To not want to be seen out with DP

[BhajiAllTheWay]

Here's the thing..I know clothes shouldn't make a difference but...I'm really embarrassed by how he dresses. He will wear baggy ripped joggers ( not actual in fashion, just torn), nylon jackets..baseball cap (because he likes them). Its not a money issue as he could afford some new gear. I even bought him a gift card at Xmas and he said he'd buy some new gear. No idea what happened to it but he didn't. I work in a professional job and am by no means a fashionista but I do dress smart. I honestly dread bumping into anyone I know. He is downright scruffy. AIBU? I've complimented him loads when he does look smart e.g. we went to a family wedding ( his side). He looked great. Next day he was in jeans with a hole big enough to put your head through..maybe I'm not worth making the effort for?? He was proud that his uncle had given him some jumpers so hed not have buy anything. (they were tatty)I honestly don't know what to make of it.

I actually think it's OK to say that you'd like him to wear clean clothes without holes. That's hardly controlling. He may experience it as controlling though. This may be why he didnt spend the voucher.

The nylon and the baseball caps - urgh, but yes, his choices of what to wear are up to him. Clean and unripped is reasonable IMO.

Have a discussion about it. I do get my dh to change his jumper if he is going out with food stains down it, and I say to him that I would like him to retire really old garments that are mostly holes. He is usually pleased if I choose something for him but not all people are which is fair enough.

If DH is going out somewhere with me he will make a little bit of effort with his appearance, as will I for him. That's just basic respect and thoughtfulness towards the other person. Neither demands it but neither needs to. If he were a total slob when out then it would affect my feelings for him.

Dressing in joggers, sweater, baseball cap = slobby to some, slouchy and relaxed to others. Each to their own in a way.

BUT

Dressing in joggers, sweater, baseball cap covered in stains and rips and shit = that’s make me worry about the person’s stage of mind. The message it’s sending is “I don’t are about myself even enough to put on something clean”.

Those accusing the OP of being controlling are missing the point.

OP, tell me if I’m wrong here.

So for those who say it's ok...if you ran into your boss and were holding hands with someone who dressed like this.....would you not feel just a bit embarrassed?

No; why would my partner have any bearing on my boss?

There's nothing wrong with being imcompatible with someone. There's everything wrong with trying to coerce a partner to meet your own projected standards

I understand. I live in another country where you only wear sports clothes to do sport, so generally people look much smarter. I once asked him to wash because he had BO and to put on a tshirt that wasnt stained and was long enough to cover his belly. I asked if he liked valued and respected himself and he said yes, and I asked why this didnt exend to his clothing. So now he does make a tiny bit more effort. Plus he went shopping for new trousers that fit so he now has more options. The thing is, there is a really big difference in his personality when he dresses up a bit. He becomes more confident decisive and happier. He just needs a push sometimes.

I would also want to check that there isn't something else wrong. Really manky clothing (dirty, damaged, falling to bits) can be a sign of depression or of making some sort of 'statement'.
Does he wash himself? If the clothes are clean-but-indelibly-stained and he doesn't smell like a pigsty, that's more bearable.
It also does sound as though he will make the effort when you ask him (for a formal event) but TBH if it's just for popping to the shop or lying on the sofa, I'm on his side.

Have you had a direct conversation with him, focused and specific about how much his appearance bothers you? That it’s a deal-breaker?
Not an indirect, complimenting when he meets your standards, but an unambiguous statement about what you want?
Then you can either work out a compromise, or split up.

My DH use to be like this in the first few years of our relationship and I found it really embarrassing too - ripped joggers, bobbly jumpers, wearing colours that clashed or were too bright together, or the worst which were clothes which were clean but were really stained.

I tried just having a frank conversations but either he said he didn’t care or he got moody and offended, so I just started to buy clothes for him.

We came to an arrangement that for every item I bought I could bin something I hate. We also do general clear outs of his wardrobe too periodically. At first it annoyed me as dh wasn’t prepared to contribute financially to this ( as he’s so flaming tight) but he is the bigger earner and does contribute more to the household than me so I just factor it in to ‘money for the house’. Also of late he’s been super generous when it comes to gifts for me so I don’t really mind.

Now he does take much more pride in his appearance and enjoys getting compliments about how well dressed and groomed he is, so fingers crossed for you OP that you will eventually be able to say the same for your OH!

Have you tried just telling him?

My husband isn’t arsed about clothes but I have no problem telling him I’m not going out with him looking like a tramp. I also chuck out ripped and holey clothes and pick some new ones up from asda. He doesn’t care either way.

But in any event I wouldn’t pussy foot around the issue to get to ashamed point.

My dh is on the scruffy side. Arts based background, a freelancer working from home, does lots of sports coaching etc. Never worked in an office, always worked in dressed down industries.

But his clothes are clean. Not ripped. Jeans and jumpers rather than joggers and a hoodie. He can do smart when necessary and does it well. He showers daily etc.

Dirty, stained, ripped clothes would worry more in terms of state of mind, self care rather than what others think.

