To not want to be seen out with DP

[BhajiAllTheWay]

Here's the thing..I know clothes shouldn't make a difference but...I'm really embarrassed by how he dresses. He will wear baggy ripped joggers ( not actual in fashion, just torn), nylon jackets..baseball cap (because he likes them). Its not a money issue as he could afford some new gear. I even bought him a gift card at Xmas and he said he'd buy some new gear. No idea what happened to it but he didn't. I work in a professional job and am by no means a fashionista but I do dress smart. I honestly dread bumping into anyone I know. He is downright scruffy. AIBU? I've complimented him loads when he does look smart e.g. we went to a family wedding ( his side). He looked great. Next day he was in jeans with a hole big enough to put your head through..maybe I'm not worth making the effort for?? He was proud that his uncle had given him some jumpers so hed not have buy anything. (they were tatty)I honestly don't know what to make of it.

I don't think you ABU in asking your partner to look halfway decent when you are out together. Ripped or dirty clothing would indicate to me the person had no respect for themselves or the person they were with. You would not go for a job interview dressed like that so if you are going out for a meal and you have taken the trouble to look nice then he should do the same. He sounds like a lazy slob.

My husband doesn't look after his clothes at all. We will go out and fill his wardrobe with new clothes. And in no time they are stained, ripped ect.. and he will carry on wearing them. And he clings on to summer with both hands. Even today he was wearing shorts. But it's just him, and it drives me crazy but hey ho, it's up to him. He will always make an effort if we are going some were nice. But a trip to town.. not a chance.
However some years ago, his standards slipped so low, he would barly shave, he went months between hair cuts. He always looked shabby. Turns out he was just at a really low point in life in general, with time and support he was back to his usual not so shabby self .
Could it be that your husband is having a mentaly low point. If he has not always dressed this bad.
If he has always dressed this way then it wasn't a deal breaker when you met, so don't expect change.
Also when my partners favorite jeans are getting too awful, I buy him like for like and throw the old ones away.

OP has not yet said whether:
This is a recent deterioration
Whether the clothes are dirty or just well-worn
Whether the man himself is unwashed.

Op has said that her DP dresses smartly for formal occasions but doesn't want to bother the rest of the time. While everyone (male/female/other) including kids should accept that sometimes you need to wear something a bit smart or formal, it's actually perfecly OK not to care about what you put on as long as it's warm enough and covers your genitals, if you are just bumbling about at home.

Can you start swapping items? Get a bag, buy a new item, put it in the wardrobe, chuck one old item into the bag. If he doesn't claim the item within a month, it goes to the charity / bin. Continue to buy items and replace those that are ripped, stained or out of shape. He sounds as if he does not like shopping or spending on clothes, as he was happy to get second hand.

I do think that sometimes it's not about "not making an effort" for the other half, but actually feeling very comfortable in the most basic, plain and natural self; to the point that he feels that there's no need to "dress up" and "make a performance". Obviously he's not getting the fact that you don't like it and that he might be going a tad too far with this "comfortable" approach!

If he had been wearing pyjamas all the time I bet the husband would have had more support on here.

Just wow!!
Imagine this in reverse?? "My wife doesn't dress well enough for me"
Everyone would be kicking off!!

Double standards much?! Leave the poor bloke to wear whatever the hell he wants! What does it matter?! Sounds like he is comfortable in his own skin to me!

There really is a difference between dressing down /casually and wearing worn out stained clothes....

If the latter, esp if they had were usually ok - would wonder if they were feeling depressed.... Lack of care in appearance is often implicated in depression.

Well, I admit I am a bit lazy about my looks, rarely wear make up, hair in a pony tail, jeans and t-shirt, but I can see the importance in making a bit of an effort. I mean, I wouldn't go out in dirty clothes or pyjamas, no bra, hair/teeth not brushed, so there is a line somewhere. I suspect for most of us.

It's weird, but do you have a mirror OP? Can you put a mirror in the hall so he can actually see himself? Or take a photo of yourselves out together and put it on Facebook or somewhere he can see.

I think sometimes we don't realise how actually awful we look, rather than just casual. It might be a wake up for him if he can see himself as you see him.

