AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

[StepAwayFromGoogle]

I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

tbh we never made a list of who got us what so I have no idea.

You are making your life much harder when you write your thank you cards if you don't know what you are thanking people for!

God MN gets it’s knickers in such a twist over this! It’s bizarre. Money as a wedding gift is TOTALLY normal.

Poems - naff as fuck
No kids - seperate issue
Honeymoon donation - as long as it's phrased in context of "please don't feel you need to get us a gift but xxx would be appreciated" I like it. I like to get my friends things they actually want.

Quite a few have had a website set up so you can buy a "thing" for their honeymoon e.g. Boat trip, meal etc. While I assume it just goes into one pot all of these friends have sent lovely thank you cards with detail of the thing we bought - "thanks so much for coming and for the gift.. here's a photo of us abseiling/water-skiing/the view from our lovely candlelit dinner" etc. I think it's really nice.

I really dislike the two tier wedding guest system - if your venue cannot accommodate everyone you wish to invite, then choose a different venue!

I think it is rude to ask for gifts (specified or otherwise) from people you didn't consider important enough to invite to the whole wedding. With all day guests, it is nice to observe the social niceties of not sending out a wedding list at the same time as the invitation, waiting until a list is requested and only then should you tell guests that you would appreciate a contribution towards a specific item. Good manners dictate that you stress to guests that this is entirely upto them and in no way expected.
We all know that this is a dance - it's the cultural norm that people always buy presents for weddings, but manners make social obligations nicer and remove resentment!

I can't help it but I do feel a bit resentful at paying for the honeymoons of people who have way more money than me. I do think that we should remember that presents at weddings started because it was meant to help set up the couple's home - if you have everything then imo politeness should mean that you don't ask for more. It's a bit grabby.

We're putting "no presents please" (worded more politely ) on our invitations. And our parents and the close friends we've discussed this with are openly and markedly displeased.
Example no 46534 of "you may as well have your wedding exactly as you want it, because you'll please no other fucker".

I get married next week. We’re having no kids but have asked for no money or presents. We just want people to come and have a good time. We’d rather they used our wedding money towards something else

Doobigetta the problem is that people will still have a budget in mind, and will desperately rack their brain on how best to spend the £20 or £50 or £100 they feel they have to give you. If you receive a £100 bottle of bubbly, or an expensive bunch of flowers or a silver photo frame but you don't like them, it's a bit of a waste.

I think what this thread proves is you should just do whatever you want! Someone will be pissed off whatever you do!

You are just making life harder for your guests by giving yourself airs.

I agree with this. I find it really irritating when there is no mention of what gift the couple would like.

As for this invitation OP, no kids is completely fine, I would be happy to contribute to a honeymoon fund and I don’t really have an issue with separate evening guests (for work colleagues, parents’ friends etc)

The poem is shite though, and I don’t think any mention of gifts should be made to evening guests.

Recently DH had a mature family member getting married for the second time. This family member and new spouse have extremely high paid jobs, far more than most of the family members. Yet they still asked for John Lewis vouchers on the invite. We didn't agree with the outright asking but still gave.

If you accept the invitation I think you should give, as rude as it is for them to ask.

Genuine question but if you do put "no gifts please" or similar do you genuinely expect to receive no gifts?

I really dislike the two tier wedding guest system - if your venue cannot accommodate everyone you wish to invite, then choose a different venue!

My friend got married last week. She picked a hotel to get married and I know she was struggling to afford it, they took out a bank loan each.

She had 150 to day and the same to the night.

Only 40 showed for the day, despite expecting 100. She was quite upset as she could have gone for the registry office where their largest room held 40 and it would have been affordable but some friends of the family were complaining, like you, that it was the "height of bad manners" to not invite them to both. So under pressure they picked a hotel that could have the same number of guests. Those that complained were amongst the rude guests who replied as coming but didn't show up to the day. She got married late afternoon to accommodate those who were working and apparently their day ran away with them and they got there as soon as they could.

We had 25 to our day. We could afford that. And indeed 6 family members failed to show to that as they "forgot" came to the reception, filled Tupperware boxes with buffet food and left after our first dance. They also gave us a pack of 4 Bacardi breezers as a gift.

