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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be seen out with DP

188 replies

BhajiAllTheWay · 04/11/2017 10:42

Here's the thing..I know clothes shouldn't make a difference but...I'm really embarrassed by how he dresses. He will wear baggy ripped joggers ( not actual in fashion, just torn), nylon jackets..baseball cap (because he likes them). Its not a money issue as he could afford some new gear. I even bought him a gift card at Xmas and he said he'd buy some new gear. No idea what happened to it but he didn't. I work in a professional job and am by no means a fashionista but I do dress smart. I honestly dread bumping into anyone I know. He is downright scruffy. AIBU? I've complimented him loads when he does look smart e.g. we went to a family wedding ( his side). He looked great. Next day he was in jeans with a hole big enough to put your head through..maybe I'm not worth making the effort for?? He was proud that his uncle had given him some jumpers so hed not have buy anything. (they were tatty)I honestly don't know what to make of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BhajiAllTheWay · 04/11/2017 15:11

I did expect the " shallow" comments! That was why I posted in aibu..but it does bother me as I feel like I'm not worth making an effort for. Yes I have broached it albeit gently, and he does smarten up...for a day or so. Then it's back to the slobby stuff. Maybe it's just a lost cause..Ive stopped dressing up as maybe I would have in the past when we go out ,say if we were going for a meal, id've worn a nice dress etc. Last time we went i wore jeans as it's making me a bit cba as well.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 04/11/2017 16:15

I don't think you're shallow, I would hate this. I think most people wouldn't want to go out with someone who dresses like a lazy slob.

MrTrebus · 04/11/2017 17:03

OK just chuck it all out when he's not there! Force him to buy new stuff. Why anyone would want to go out with holes in their clothes I'll never know!

MrTrebus · 04/11/2017 17:03

OP NOT OK**

TalkinBoutWhat · 04/11/2017 17:08

I would loathe this. I'd be so tempted to throw out the offending items of clothing. If he doesn't recognise where it is or isn't appropriate to wear them, then out they go.

And I don't give a flying fuck if anyone thinks that's me being shallow. Have some bloody pride in yourself!!!

Oly5 · 04/11/2017 17:27

It may be shallow but it’s also about what yyou u find attractive. I don’t find not giving a sh&t what you look like attractive

Lovelymess · 05/11/2017 17:33

Clear out his wardrobe and go and get him some bits yourself Wink YANBU

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/11/2017 17:59

Can't believe how ignorant and judgemental some people are on here!
Quite frankly I would be embarrassed about having someone so judgmental for a partner.
Buy him clothes that he like but without holes....but him some new jeans and joggers. But don't force him to change his style.

DizzyBrummie · 05/11/2017 18:02

I’m a definite dress down kinda girl but I would still find this awkward. Both me and my husband dress down but never dirt or torn. If we go out for dinner we both make an effort.

MaisyPops · 05/11/2017 18:06

sarah
But that's all people are asking. It's not much yo ask someone to wear non stained, non ripped, non tatty clothes.

SammySays · 05/11/2017 18:07

My husband was like this when I first met him and would still be the same...if I let him. A couple of months after we started dating and realised he would probably be around long term I took him shopping, bought a new wardrobe and ever since I have continued to buy all of his clothes and shoes. He’s happy with this situation and I love to shop so it’s a win win!

overnightangel · 05/11/2017 18:08

There’s a difference between “dressing down” and being lazy unclean and slobbish

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/11/2017 18:11

Yes I suppose it is shallow, but I'm not going to criticise you as I'm the same. I wouldn't want to be seen out with someone who didnt look after their appearance.

Sparklyhousedust · 05/11/2017 18:13

I think it would be really rude to go and meet someone wearing dirty clothes or really nasty slobby ones. It definitely shows lack of respect and interest in what others think of you. Fine if you don’t care about anyone else, but to not care how your spouse feels is a bit shit really.

LilQueenie · 05/11/2017 18:15

totally understand. Living with a partner who would rather something for free to save money than actually making an effort is difficult and they are selfish for doing so. when it gets to the wearing stained and torn stuff then it may well be a depression thing. Lack of self worth. Have you told him how it makes you feel? If he actually care for you then I would expect some effort to be made on his part.

WolfieInTheWoods · 05/11/2017 18:18

I would feel exactly the same.

