To not want to be seen out with DP

[BhajiAllTheWay]

Here's the thing..I know clothes shouldn't make a difference but...I'm really embarrassed by how he dresses. He will wear baggy ripped joggers ( not actual in fashion, just torn), nylon jackets..baseball cap (because he likes them). Its not a money issue as he could afford some new gear. I even bought him a gift card at Xmas and he said he'd buy some new gear. No idea what happened to it but he didn't. I work in a professional job and am by no means a fashionista but I do dress smart. I honestly dread bumping into anyone I know. He is downright scruffy. AIBU? I've complimented him loads when he does look smart e.g. we went to a family wedding ( his side). He looked great. Next day he was in jeans with a hole big enough to put your head through..maybe I'm not worth making the effort for?? He was proud that his uncle had given him some jumpers so hed not have buy anything. (they were tatty)I honestly don't know what to make of it.

When you buy him clothes do you buy smart clothes? You could buy him some new track trousers & comfy jeans, which would look way better than now, but still be what he like to wear.

I can see why it bugs you, but if he is otherwise a decent person, and your relationship is good then I think it is worth trying to let it go. My DH really is not bothered by how he looks, and some of his outfits make me cringe a bit, but the good things about him more than make up for it. I'd far rather have scruffy but kind and decent, than smart and unkind. No one is perfect.

I also love a slob out, at home, but I wouldn't feel comfortable going out without making a bit of an effort. For me though, it makes me feel better. I love the way DH dresses, I think he looks great.

Well on the plus side OP, you will look groomed if you are accompanied by him even on your most ungroomed, 'ugly days'.

You cannot stay in this relationship if you are going to do what some posters further up the thread are suggesting, ie. taking his clothes, burning them, marching him off to buy news ones... those suggestions make me shudder. So controlling and the only men that would be with those women aren't ones that anybody would want to be wth. 'Local weirdo'

So, if this is actually a 'DP', ie. somebody you care about, then the only thing to do is have a really frank conversation about the way he dresses and tell him how it upsets you - but that it's about you, not him. Because he's an adult and free to dress how he wants to.

My husband wears combat stuff, all in black, with large pockets on his trousers that he fills with random crap and which knock stuff off the low tables all the time. He picks it up, I raise an eyebrow and that's it. I don't sweat the small stuff because now, if we go out somewhere, he asks me what I want him to wear - and I tell him. And he does.

Would I prefer it that he wears the 'going out' stuff all the time? Yes, because I don't 'do' casual myself ever, but that's my choice - and combats are his.

Decide on him - then tackle the clothes issue - or move on.

thanks for the replies, and to those who've said he should be able to wear what he likes, of course he should! But in reality it's not so clear cut is it? Yes he did look better at first. He doesn't make the effort. I'm talking ripped, stained, you name it. I do go out with him. I know it sounds awful and shallow and the rest. So for those who say it's ok...if you ran into your boss and were holding hands with someone who dressed like this.....would you not feel just a bit embarrassed? I'm not asking for full evening dress to go to Tesco am I?? But yes, we've been out and he's dressed down shall we say. I've had nylon waterproof trousers and kagoul for that !! Maybe I should do the same...

You can not dictate to a grown man how he dresses.

You can only control your own reaction. You either deal with your shallowness or you need to leave.

The OP is not trying to “dictate” to her OH. She has a point. It might help some people if they imagined themselves in her position. Walk the walk first.

I wouldn’t like it either. My dh wears t-shirts with massive holes in to work and horrible tracksuit bottoms around the house which makes me silently mad but luckily when we go out he like to not look like a scruff bag.

I'm pretty sure the reaction would be completely different if this was a man posting about how his (female) partner dressed.

It's not shallow at all.

@Ifailed

But it shouldn’t be, I make an effort for my DP and if I stopped he would be totally justified in being disappointed and addressing it with me.

ifailed Totally. You wouldn't get one single woman suggesting he destroyed her entire wardrobe either by throwing it out or upsetting bleach on it.

If he has changed over time, OP, I do think that IS a slightly different thing and you have more of a point. But you left that somewhat important point out of the original posting.

I don't think it is 'shallow' to expect a grown adult to put on clothes which are at least clean when going out socially.

If he used to make an effort and now doesn't then he does know the difference but doesn't bother.

Has he changed or was he always like that?
Exh was exactly the same but he was like it when I met him too. I think it's unfair to try and change him in those circumstances.
The change for me was when he stopped having his hair cut regularly and shaving. It aged him and made him look very unattractive. But at least he's an ex. Makes me laugh and wretch a little every time he sees the kids and I have to look at his greasy horrid ponytail

There's nothing wrong with trying to look nice for your partner, providing you're not wearing things that you don't like to please them. I dress to please myself and wear plenty of things that DH doesn't like, but it is nice when he comments that he thinks I look good.

There's nothing wrong with the OPs partner dressing in what he likes, just as there's nothing wrong with the OP not liking it.

Ltb is a bit extreme! But does suggest that it might be justified to do something reasonably drastic like binning all the ripped stuff and presenting him with some new stuff and insisting he wears it. If he's happy to accept hand me downs he'd accept clothing gifts, surely? Perhaps he simply hates shopping?

I don’t blame you.

My ex boyfriend used to wear American baseball tops and beanie hats all the time.

He was 36. It looked ridiculous. It was one of the reasons I couldn’t be with him.

With you OP.

If he was a slob wjen you met then I would have said you knew what ypu were getting but it sounds like his standards have dropped.

Stained, raggy clothes are for doing gardening/DIY in. That's it.

Expecting adults to not dress like slobs isn't exactly asking the earth.

cant think how hurt id be if this was my man discussing me like this down the pub with a group of people

kate
I'm not saying it's nice, but it is understandable.

Dressing in stained, ragged clothes all the time is slobby and to be refelects on the person.

I would view the OP's Oh Differently if it was 'AIBU to say he shouldn't go to Tesco in his scruffs. I would say YABU it's a one off to thr shops.

But she INBU for wanting him to look vaguely clean when they go out

I wonder whether there is anything more to his clothing choice than just not caring?
Does he feel comfortable in those clothes and they are like a comfort blanket for him which he wouldn't feel wearing new clothes?
Is he holding onto a time when those clothes were new when he particularly happy or was having a good time in live and doesn't want to let go of those memories by no longer wearing the clothes?
Does he like spending money on himself or not? If not, then it's probably not the easiest thing to do to go and buy new clothes...
Does he have to wear a uniform or something which he doesn't feel comfortable for his work? So feels the need to overcompensate with his most comfortable clothing when he isn't at work?

Have you spoken to him about this gently and asked him why he doesn't want to buy/wear new things? That's where I would start...

It's an anonymous forum kate

DH is in scruffy clothing most the time at home. Torn jeans, or stained dungarees. I tell him to wear it.

He doesn’t care about clothing and would otherwise come come from work and destroy a shirt and tie out in the garden or doing something else around the house.

Try and match him in baggy flannel PJ bottoms, ideally with Garfield prints. Add an old T Shirt with a cracked foam print. Finish the look with a stained bathrobe. If he doesn't object, drop the subject. If he does, there is your "See?" moment.

This would affect how i feel about my partner. I’d tell him I hate the way he dresses and yes it’s shallow, but it affects how attracted I feel to him.
Then let him decide whether to scrub up.
In some ways this is a deal breaker for me!