OP if this is a change for him, is it a sign of depression?
What is his basic self care like?
Is he interested/enthusiastic about anything?
How's his sleep/appetite?

My dh (30 yrs) has never been a sharp dresser. It's partly how i got him, my gfs thought that he was a poor dresser and never spoke to him. He's a wonderful person, but cares nothing about clothes.

I tell him, "i love you. Look at the wonderful clothes that i have for you."

Idk what makes him wear dumb stuff, but now he says, "bring me an acceptable shirt." Before we go out. Even to errands.

It's part of being a couple. I do things that makes him happy, he reciprocates.

Our dc give him clothes now. Fashion is beyond him. But he loves us and wants to be ok looking and also, importantly, understands that we love him, but want him to look good. Isn't that part of loving? Taking care of them?
I'm sorry this is jumbled.
This can be fixed with humor and love.

Can you start swapping items? Get a bag, buy a new item, put it in the wardrobe, chuck one old item into the bag.

Bloody hell. I can be a scruffy cow, but how would it be OK for DH to decide to buy me something else he likes and bin say my favourite skirt that I like and he doesn't? Buy one, bin another, til I'm a good little ideal of what he likes.
It doesn't make it any better when it's the woman being the controlling, weird one you know!

This thread is fucking disturbing, I can't believe like three people on here are saying they like chinos. You absolute sickos

"Yes I have broached it albeit gently, and he does smarten up...for a day or so."

Then thats your window for getting him to actually throw out the stuff in unacceptable condition. He cant go back to ripped joggers if he doesnt have any. I am totally slobby in my dress, always have been, but when stuff is actually ripped and stained, thats the time to relegate it to "in the house/DIY only".

We’d get on well. I’ve rejoiced at the comfort of my seven year old tracksuit bottoms that are worse than tramp trousers. They made a happy marriage with my worn out hoody. Not a single fuck did I give today.

I replaced all my husbands clothing over time..... bart simpson boxers..... 90s style jeans.... the full lot

My DM used to make me laugh. If my Dad was too keen on wearing something she didn't like or something tatty, she'd hide it for a while and when he asked she'd say "Oh you got rid of that ages ago, don't you remember?"

There's nothing wrong with being imcompatible with someone. There's everything wrong with trying to coerce a partner to meet your own projected standards.

This

You’re making his choice of clothing about you when it’s about him and his choices. If you’ve talked about it and he hasn’t changed, it means he doesn’t want to. Do yourself and him a favour and if it bothers you that much, walk away before resentment kills your relationship.

just wanted to say that I feel your pain. My child's dad had no dress sense, so was often really mismatched and he was oblivious to it. I'm pretty laid back about appearance, but he took it to the extreme and we got alot of looks. It wasn't the reason that the relationship deteriorated, but it did take some getting used to as I don't like to be the centre of attention and this drew alot of attention to us. :-( anyhoo, I digress, it turns out he's on the autistic spectrum. I have another friend, who's a man who dressed pretty well, in terms of coordination, stains etc but with the exception of the odd hole in clothes and really strange shoes for a straight male, a number of other things about him, make me wonder if he too is on the spectrum. hope you get it sorted, but I would be looking a bit deeper, to try to understand the cause if I were you x

My DM used to make me laugh. If my Dad was too keen on wearing something she didn't like or something tatty, she'd hide it for a while and when he asked she'd say "Oh you got rid of that ages ago, don't you remember?"

Now see, reverse the sexes and someone posted about their DH flinging your clothes out on here and then saying that.
There'd be shouts of "gaslighting! LTB!" on here.
Nobody would be saying it makes them laugh, or suggesting bonfires of their clothes!

You'd have to know my parents. They were together 50 yrs. She was always right about his clothes though, poor Dad didn't have her style.

I think he knew, she'd say to with a smile. She wasn't trying to gaslight him!

Just wow!! Imagine this in reverse?? "My wife doesn't dress well enough for me" Everyone would be kicking off!!

^^ Totally agree - and there have been threads on here from men complaining that they don't like the way their wife dresses and they did get abusive replies.

Yet again this is double standards on Mumsnet.

Not at all. you should take care of your appearance if you want to be with someone, be found attractive, get close to someone. Plain manners and decency really.