AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

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I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

When I got married, we said no presents (and we meant it) but we said if people really wanted to give us something, could they give us one of those buy a goat for charity thing or a charity organizations their choice (maybe let us know which in a wedding card)

We really really really didn't want any things (2nd marriage just moved into a small flat with much too much stuff already) We weren't going on honeymoon and my first wedding had taught me what English people think if you say you prefer money as a wedding gift, so decided not to do that.

. People still bought us things and made comments about us being "too worthy" . It was irritating actually. My sister actually managed to ignore my request but get us something really good. She paid for some trees to be planted and paid for a night in a posh hotel for us to have a short break.

Weddings and gifts are a minefield. Just give them what you want to and enjoy the day. Lots of my guests did just that.

When I got married, we said no presents (and we meant it) but we said if people really wanted to give us something, could they give us one of those buy a goat for charity thing or a charity organizations their choice (maybe let us know which in a wedding card)

We really really really didn't want any things (2nd marriage just moved into a small flat with much too much stuff already) We weren't going on honeymoon and my first wedding had taught me what English people think if you say you prefer money as a wedding gift, so decided not to do that.

. People still bought us things and made comments about us being "too worthy" . It was irritating actually. My sister actually managed to ignore my request but get us something really good. She paid for some trees to be planted and paid for a night in a posh hotel for us to have a short break.

Weddings and gifts are a minefield. Just give them what you want to and enjoy the day. Lots of my guests did just that.

It shouldn't matter whether you give cash, buy off a list or contribute to a honeymoon but I agree, it kind of does.

Dh and I were the first to marry. We invited everyone to everything but didn't have an evening do so of course that made a slight difference but if we had, all would have come to it all. We had a wedding list which PIL ran. Since then a few cousins have married and most have asked for cash or contribution to their honeymoon. I'd rather have the fun of buying a present and wrapping it nicely but since we rarely get a thank you maybe less effort is for the best.

I agree Evelyn as you would have had to pay the exchange rate!

Should have said, I'm not bothered about children not being invited, it's just an indication of where where we are in the pecking order - that and only being invited to the evening do i.e. you're not very important to us, we don't want you to be part of the actual wedding, but we'd still like you to contribute to our honeymoon. Just made me feel a bit .

You've all given me a proper dilemma about what we do with presents at our actual wedding now!...

Bumbling that sounds wonderful and meaningful. When I got married we really were setting up home. We didn't put a wedding list in with the invitation but if people asked then we gave them the wedding list. I still have some items from 20 yrs ago. If I was to marry once I had my own home with my partner i would do the same as you. You sound truly lovely.

Hate the poems but think cash is the best way forward. I’d never rock up to a wedding without a gift but would hate to get something unwanted. Cash all the way.

I was slightly against the latest family bride asking for cash for the honeymoon as was my DB and his wife. So she didn''t. But I'm sort of changing my mind. If the b&g have lived together and have their own stuff and really don't need any more - then why not give them money towards something specific on the websites that abound now for this sort of thing? Especially if they can send you photos as other PPs have said of them enjoying the supper/experience you contributed to. But equally it would be good if they could think of things for those who really find it uncomfortable to do cash and want to give something tangible but don't clutter up the place.

Remember, these people will have chucked between £25 and £350 per head at you depending on the venue and if you are day or just evening. It is customary to give a gift at weddings, whether this is money towards a honeymoon or a set of pans really doesn’t matter. And yes I have known many couples who have trotted off to book the honeymoon after the wedding because they spent what they could afford on a better menu or extra drinks for guests

I prefer it by a mile. At the last wedding I was at everyone at the table was talking about how easy it was to contribute to the honeymoon fund and how they dread a John Lewis wedding list.

In our invitations we explicitly said gifts were not expected but we'd be grateful for anything guests thought we'd like or honeymoon contributions (sans poem) but kids and partners were invited, it was local (literally 4 people travelled and they were family so stayed with other family) and all booze was free all night so it was pretty cheap for the guests.

Most people gave in the region of £50 and we were supremely grateful.

Most people left with a few bottles of wine as we massively overbought (because apparently not everyone drinks 3 bottles of bubbly at a wedding )

We phrased ours along the lines of, if you want to give a gift, money towards future home improvements would be appreciated. We did a lot of decorating the following year and did by things like a dinner service (seconds from the nearby factory shop in the sales so considerably better value than the same set would have been on the High Street)

We felt that asking for our honeymoon was a bit cheeky as we were going on quite an adventure, but in reality it all ends up in the same pot. It also wasn't the kind of trip where you could put in to a specific part of the honeymoon as it was spontaneously organised as we travelled.

I've had friends who spent what they knew they could afford for the wedding then booked a last minute deal on a honeymoon when they saw what they'd received in gifts. They'd had difficult circumstances in previous years and budgeted carefully to manage a wedding that they would always treasure. They are close friends, and we gave above our usual budget to help them have a lovely honeymoon as they deserved a lovely holiday for the first time in years.

I'd rather the couple just ask for something that they value, be it toasters, money, home improvement or the honeymoon. Clearing the finances for the wedding day because you've stretched yourself to the limit and asking prior to the wedding is definitely cheeky though! I've got no issue with stating it with the invitations, why make people play chasing or guessing games, that's more faff for all.

I don't think it's fair to ask evening guests though. Day guests are presumably of a closer relationship, and have received more hospitality.

Thing is, people like OP who ask for "no gifts" fully expect to get cash gifts, they just think they have found a secret and polite way of asking. And all the people posting "I asked for no gifts and I was shocked and happy when I was given cash", come on! Everyone knows how weddings work these days.

