law requires that she should be there (that's another discussion for another time) - the school must take action. Tell them you will put feedback on ParentView - that will ginger them up.

Ask to speak to the safeguarding lead at the school and indicate that the school is failing to safeguard your DD.

I have huge sympathy with teachers who are currently being asked to undertake an impossible task. But bullying is the bottom line for me.

Make a list of the points you want to make, and a list of all the incidents that you can remember, doesnt matter about dates at this stage, you just want to have it to hand. Ask your DC what happened (i think at this point we can assume she was pushed to breaking point)

Book a face to face conversation with the HT. When you go in, be calm and speak in a firm low toned voice. If she gets off topic, say “that is not the issue at hand”.

Don't be afraid to make your point and then pause and wait for her to reply first. She who pauses longest often wins the concession. If you need to illustrate your point that there have been a lot of incidents where you DC has been targetted, wave your piece of paper in the air, you dont need to let her read it, its for dramatic effect. If you get off topic yourself then just glance down at your list of points and re focus.

After the meeting, send her an email confirming what you discussed and any actions that were agreed upon.

the school is not protecting the best interests of your Child... the school has left your Child vulnerable and bullied due to their lack of proactive care.. due to this lack of care your Child out of desperation has resorted to defending herself and as such will not be apologising and will not be punished by yourself/mum .. the school might exclude her for a day or so.. but that's typical school policy... Protect your Child