Can you gift him clothes for Christmas/birthdays? Or would he find this offensive?

banannabreadforme · 05/11/2017 18:22

My husband would be scruffy if I allowed it. I buy him new jeans and t shirts etc for birthdays and xmas and his my parents do the same. I slowly edit out the clothes with holes, threads and general horrid ness. We have problems buying him shoes, he walks through his, but I can’t buy him a new pair without them.

iammargesimpson · 05/11/2017 18:29

My dh is similar, he goes around in tshirts that have frayed through wear and jeans without a belt so u can see his arse crack when he bends over, it's horrible. He never used to be like this but he just doesn't seem to care. I buy him clothes if I'm getting stuff for myself and the kids or for birthdays and Christmas but he just reverts to wearing awful looking old worn out stuff. Grand around the house but not when you're going out somewhere! V frustrating.

Wassock · 05/11/2017 18:29

It’s lazy and offensive. I’d be very upset. You are not BU at all and all those saying you are are not putting themselves in your position. Of course you ‘D’H can wear whatever the hell he wants...but if he doesn’t put your feelings into account and embarrasses you when you go out, then HE is being unreasonable. You have said that he has let his standards slip, so you are not being unreasonable in asking him to smarten up in public. Being dirty and scruffy is not acceptable for a grown man. A little effort wouldn’t go amiss and would show he cared.

littlebird7 · 05/11/2017 18:30

I couldn't put up with it either. So sad for both of you as a couple that you don't want to be seen out with him, but not surprising.

Organise a day for you to both go shopping and help him make some good solid choices. He can change into it, finish with a hair appointment and tell him how you love his new look.

Christmas new clothes, birthday new clothes and keep topping his wardrobe up. Chuck out all of his old stuff and remind him that if he values your relationship he needs to take care of himself.

Ragwort · 05/11/2017 18:34

My husband would be scruffy if I allowed it - I assume that is badly phrased but you sound like his mother?

I wouldn't dream on commenting on what my DH wears - and he wouldn't dream of commenting on what I wear. He probably doesn't like my choice of clothes - but I am married to a person not a clothes horse.

I would hate it if my DH spent loads of money on clothes and ponced around in the latest fashion - yes, I do think it is shallow (& I worked in the fashion industry - what a load of snobbish, self obsessed people).

Fortunately I now work for a charity and we all take great pride in wearing 2nd/3rd hand clothing, prefarably retrieved from recycling bins Grin.

OpenThePickles · 05/11/2017 18:39

*You can not dictate to a grown man how he dresses.

You can only control your own reaction. You either deal with your shallowness or you need to leave*

Is there not an inbetween? And it's not shallowness to expect your partner to take care of himself and look smart when occasion needs. He can slob about the house and make an effort outdoors.

fashunn · 05/11/2017 18:43

It’s unattractive wearing tatty ‘home clothes’ out of the house and it is embarrassing if money isn’t a concern. It would be like a woman wearing a onesie or pjs out for dinner, or a top with baked beans smeared down it. Scruffy.

Yes there’s always times when we have a busy day/feel down/can’t be bothered etc, but this is how he dresses 24/7. Why is he choosing to constantly wear tatty, ripped, stained, oversized, slobby items?

Realistically if he is dressing ‘ok’ atm, OP wouldn’t have a problem as no one would notice his clothes? She’s embarrassed because the people that see him out notice his messier than average attire - which should tell you that it’s not just OP being high maintenance/shallow, he’s generally giving off a slobby image

kastiekastie · 05/11/2017 18:46

sounds like if you covered it in bleach, he'd still wear it. We don't know if he's ever dressed up but, have you thought of telling him how you feel? That it makes you feel like he doesn't value you you etc, it might work?

I told my ex how he had a great arse and should really show it off more in less baggy trousers, picked out shirts that looked 'really sexy' on him etc.

He asked me to go clothes shopping with him, I did and he looked great. He was still a twat though and we're not together now. Clothes were the least of our worries!

Motoko · 05/11/2017 18:49

Some men just don't like shopping for clothes, so they're quite happy wearing what they have until it falls apart.
I have a friend like that. His partner sometimes buys him a new item of clothing, but he always looks scruffy. Even at work, he wears un-ironed shirts that are not even tucked into his trousers.

OP, you're not being unreasonable. Perhaps get him some new joggers, jeans and tops, and throw away the stained, ripped stuff. (But keep a tatty outfit for when he does any 'dirty' jobs, like painting or gardening.)