Absolutely no way would I have been prepared to plunge us into debt to accommodate 150 people to a wedding ceremony that may not all turn up.

We got married at 5pm then everyone was at our reception venue for 6 pm where we met them and everyone was fed with a hot buffet, hog roast, free ale (we had a wedding ale made especially by a local brewer) and not one person was offended.

I see the wedding gift the same way as a birthday gift when we are invited to a party, the financial situation of the host is irrelevant, you give something just the same.

Emily I can't stand the evening guests concept, but no one is expected to go into debt for a wedding. You invite only as many as you can afford, nothing wrong with that. I have never heard of a wedding with more than a couple (litterally) of no-show for very genuine reasons. Your poor friend, her guests are beyond bad-mannered!

The problem is people generally want to buy gifts and to my mind it's a waste of their time and money if it's stuff you've already got or don't want. Gifts should never be compulsory however.

DH and I signed up to a website (I forget what it was called!) where you can itemise different things you want to do on your honeymoon and people can 'buy' those. After the event we sent them a thankyou card with a picture of us doing the thing they bought. We had little things on there like admission to an attraction, cocktails, dinner at a restaurant, ice creams on the beach.... the website people sent us little cards to put in invitations that said something to the effect of 'we don't expect presents but if you feel you must then we'd appreciate you checking this out.' All our guests loved it.

We didn't put anything on and if people asked said we didn't want or need a present but that Thomas cook vouchers would be lovely as we were saving for a honeymoon. Word of mouth from our parents. We got 1300 pounds worth of vouchers, had a lush all inclusive Greek honeymoon and then 9 months later welcomed our first child...

I find the poems a bit tacky but I like the sentiment... makes sense in this day and age

It's a few hundred quid to use the standard room at the register office here, which will just about hold our family, vs a couple of grand to have a ceremony at an approved venue.

Too right we'll be having evening guests, as the alternative would be to not invite any friends. Or to not have a wedding at all. Thankfully most people are happy that a couple are getting married and are pleased to celebrate with them, even if they miss the legal bit.

Emily I feel sad for your friend that she knows so many rude, horrible people. I don't think that's the norm though.

‘No children’ is up to them, but the quid pro quo is if they’re expecting guests to pay for a babysitter, they can’t expect them to make a financial contribution (whether towards a honeymoon or anything else) as well.

On reflection, the honeymoon thing is a bit much. The rationale for not buying material things nowadays is that the couple will already bring a lot of ‘stuff ‘ to the marriage. But likewise, the average person getting married in their late 20s/30s will probably already have done quite a bit of traveling (and will continue to until they have children). It’s no longer a special thing that needs other people to pay for it.

(My parents ‘ honeymoon was camping in Wales. Something tells me that might have been self-funded .)

Pmsl at two year wedding guests. Perfectly normal. Money for gifts. Also normal. A bottle of champagne in lieu of money is ridiculous. It wouldn't be drunk in this house. Complete waste of your money. This problem only exists in mumsnet. Not in the real world!

I wouldn't go to a wedding (or an evening reception) without a gift and I'm happy to be told what to get tbh.
If you feel put out that your children aren't invited then just politely decline, but in some ways I'd think it's easier to attend the evening than the whole day re: childcare.

My sons getting married in 2 weeks.

They have a poem on the invite and asked for contributions to their honeymoon instead of gifts.

We're so damned bad.

It makes no sense at all to me that people get irate contributing to a honeymoon fund, it is expected that you bring gift to a wedding, why not go with something the couple wants. I cannot see why a gravy boat used once a year at Christmas is a morally superior gift to an amazing holiday and will be remembered for ever.

Poems are awful and just an attempt as saying we are not grasping and greedy just cute. They fail miserably.

I don't gift cash, it's equivalent to an entry fee. If they want a honeymoon or large wedding then they need to save not recoup it all from guests.

What do these 'pay for our honeymoon' people do if they don't get the swag they want/need to go? No go?

yellow do you not bring a gift, or do you bring a gift that you got for free? If you pay for a gift why would you gift something they don't want rather than what they do?

I have to agree poems are naff, I would. prefer a simple written request.