Fwiw, I didn't have anything on my wedding invite but asked family to spread the word that no gifts were required. I was then told that was rude, as it implied I wanted cash, I should make a registry. I made one but since we dont need anything it was things I didn't really need or want. I was then told by my sister I was rude making a registry. You can't win. Basically if you have a wedding you are rude. Or really if you exist you are being rude.

The worst wedding I ever went to had a poem invite asking for money for their honeymoon. It was also fancy dress.

It was worded as if it was a full invite and it wasn't until two days before that we received an email telling us to bring "plenty of money"for the cash bar as there wasn't anywhere close to get some and the place would only accept cash. And then said "evening only invite" at the end. It turned out a tiny number had actual ceremony invites and everyone else evening only with the cash bar. At a really fancy historic building. In the middle of nowhere.

It cost me a fucking fortune to go to that wedding and get dressed up in the obligatory fancy dress (think expensive red carpet style look rather than DIY with a couple of sheets and some safety pins.) The cash bar was ridiculously expensive and only served red or white wine. The wine was cheap shite. There was no food at all.

They then went on a TWO MONTH honeymoon.

I gave them a bottle of fizz. I wish I'd drank it myself.

I don't mind giving money - I prefer to give money actually. But when people are greedy fuckers they can fuck off. My wedding cost about two grand and nobody had to part with more than their taxi/tube/bus fare (London venue, all London guests) OR dress up like a twat. And a grand time was had by all. I was giving away wine at the end as I had over ordered. Better than making people pay 5 quid for a small glass of table wine.

Oh and I genuinely didn't want any gifts. I really only wanted my friends and family to come and have a good time. I asked for people to donate to Great Ormond Street Hospital as they had saved my son's life. That made me very, very happy.

However I am still waiting for my honeymoon...

Always amazed at English weddings where you can pop 50 pounds in a card. In lreland the going the going rate is 200 euro per couple and that is barely up to whats expected. Havent had any poems ever though so not complaining too much.

We did something similar but no poem!!!

We basically bought a honeymoon via a website that tailored honeymoon packages and they had a website where people could buy ‘upgradrs’ E.g a cocktail for two; evening sunset cruise. It was fab because it was all a surprise what we’d been given until we arrived and the hotel gave us the list! One in/law had upgraded our room which wasn’t even in our list but they had contacted the hotel directly.

Our invited said something along the lines of “we do not expect and presents as we are grateful for your presence. However, should you feel the need please follow the following link....” I would say roughly 60% of our guests purchased an online honeymoon gift. They ranged from £10 -£80.

We also got a fondue set from a family member determined to give us a traditional gift. I’ve never used it.

These threads always astound me. I don't know anyone who objects to this in real life. At our wedding we didn't put anything about presents in the invites. If people asked us what we wanted we said we would appreciate contributions towards our honeymoon but prefaced it by saying we weren't expecting presents. I personally would never ever go to a wedding without a gift and most people do want some guidance as to what to get. I just see it as a total non issue - if you don't want to give them money, give them something else. It's not anything to get your nose out of joint about.

all the people posting "I asked for no gifts and I was shocked and happy when I was given cash", come on! Everyone knows how weddings work these days

You're right, of course they do ... but then, isn't that precisely why there's no need to ask, either with ghastly poems or anything else?

It’s the custom in my culture to give cash gifts at weddings yet when we were getting married, a colleague told me to my face that it was tacky and rude to ask for cash gifts and that she prefers to buy something of her choosing to take to a wedding. I was gobsmacked at the time, not only that someone would think it was ok to make gift giving all about them but also that she felt justified in sharing that her view of the world literally trumped the traditions and culture of pretty much an entire continent. I thought she was a right oddball (and to be fair she was) until I joined mumsnet and realised that this line of thinking was actually scarily common.

Every wedding I’d been lucky enough to be invited to and accepted, I have been glad to get the couple whatever gift they’d expressed a preference for, whether that be vouchers, cash, contribution towards their honeymoon or adopting a goat named Gareth (true story); even when I have been an evening only guest.

It seems really mean spirited to me, to accept a wedding ‘invitation’ (clue is in the name) and then bitch and moan about getting the couple something they’ve indicated they’d like. Most people getting married these days don’t NEED anything, but they might WANT something that gives them a bit of joy. If that truly bothers you, ask yourself some serious questions about why that might be and then consider doing something about it.

Most couples live together before marriage now so they have all the toasters, kettles etc they need. Our poem specifically said IF you wanted to give us something then please contribute to our honeymoon instead. It's purely voluntary, as with any gift...

I think it's just as dreadful to have a huge list of expensive items from a shop. Either way asking for things, be it cash or gifts is rude. But I'd rather ask for money and use it towards a honeymoon than have a ton of household items I don't need just so I'm not seen as rude.

junebirthday every time I read anything about"milestone" events in Ireland I'm so glad not to be Irish! Surely there must be grumpy antisocial people in Ireland who hate weddings and resent having to go without a holiday to attend... Or is there something about growing up Irish that means that's somehow impossible!

I have no problem whatsoever with giving them some cash. I’d far rather they spend it on something they want and if it’s towards the honeymoon, fine.

I like children at weddings but it’s their day.

How much do you generally give?

We didn’t do a lust or a poem, we had quite a small wedding but did receive about £500 cash which were going to put towards a sofa. However the day before the honeymoon the car (which we needed for the honeymoon) unexpectedly cost £950 to put through it’s MOT, which completely wiped out £1000 saving for spending money. You can all guess where the sofa money went.