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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD in this school situation

350 replies

Junglejupiter · 06/11/2017 13:23

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened Sad

OP posts:
FireCracker2 · 07/11/2017 21:31

Oh FGS the police? On what grounds?

Doomhutch · 07/11/2017 21:35

We had the police at my old school when a parent used 'abusive language' at another child outside the school gates. It was taken very seriously.

FireCracker2 · 07/11/2017 21:49

What had that got to do with the situation here? Totally different!

flumpybear · 07/11/2017 22:08

This other child sounds like a bully and possible hit out today because her mum told her too- the mum sounds like a bully too

Don’t let the school railroad you because you’re not that bullish type personality but also don’t gay upset, give all the facts and particularly what happened today - I’d put money on it being the mum telling her daughter to hit your daughter

Good luck, be strong, quote bully policy and you’ve tried to let them know which they ignored and now it’s escalated because of them not safeguarding your child

FireCracker2 · 07/11/2017 22:15

The other child is a tot of 4 too remember! They are all still Learning

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 08/11/2017 07:03

Wish me luck today. I've hardly slept all night, I'm so tired. DH is coming with me and I've obtained the transfer record from the nursery which states what kind of girl my DD is and it mentions on there in the notes section about several incidents where my DD had been hurt by another child and not come forward or spoken to an adult, which was concerning to the nursery and should be monitored by the school. Hopefully it's useful

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 08/11/2017 07:07

Good luck today. Your daughter is not trapped here - remember if they cannot respond appropriately you will remove her Flowers

Gemini69 · 08/11/2017 07:09

Good luck with the school today Flowers

Easilyflattered · 08/11/2017 07:15

If you don't send your DD to school as an unauthorised absence, and you have written a letter of complaint which is also unresolved, then the local attendance officers will start to lean on the school too.

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 08/11/2017 07:17

I'm not a confident person and I hate confrontation but I've got to do this for my DD

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 08/11/2017 07:17

Good luck Flowers

Some friendly advice (from being here myself) is to concentrate on what school will put in place to support your DD rather than defending the type of person your DD is or her innocence.

(We know she doesn't deserve this and we know she snapped but it then becomes about the school trying to get you to understand why your DD actions were wrong iyswim?)

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 08/11/2017 07:25

Hi OP not much advise but didn’t want to read and run. Good luck! I was bullied at school by a girl like this, very manipulative. She flipped the situation and accused my friend and I of bullying her (or her Mum, head of the PTA, did anyway) the situation was not handeled by the school correctly and this went on throughout all years at jr school. The situation came to a head when my friend being held up against the wall by the MOTHER by her throat in yr 6 before the school actually did anything to help us.

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 08/11/2017 07:25

Thanks kidding I understand. I'm just trying to get them to see that they've been negligent of my DD because they knew from the start that there were problems and I've got it in black and white.

OP posts:
FireCracker2 · 08/11/2017 07:27

I agree with the above poster.the meeting needs to be about looking forward not looking back.

FireCracker2 · 08/11/2017 07:31

They are not going to admit they have been negligent op.I really would not go there, you want them onside to make the best arrangements to support your DC going forward.

Hotpinkangel19 · 08/11/2017 07:35

Good luck for today OP x

Dsmummy · 08/11/2017 07:41

AngryAngryI am absolutely fuming for you and your DD after reading this. I really hope today goes well, stick to your guns. Good luck and hugs to your DD X

Somersetlady · 08/11/2017 08:00

Best of luck. Make sure you reference your own dayghter being hit and not reporting it - also the other child witnessed it. Early in the conversation.

In the same way you know it's unacceptable for your own daughter to strike out it is equally inappropriate for her to be struck.

IloveJudgeJudy · 08/11/2017 08:18

Don’t forget that the other girl’s mother has no right to know what punishment your DD receives; the school should only tell her what they’re doing to mitigate things.

Hullygully · 08/11/2017 08:20

I wish you strength and luck, but if I were you I'd move schools, this girl and her mother aren't going anywhere. In my very very long experience, it's always the bullied that get driven out in the end. Do it as a positive choice rather than a miserable last resort. You will all be so much happier.

carefreeeee · 08/11/2017 08:33

Head teacher sounds useless.

I think you need to change schools. This can't be resolved unless the head sorts it out. It isn't going away of its own accord because of the parents of the other girl are probably causing most of it

ohfourfoxache · 08/11/2017 09:05

The school sounds absolutely fucking useless Angry

I really hope today goes as well as it can Thanks

Original poster
Junglejupiter · 08/11/2017 09:39

I'm just sat waiting for the meeting. We had a session this morning where we could go in to observe the children reading, and I did notice that the my DD and this other girl were over opposite sides of the room to each other. When the teacher asked them to get into pairs, my DD was paired with person sat next to her and the other girl started crying as she was sat next to a boy and didn't want to be paired with him. The mother could then be heard tutting and whispering to the women next to her. It's things like this which really don't help my case because the other girl is seen as a victim.

OP posts:
TieGrr · 08/11/2017 09:46

Best of luck, OP. You're doing this for your daughter so forget how much you hate confrontation and do what you have to Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 08/11/2017 09:59

As a teacher the crying you"ve decscribed would be seen right through as manipulation by most teachers. She is probably given in to by mum at home when she cries as she thinks if she cries at school she will get what she wants (in this case not to sit with the boy)

Hope your meeting goes well OP. I just gound this thread and am horrified by how you and your DD have been treated. I also agree you need to contact the governors
I would agree with others about considering changing your daughter's school if things dont improve.