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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be seen out with DP

188 replies

BhajiAllTheWay · 04/11/2017 10:42

Here's the thing..I know clothes shouldn't make a difference but...I'm really embarrassed by how he dresses. He will wear baggy ripped joggers ( not actual in fashion, just torn), nylon jackets..baseball cap (because he likes them). Its not a money issue as he could afford some new gear. I even bought him a gift card at Xmas and he said he'd buy some new gear. No idea what happened to it but he didn't. I work in a professional job and am by no means a fashionista but I do dress smart. I honestly dread bumping into anyone I know. He is downright scruffy. AIBU? I've complimented him loads when he does look smart e.g. we went to a family wedding ( his side). He looked great. Next day he was in jeans with a hole big enough to put your head through..maybe I'm not worth making the effort for?? He was proud that his uncle had given him some jumpers so hed not have buy anything. (they were tatty)I honestly don't know what to make of it.

OP posts:

GoulishGoblinPumpkinSnatcher · 07/11/2017 15:07

I'm no Cinderella princess, but my substation sounds similar to OP's. Mine didn't use to dress like that. Otherwise I wouldn't have got with him in the first place. It seems to have got worse over time, like he's let himself go and doesn't feel it necessary to make effort for me anymore. My list of things is quite bad that I'm embarrassed to say, Just habits. But it's unfortunate that we bought a house together and have a joint mortgage, and I really can't be doing with the hassle of breaking up because of the house. We're not married & don't have kids.

BillywilliamV · 07/11/2017 15:12

Take all his tatty stuff to the tip.

brotherphil · 07/11/2017 20:11

I would clear out his wardrobe leaving him no choice but to go shopping!!!!
If my DW did that to me (not that she would) I'd follow the clothes out of the door. How disrespectful can you get?

Ragwort · 07/11/2017 20:59

And also that I found him more attractive when he dressed more sharply, and that it pleased his family to see him looking sharp and well. He got the message and I have no regrets or guilt about it. You're not exactly crushing his self-expression or individuality by asking him to make more of an effort

If my DH asked me to make 'more of an effort' in my appearance I would have no hesitation in showing him the door, I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread - thank God for the voice of reason in Pumpkin.

Jedimum1 · 07/11/2017 20:59

pumpkin, I think you missread me. I never said dump his things outright, I said to replace stained / ripped items with new ones, yet to put the old ones in a bag (or box, or underbed storage). If he actually claims them back, are his favourites, realises these items are not in the wardrobe, he can have them back. But for what OP says, he just doesn't like shopping but likes having hand me downs, so he dies like renewing his wardrobe. If the old items are put away and he doesn't care, they can be thrown away at a later date, as they are all together in some storage. OP said it's not about fashion, but about things that are really too old, stained, ripped or out of shape. Things you might wear in the house or for DIY, but not when going out. I don't think it's that outrageous to put these items somewhere else for a month and see if they are actually wanted / needed, or just pure habit "I'll put on whatever it's in the wardrobe".

Jedimum1 · 07/11/2017 21:00

*does, not dies

KarmaNoMore · 08/11/2017 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toadinthehole · 08/11/2017 17:24

If my DH asked me to make 'more of an effort' in my appearance I would have no hesitation in showing him the door

No you wouldn't, and anyway, why would he be obliged to leave?

Do you threaten divorce if he spills his tea?

Toadinthehole · 08/11/2017 17:57

Also, there's are clear reasons why a man would be treated differently for asking his wife to improve her appearance than vice versa. Women dress better than men. They spend far more time and money on their appearance. Men rarely wear make-up and generally do not have expensive hair-dos. Men's clothes, including smart clothes, are generally pretty practical: women's generally aren't.

If a man stated on here that he was embarrassed to be seen with his wife in public, there would be reasonable grounds to suspect that what he actually wanted was to see his wife in pretty and/or sexy but impractical or uncomfortable dresses and the like. If DW gave me a load of money and told me to revamp her wardrobe I'd probably make that mistake myself. DW often looks like a bit of a frump, tbh. However, she doesn't wear clothes with holes or stains. By men's standards of appearance she looks absolutely fine, so I never comment.

PumpkinSquash · 08/11/2017 18:20

If he actually claims them back, are his favourites, realises these items are not in the wardrobe, he can have them back

That's good of you. Does he get a pat on the head or a shiny gold sticker if he complies too?

Ifailed · 08/11/2017 18:49

If my DH asked me to make 'more of an effort' in my appearance I would have no hesitation in showing him the door

No you wouldn't, and anyway, why would he be obliged to leave?

Thank god a real man has arrived to explain it all to everyone.

Ragwort · 08/11/2017 19:25

If my DH asked me to make 'more of an effort' in my appearance I would have no hesitation in showing him the door

No you wouldn't, and anyway, why would he be obliged to leave?

It's a manner of speech, the point I am making is that I would not stay married to someone who asked me to 'make more of an effort' in my appearance. I would hope that my DH values me for what I am, rather than what I look like and whether I am 'suitable' to be seen in public with him.

EvilRinguBitch · 08/11/2017 19:35

I would also have the heebie jeebies if my DH went out dressed as the OP describes and I would feel the need to do something about it. But I’m confused by the weird manipulative gaslighty suggestions - they may be jokes about how you’d behave if your husband was in fact a toddler but I don’t get it.

My DH is a terror for wearing clothes until they fall to bits and has no interest in shopping for new ones. Left to his own devices he would look like a tramp. As an adult I deal with this by picking up shirts with holes in them, saying to DH, out loud, using actual words, “this is horrendous and makes you look as if you sleep in a hedge, please please don’t wear it out of the house” and offering to replace them for him (using joint household funds) if they go in the ragbag. Because he doesn’t care and knows I do care he says “sure, fine”.

However I do have the advantage that DH’s preferred options are perfectly respectable as long as I keep them replaced with new versions every year or two. If his preferred options were nylon shellsuit tops joggers and baseball caps which are not my cup of tea (to put it mildly) even when box fresh then we’d have a compatibility problem, but I think we probably wouldn’t be together in the first place. I think that’s the OP’s problem - even if his entire wardrobe was magically replaced with shiny brand new equivalents she’d still be cringing.

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