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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be seen out with DP

188 replies

BhajiAllTheWay · 04/11/2017 10:42

Here's the thing..I know clothes shouldn't make a difference but...I'm really embarrassed by how he dresses. He will wear baggy ripped joggers ( not actual in fashion, just torn), nylon jackets..baseball cap (because he likes them). Its not a money issue as he could afford some new gear. I even bought him a gift card at Xmas and he said he'd buy some new gear. No idea what happened to it but he didn't. I work in a professional job and am by no means a fashionista but I do dress smart. I honestly dread bumping into anyone I know. He is downright scruffy. AIBU? I've complimented him loads when he does look smart e.g. we went to a family wedding ( his side). He looked great. Next day he was in jeans with a hole big enough to put your head through..maybe I'm not worth making the effort for?? He was proud that his uncle had given him some jumpers so hed not have buy anything. (they were tatty)I honestly don't know what to make of it.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 05/11/2017 18:50

Thres a difference between looking casual and being like a tramp.To me it sounds like he might have depression or some other mental health problem to be dressed as badly as that.
If its your husband/partner who you live with I'd just buy him all new things and wait till he went to work and throw the rest away in a public bin or burn them so he cant get them back.
I'd talk to him about how shown up you feel regarding him dressing like a tramp and that if he doesnt make some effort you'll be off.
I had a friend like this and it made me feel sick walking next to her. She was loaded and had no financial issues she just wore rags because she couldnt be bothered.
Its not about being the height of fashion is about being tidy and looking presentable.

Coastalcommand · 05/11/2017 18:52

Could you get him some new clothes from the charity shop?

PumpkinSquash · 05/11/2017 18:53

Double standards on MN never cease to amaze me. Can you imagine the responses a male sounding user name would have got if he said he was embarrassed to be seen with his wife as she was too scruffy?
I'm sure the responses would have been exactly the same.
"That'd be a dealbreaker for me!"
"Have a bonfire!"
"An "accident" with some bleach!"

FFS.

Mittens1969 · 05/11/2017 18:56

I do get it, OP, I would hate it if my DH dressed like a slob. He dresses smartly and I like that about him. I’m not particularly fashion conscious but looking like a slob isn’t great in a grown man.

The problem is, you won’t change him so it’s about whether you can live with the way he dresses.

MaisyPops · 05/11/2017 18:59

I don't think it is pumpkin.

This isn't 'i don't like his style and think he shpuld dress how i like' it's 'my DP used to be reasonably presentable but now can't be arsed to wear clothes that are clean and in reasonable condition'.

If a man said My DW used to dress reasonably (e.g. casual bit nice) but now she's wearing leggings which are thinning and have holes in them stained t shirts and hoodies covered in bobbles. I'm not saying she has to he done up all thr time but is it too much to ask that she stopa wearing stained tops? I'm feeling a bit resentful because I'm still trying ti make an effort, nothing fancy or anything. It makes me feel like she isn't bothered about me. then I'm sure the women would get thr same response.

Man or woman - don't wear scruffy, stained, ripped etc clothing in public as you general way of dress.

YoloSwaggins · 05/11/2017 19:01

I don't think it's shallow - I tell my BF that I prefer chinos/shirts to the trackies and hoodies he has and think everyone should take pride in their appearance, men and women. He'd be well within his right to say it to me if I suddenly started wearing a khaki parka and see-through ripped leggings with my bumcrack poking out.

RainbowBriteRules · 05/11/2017 19:01

Just from the other side, I get how your DH feels. I have loads of ripped clothes but draw the line at stained. I keep meaning to wear make up etc but it all seems such a faff. I only buy clothes for myself if absolutely desperate as we don’t have loads of money and so i prioritise clothes and activities for DC.

I really don’t care what clothes people wear. I have just wasted money on a new dress for DH’s work Xmas do and he is now debating buying a new suit. It has really annoyed me as we could have spent that money on something useful and after a few glasses of wine nobody would have noticed if I was in a slightly scruffy dress.

