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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

314 replies

StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/11/2017 12:39

I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

OP posts:
isitme88 · 04/11/2017 13:38

I think you win as the best bride of 2019 then op. Why does it even matter. I always think these threads are ridiculous. If you are that annoyed about your FRIENDS or FAMILY asking for something they want then maybe you shouldn’t go to the wedding.
When I got married I didn’t put anything about a gift. Most people have cash anyway and a few gifts. Loved it all. When I go to weddings I get a few glasses wine and a meal paid for. Plus a chance to see friends and family.

Teapot13 · 04/11/2017 13:45

I find it unspeakably rude. That being said, I can't really justify why it's any more horrible than a wedding list.

It has nothing to do with whether it's ok to give cash. It's fine to give cash. It's not fine to solicit cash in the actual wedding invitation. I think a happy medium would be to not do a wedding list, and then people just give cash.

The poems are bad but a couple I know put "For those of you who wish to honor our marriage with a gift. . ." give us money for honeymoon. Lipstick on a pig.

EmilyChambers79 · 04/11/2017 13:45

Not sure if it’s just me but I find evening only invites just a bit rude

Ours was an issue with numbers though. Surely you can't get the hump over that?!

We could only have 25 to the day compared to 150 for the evening. Are you suggesting that we should have only had the same 25 to the evening so as not to upset evening only guests?!

Rebeccaslicker · 04/11/2017 13:50

I've been to a couple of Greek weddings where the couple did the money dance. The last one was super fancy and the bride and groom were literally covered in £50 notes by the end of the dance!

Bitchywaitress · 04/11/2017 13:59

By the way it is just as rude more actually to put 'no gifts' on your invitations.

I would be much more offended by this than a naff poem any day!

dunraven · 04/11/2017 14:00

I would just give what I would have spent on a wedding present anyway so it doesn't bother me. Surely, it's rude not to give a present when you attend a major celebration like a wedding. I never understand when people complain about buying a £30 gift off the wedding list but probably spent far more than that on their outfits, hair, etc. Even if we attended an evening only invite, if I intended to take a bottle of champagne, it's no skin off my nose to substitute it with some cash.

pinkblink · 04/11/2017 14:02

I don't mind it, I'd rather put something towards a holiday they will enjoy than buy them something that will sit in the back of a cupboard for all eternity

Alittlepotofrosie · 04/11/2017 14:05

We asked for money for our honeymoon and we will remember it for the rest of our lives. Much more useful to us than a toaster! I don't think anyone begrudged it? Some people didn't give a gift at all but that's fine, horses for courses. If nobody had given us a gift then we would have paid for the honeymoon ourselves but it wouldn't have been anywhere near as good a trip as the one we had.

stitchglitched · 04/11/2017 14:06

I find being asked for money a bit uncomfortable. If you are on a tight budget you might be able to find a bargain that looks more pricey than it was, or pick something up in the sale. Requests for cash don't allow for that, you can't 'hide' what you've really spent and I've known people feel obliged to hand over more money than they can afford because they don't want to look tight.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2017 14:10

So evening do and give them money? Nah. YANBU. I decline these types of invitations.

'That's decided then. I won't be hmm about it, we'll just give them a bit of money. And DEF going to avoid a poem in our invites! Thanks, MN'

Why? They're tacky to ask for cash for an evening do. Why not just charge admission? It's more honest.

Someone always comes out with 'But at Greek/Italian/etc weddings they give money'. A) They don't ask for it, it's just understood B) have yet to hear of a Greek/Italian/Latino wedding that has a two-tiered invitation system, with some invited only to evening, or wacky dress codes (or dress codes of any type) or no children at all, etc etc.

coddiwomple · 04/11/2017 14:11

I hate the poems, but I am always grateful for bride and groom to tell us what they want! You know guests will buy a gift, it's much more pleasant to contribute towards something (honeymoon, sofa, car, china) and follow the gift list, whatever it is.

If the couple already has everything, or prefer to enjoy the honeymoon of a lifetime and stick to Ikea cutlery for the next 5 or 10 years, (and not ask for proper silverware), what's wrong with that?

The "no present" is really a pain,(or worst, the make a charity donation!), guests still have to buy something and will waste so much time trying to figure out what the couple might like. No one turns up empty handed, so you are doing your guests a great favour by directing them and giving them a wide range of prices.

I agree with above, it's a bit rude to invite "evening-only" guests, but at least you don't have to buy a present there: you are not invited to the actual wedding, you are likely to have to buy your own drinks etc, a card is more enough (disclaimer: unless the invitation is from a neighbour or a lovely work colleague, I always decline evening invitation, I can't be bothered)

SheSparkles · 04/11/2017 14:11

I have no issue in giving a cash gift, but I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about asking for money towards a honeymoon, basically because we didn’t have a honeymoon when we got married 21 years ago because we couldn’t afford it (still waiting 🙄).
I received my first request for honeymoon cash from a relative. This was from a couple who earned way more than dh and I, and we were the only members of the family to have had children, so we were at an expensive point in our lives. It just left such a sour taste in my mouth. I know this is an entirely personal thing, but it has really coloured my judgement towards these things.

confused123456 · 04/11/2017 14:15

I hate wedding lists anyway. I hate the idea that something would be expected.
We most certainly didn't have one. A few people asked what we'd like and we replied "we'd like you to join us and enjoy the day with us. Nothing more".
And I'm not a fan of separate evening do's. It should be all or nothing.

