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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask WWYD in this school situation

350 replies

Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 13:23

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened

OP posts:

Travis1 · 08/11/2017 10:06

Hope your meeting goes well x

QueenDaisy · 08/11/2017 10:10

Good luck today

spiderlight · 08/11/2017 10:27

Good luck today.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 08/11/2017 10:31

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 08/11/2017 10:33

Good luck Op! Let us know how you get on

BastardGoDarkly · 08/11/2017 10:58

Best of luck op

TheGhostOfBarryFairbrother · 08/11/2017 11:13

MissEliza · 08/11/2017 11:23

Op I doubt anyone thought the little girl was a victim because she didn’t want to be paired. She would look spoiled to most sensible people.

Sprogletsmuvva · 08/11/2017 11:30

I remember the scales falling from my eyes a bit (I was a few years older than your DD) when I told a grown-up and she blatantly preferred to believe my bully, giving me barely a hearing. Because I was the ugly, nerdy, badly-dressed one.

As in any other walk of life, schools will take the path of least resistance - whether that’s unconsciously through bias, or because the other parent threatens to make life difficult in some way.

If you end up changing schools, personally I’ d still be taking higher the response of this one. Partly because the individuals involved shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. But also because otherwise it means the school have learned nothing for next time - either if bullying girl finds a new victim or any other case.

Worriedobsessive · 08/11/2017 11:35

Gosh this makes painful reading. I don’t say this lightly, but I think you should remove your child. This won’t come good, they are long years at the School gate and if the head is a dick then it’s simply not worth fighting. By all means escalate and come down hard on them but for your child, find another placement or keep her at home till she’s 5. Poor little sausage.

notapizzaeater · 08/11/2017 11:42

Could you move schools ? Not perfect but sounds like it’s. a small clicky group and sometimes it’s just not worth the fight

Jerseysilkvelour · 08/11/2017 12:13

This is utterly heartbreaking to read.

You have so many issues to deal with - in no particular order -

DD's behaviour - personally I wouldn't punish but I would say to her that although I understand why she did it, let's not do it again....

HT's attitude. Oh dear. Definitely complain to the governors regardless of the outcome, you shouldn't have to be working so hard to get this addressed.

The Bully. Although you really can't do much about her.

Bully's mother - now there's an interesting one. I shall tell a story. Recently I had to go into school to sort out an issue - DD (age 5) had come home crying because another child had said something extremely nasty and derogatory to her about me, which her parents had said to her. There is more back story but I'll be identifiable if I say too much.... needless to say I went straight in to talk to the head, who was a-mazing and took steps immediately to sort it out, including speaking to the parents of the other child to tell them that was unacceptable. It turned out that the other kid's parents had actually been in to see her previously and attempted a smear campaign against me. Please consider that the other mother may very well have done this as well, especially as she does not seem interested in addressing her child's behaviour. She may well have told them your DD is the perpetrator.

Peregrina · 08/11/2017 12:29

I have been following this with interest as DS suffered something similar, although he was older. We eventually had no choice but to remove him and find another school, and again we wished we had done that much sooner. However, once we had made the move, other parents started to take their children away too. The school later had a poor OFSTED inspection, one of the problems being lack of addressing bullying. (We were a bit sad about how the school had gone downhill because it had been good when we initially sent DD there, but staff turnover and schools change.)

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 08/11/2017 12:31

How did the meeting go OP?

flumpybear · 08/11/2017 13:09

Bump

Mittens1969 · 08/11/2017 13:21

Hope the meeting went well, OP, thinking of you and your DD. I’m glad you had your DH with you, my DH is better at being assertive at meetings with the school than I am so it would really help me not to be in there on my own.

Original poster

Junglejupiter · 08/11/2017 14:18

Hi all. So I went to the meeting with my DH. The meeting started out quite badly, HT gave a huge speech about how they don't see a problem, they see that DD is happy and doing well. She said her fears are that it's not an issue between the girls but between the parents.

I let her say her piece and then I reeled off my list of bullet points, questions etc. By the time I finished she was shaking and said "ok you have my attention now"

I did cry, DH had to take over for abit whilst I composed myself.

She has admitted that there is a problem that they were unaware of because my DD doesn't tell them what's going on. She said compiled an action plan of what was going to be done next to combat this. I am to email her every time there is an incident so that there is a log.

Regarding the adults, she suggested I contact the police as she doesn't condone bullying in adults. I said I wasn't going to do this as my focus was my DD, not me.

We were in there for nearly two hours, I made sure I got everything off my chest. Finally before we left, I did say that if I was unsatisfied that the situation was being dealt with then I would be pulling my DD out of the school.

I got in the car and sobbed like a baby on my DH shoulder. I felt abit of relief once I had let it all out

OP posts:

Nothingrhymeswithfamily · 08/11/2017 14:25

Well done jungle well done.
It sounds like you handled it spot on, well done with your bullet points and letting her say her bit. It sounds like she's heard bits through the grapevine but not the whole story.
The action plan sounds good. Are you feeling more confident?
Im also pleased she suggested the police to you, it also shows that she really did listen. She would be aware of the parent playground issues this could cause but didn't want you to hush it up.
I can see why thats a route you wouldnt want to use unless you had to though

BastardGoDarkly · 08/11/2017 14:31

Oh, bloody well done Jungle I know that must have been hard, but you did it.

Hullygully · 08/11/2017 14:46

Well done! I really hope she follows through. My worry is the other mother however and what she'll do.

Atenco · 08/11/2017 14:48

Oh well done, OP.

TieGrr · 08/11/2017 14:55

Sounds like she had been listening to the other mother and had painted you and her as one and the same. She's now realised the problem is actually with the daughters.

Well done, OP.

Mittens1969 · 08/11/2017 14:59

Well done, OP, that must have been so hard. I’m glad the HT finally listened, hope she follows through.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 08/11/2017 15:02

The head is spineless.

There is nothing she can do about the other mum?

Actually there is. She can pull her in and say she has been advised that she called the other child a dog. And tell her that whilst she wouldn't normally get too involved between parent but was concerned about this. That she hopes it's not true and remind her of expectations.

A nice friendly reminder of what conduct is expected in the playground between adults and how we can't control who our children play with.

FireCracker2 · 08/11/2017 15:02

Well lets hope they follow through on it.Talk is cheap

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