Sallystyle · 05/11/2017 19:04

This is the very definition of shallow - caring more about how someone looks than who they are. So many people on this thread must have sad little lives.

Nah. I want my husband to be a wonderful person AND not dress in slobby ripped clothes. I care more about his personality but dressing the way OP's partner does in public that often would be a turn off for me.

And NWIH would I be buying him new clothes or throwing his old ones out. I don't want a man who I have to mother because they can't be arsed to look half decent.

Both me and DH have a very relaxed style. We don't often dress up but we both wear clothes that's aren't ripped, stained and tatty. Indoors we both have days where we might wear crappy clothing to lounge about in but we wouldn't go out in public wearing them.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/11/2017 19:14

I think the people saying it's not shallow of the OP to want her DH to present better are being a bit disingenuous.

It is shallow, of course it is. I'm more than happy to identify as shallow in this scenario, however. I'd hate it if this was my DH. I'd find it completely off-putting. Clothes make the man. Yes I'm shallow because I like him to look good, as I like myself to. I'm afraid I don't think being shallow in this instance is an insult in the slightest!

But just because I'm shallow about this particular thing, doesn't mean I'm shallow across the board, or that I can't see past appearances, or all sorts of other things. I know me, and I'm happy to be labelled 'shallow' about this, because I know my own character in relation to many other more significant issues.

It takes no more effort to put on decent clothing, as it does ripped, holey, stained clothing. But the difference in the person is vast.

YANBU. I hope you can sort it.

stevie69 · 05/11/2017 19:16

This is the very definition of shallow - caring more about how someone looks than who they are. So many people on this thread must have sad little lives.

But ........who they are and how they look are not mutually exclusive qualities. Each has a bearing, to some extent, on the other.

Plus: 'caring more about how someone looks than who they are' isn't actually the definition of 'shallow. It means: not exhibiting, requiring, or capable of serious thought. So, given that the OP IS giving the matter some serious thought, I wouldn't define her, or him, as Shallow

My life isn't sad (in my opinion anyway). I'm blissfully single, spend much of the time pleasing myself and, as such, am fortunately free of this type of issue.

pallasathena · 05/11/2017 19:18

He sounds like my sort of person!
I love people who retain a child like innocence when it comes to what other people think, trying to impress and just basic look at me style materialism.
I'd have given him a hug when he got all excited about getting a pile of old jumpers off his uncle.
The world is full of pouty posers - your DH sounds like a top bloke.

IrritatedUser1960 · 05/11/2017 19:19

You can be comfortable but not look like a scruffy chav and it's obvious you hate it.
If that was my partner I'd just say can you not smarten up a bit I'm ashamed to be seen with you. Can you imagine how our husbands would feel if we looked like shit all the time, stopped shaving, no makeup wearing baggy, scruffy, dirty clothing and baseball caps.
For all those saying OP should shut up and lump it - would your partner if you looked like that all the time? I think not.

RainbowBriteRules · 05/11/2017 19:22

I look like shit a lot of the time and hardly ever wear make up.

chatty1 · 05/11/2017 19:23

Try reverse psychology. He is not making an effort when going out with you, I wouldn't make it either. Dress really smart when you are about to go out without him and dress down when going out with him. Also it will be less embarrasing, it would just look like you both been jogging or doing some work in the garden. Good luck!

Liara · 05/11/2017 19:25

I never wear make-up and spend most of my time in paint-splattered track suits and t shirts with holes in them.

Dh doesn't mind one bit.

When I smarten up it's for me, because I want to. Not because it's imposed by anyone else.

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 05/11/2017 19:30

My DH was a bit like this when we met. He doesn't give much of a shit about his appearance at the best of times, but he'd just come out of a period of illness and depression and didn't have an item of clothing to his name.