AJPTaylor · 04/11/2017 14:15

well, being elderly (49) we have friends getting married second time round.
what do you get a couple that have lived together years, grown up kids, own their house outright and have 2 good jobs?
very happy to chuck 50 quid in the honeymoon fund tbh.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2017 14:16

'I agree with above, it's a bit rude to invite "evening-only" guests, but at least you don't have to buy a present there'

Oh, no, codd, nowadays the 'give us money' comes with the evening do invite, as in the OP, who was invited to the evening only with a cash gift request. People think so much of their weddings, they invite people to evening do's far away, expecting them to stay in a hotel overnight, pay for their drinks and give them some dosh just for a poxy disco with a sausage roll. Or even worse, the trend for inviting people to the ceremony (always at stupid o'clock), then fuck off somewhere whilst the real guests get a meal and drinks, then come back for the evening and give them cash.

Sunshinegirl82 · 04/11/2017 14:17

I find the attitude to this quite odd to be honest, indicating a preference is not a demand. If you don't want to give cash then give a present, fine, up to you. Or don't give anything at all, also up to you.

The reality is people give presents at weddings, most of the time they prefer to give the couple something they actually want so an indication of the couple's preference is helpful.

To be honest OP I'd be a bit irritated by the don't give gifts message because I'd feel awkward about it. I'd want to give you something but you've said not to so should I go against your wishes and do it anyway? Then I'd wonder what other people would do. I'd end up ringing round my friends to ask what they were doing. I'd rather have a poem and stick £50 in a card any day, it's super easy, everyone wins. If you don't want to ask perhaps better just to remain silent on the point.

coddiwomple · 04/11/2017 14:18

SheSparkles didn't you have any wedding gift at all? You are reasonable to be annoyed towards your own guests, but not against the newlyweds.

What's the difference between spending £100 in a crystal vase or £100 "voucher" for a honeymoon? I much happier spending money towards something that will be enjoyed.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2017 14:18

'well, being elderly (49) we have friends getting married second time round.
what do you get a couple that have lived together years, grown up kids, own their house outright and have 2 good jobs?'

Um, a card. Seriously? People tout for money for a second wedding? Now, THAT is tacky. I've been married more than once. You go to the registry office with family, have a meal with them after, job done the second time round. You don't get gifts because, well, you have everything already.

PoppyPopcorn · 04/11/2017 14:20

where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem

No they haven't. They've trawled the wedding websites to find something nauseatingly twee to download.

And yes, asking for guests to fund a honeymoon is cheeky and rude.

coddiwomple · 04/11/2017 14:26

expat sadly you are probably right Grin

asking for guests to fund a honeymoon is cheeky and rude
but why Popcorn?

PoppyPopcorn · 04/11/2017 14:28

Because any demands for gifts/cash which are sent with the invitation are crass. Fine to want money or vouchers. But you wait until you are ASKED what you'd like, rather than assuming people are going to want to give you cash and send a poem with the invite. I dislike gift lists sent with invitaitons for the same reason. Rudeness.

RitaMills · 04/11/2017 14:34

I prefer money requests to all this ‘no gifts’ rubbish, of course people are going to give gifts and a request for cash takes the hassle out of the guess work. I’m giving a gift anyway so I’m happy for that gift to be honeymoon spends. I do agree that a poem is a bit naff though.

coddiwomple · 04/11/2017 14:34

it sounds very hypocritical. You know people will buy you a gift, but you act like if it's an amazing surprise when they ask what you want...
What a faff, just send the gift list with the invite and be done with it. It's not rude, it's practical.

You are just making life harder for your guests by giving yourself airs.

MeadowHay · 04/11/2017 14:41

In our invitations we wrote something like 'the only gift we would like is your presence, but if you do want to buy a present, we would appreciate donations for a honeymoon' or something worded nicer than that. We already lived together so we didn't need loads of house stuff but we were broke students and otherwise wouldn't have been able to go on honeymoon. I think most people were happy as it was easier for them stick a bit of cash in a card than go trawling round shops looking for an acceptable present. Some people bought us gifts as well and maybe some people just bought us a present, tbh we never made a list of who got us what so I have no idea.

Sunshinegirl82 · 04/11/2017 14:44

@coddiwomple I completely agree. It all feels a bit like the gift giver has this sense of self importance about the whole thing. When I give a gift it's not actually about me. It's about the person receiving the gift. I want to give them what they want. It's much easier for me to be told that information to start with rather than agonise over it!