Dressing in joggers, sweater, baseball capcovered in stains and rips and shit= that’s make me worry about the person’s stage of mind. The message it’s sending is “I don’t are about myself even enough to put on something clean”.
This.

I love my gym clothes and DH takes the piss that I would live my life in them if I could. I wouldn't judge someone for wearing joggers.
I would judge someone who can't be bothered to wear clean clothes and chooses to wear battered, ripped ajd stained clothes when they could easily wear clean clothes in a readonable condition.

The issue isn't the jogging bottoms, it's that he doesn't seem to have any pride in his appearance, is lazy (otherwise why else would you dress like a scruff out of choice) and seems to think he has to make zero effort for his other half.
Unless thete's some underlying mental health issues affecting how he approachea life, this his attitude ajd actions don't reflect well on him as a person.

It's not shallow at all. Hahahahaha

This is the very definition of shallow - caring more about how someone looks than who they are. So many people on this thread must have sad little lives.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a but if slobbing down when you are at home not expecting anyone but going out is stained ripped clothing is not on.

Is it just effort,? Can you nor say how the ripped and stained clothing upsets you. Perhaps you can suggest a clear out of the old stuff and replace. Use the voucher to go shopping together. Plenty of men dress casually and without looking like catwalk models. Maybe the clothes shopping trip feels a bit daunting. Book an afternoon tie it in with a meal out or a drink.

It's not shallow and its not unreasonable, and the people telling OP she is BU would not put up with it themselves.
If you went to a works do would you be happy if your partner turned up in a clown suit or a stained football jersey and shorts? Of course you wouldn't. Same thing, different place on the scale.

Yanbu. Neither Dh or I are into fashion but we still look tidy.
Dh daily wear is jeans, plain coloured jumper, loafers. Mine is skinny jeans, boots, slightly more adventurous jumpers or t-shirts! No need to be scruffy and wear torn clothes

Why not just start mending his clothes/throwing them out and buying smarter replacements?

This is the very definition of shallow - caring more about how someone looks than who they are. So many people on this thread must have sad little lives.
She isn't asking him to be suited and booted every day, nor is she saying he has to look a specific way.
She is asking him to not be lazy and to have a bit of pride in his appearance, you knoe wear clean clothes rather than scruffy stained and raggy ones.

It's not about image over personality.
If someone wants to be a scruff all thr time then that tells me about their personality.

If he's happy and comfortable you have to decide whether your disapproval of what he wears is more important than everything else about him. If it is then leave. If it isn't, let it go.
I do think you're being shallow and petty.

I don’t care about the ‘look’ - I care about being able to travel through life and go in anywhere without being hoiked out, followed by security guards, or being told ‘Not today Sir/Madam’. Or (worse for me) being sent pitying glances by people.

Dh was horribly scruffy when we were first together. Shambling, holey clothes - black slip on shoes with jogging bottoms. A large yellow hand knitted jumper with shorts.

After a few months I knew we were likely to be together so I gave him half a dozen items and said to wear them when we went out together so we didn’t have difficulties.

We had a few early fights about it (we were young) - I was embarrassed, he was idealistic and annoyed at being refused entry.

It’s just EASIER when you look ok and don’t draw attention to yourself.

Frankly the best thing about living in London is that you can go pretty much anywhere in dark jeans, jumper and boots. Hotels, bars, restaurants no problem.

Was he like this when you got together? If so, you knew the deal. if not then I'd have a word about how he comes across. As for ripped old clothing, I'd recycle it and get new stuff for him for his birthday etc. If you live together that is.

Does he have a job? That’s often the shock that surprises a lot of young adults, usually male. That how you dress, matters at work.

As others have said,

Is this a new thing or was he always like that? You have said it has worsened which suggests he always was a bit predisposed to it.

Are you worried he has depression or undiagnosed autism - both of which can cause either reduction in interest in appearance or a lack of awareness of clothes as anything other than being there for practical reasons and hence it doesnt matter what they look like.

If its just part of his personality that he is unlikely to change then you need to decide if its a dealbreaker for you and take steps accordingly.

If its not a dealbreaker then you need to find ways to deal with it that dont cause you stress, ie what he wears is outwith your control and finding ways to let go and not worry so much about what others think.

They way you talk about him , it comes across as not so much concerned about him and why he does it , but more disdainful of him and how embarrassed you are in front of others by him

Ok. If it’s deteriorated since yoh got together, you’re not unreasonable. I don’t give a shit if it’s shallow, but I would not wish my husband to go out in dirty, stained, worn out clothes. It’s lazy and it’s slovenly and shows a lack of self respect. We all understand societal expectations and being in what is perceived as clean attire is one of them, unless it’s work related. Walking about in clothing that’s ripped with stains down it is unpleasant.

Agree with others who say it’s not pleasant. For an adult to go out in stained and ripped clothing there is no excuse. I wouldn’t find joggers & t-shirts bad, but not filthy ones! Dh clothes can be dubious sometimes, but he pulls it out of the bag when we go out etc. There’s a difference between a certain style and being an outright slob!!!

You just need to tell him that what he's wearing isn't suitable. Some people are clueless.