I'm going to be honest, I did very gently and subtley encourage him to bin the old clothes and get new ones. I would "gut" all our wardrobes, my own included, in the name of decluttering, lift an old ripped shirt out and say "this is ripped so can I cut it up for rags?" once it was actually waved in front of him he'd agree. Comfort is his main priority, and he always puts himself last when spending money. So I'd buy him clothes for birthdays and Christmas but show him the clothes first. Soft, soft chinos and shirts. Nice clothes. I introduced him to the joys of tk maxx and he has seen the light.

Honestly, I get that some people would see it as interference, but I knew that with DH it was a self esteem issue. He didn't think he deserved nice clothes, or to look good. And i just thought that was a crying shame because DH is a beautiful, beautiful man. I'm not in to guys who are too concerned about their appearance but DH deserved to look good and to feel good. And now he does. It's been so great to see him treating himself to nice shirts or beard oil etc. I love him and he is a wonderful, kind, hard working man, and I want him to feel confident good about himself. Which he does

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/11/2017 19:54

My dh prides himself on having zero interest in clothes. He was still wearing the (very, very out-of-fashion) clothes his mother bought for him when we met in our early 20s. He can't stand shirts/suits (and fortunately has a job that doesn't call for formal wear). I buy all his clothes, basically a uniform - chinos with polo shirts for the summer and V-neck jumpers for the winter, in muted colours. I also send him for haircuts when he needs them - he would struggle to do that for himself because for whatever reason he has a genuine mild phobia of having his hair cut,. I don't like doing this, but he is entirely functional and tbh pretty fabulous in all other ways, so I put up with it.

He often wears stained/holey clothes to hang around the house/do housework/gardening, but even he would draw the line at wearing joggers to go out, let alone ripped ones (in fact at all). And as for baseball caps Hmm

So even with a dh like mine, I'm really not sure I could cope with yours. Sorry.

RainbowBriteRules · 05/11/2017 20:01

I would wear joggers when I go out. Not when I am with DH though as he would whinge.

MaisyPops · 05/11/2017 20:06

rainbow
I do wear joggers out and about.
The difference betwren me and the OP's DP is that mine are clean, not stained and not ripped.

RainbowBriteRules · 05/11/2017 20:11

I suppose I just don’t care. Especially if just nipping to the shops or something. Don’t tend to wear stained stuff though as I said.

Perhaps a bit different for me though as I simply cannot afford to buy new clothes constantly but the OP said that is not an issue.

Minifootballteam · 05/11/2017 20:30

I went through something similar with my ex hubby. The day he did the school run in his minion jama bottoms I almost cried. I found myself going out wearing his baggy clothes, trainers, hair ties up.
My friends ended up doing a big intervention and I pulled myself together but he didn't do the same. He piled on weight and slept all day. He was finally diagnosed with depression. Could your DP maybe have the same issues?

MrsGrindah · 05/11/2017 20:31

The OP isn’t trying to impose anything..she’s just saying his standards of dress have changed and now it’s making her uncomfortable. OP I understand exactly as that happened to me and my DH. It hit rock bottom when he turned up..to take me out.. in white tennis shorts that were yellowing, a shapeless tshirt that didn’t cover his belly ...and slippers! I soon realised there were two reasons why though 1. He’d put on a lot of weight and didn’t have much that fit him 2. He was signalling that he was no longer interested in putting in any effort to the relationship. I’m not saying that’s the case for you , but it definitely didn’t make me shallow!

NannyJones · 05/11/2017 20:55

My oh was very much like this when we met (at 18)
I managed to wean him off but positive reinforcement and telling him to pop some jeans on before we went out!

I swear he longs for a tracksuit and a cap but I'm like naaaah!

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 05/11/2017 20:57

I don't care what DH wears.

Papayamum · 05/11/2017 21:00

I couldn't be with someone who looked like he was from the ghetto

Grin why did this make me laugh?

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