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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh made me feel like shit

183 replies

Vickytoria72 · 02/11/2017 10:15

Dh and I have 2dc a 6yr ds and 21mth ds. So my dh gets home from work sits down and the first thing he says to me is "you know that I love you". Now that got me wondering what he wanted/had done, he then looked at my stomach and without saying it implied I was fat. At first I was stunned then I had to leave the room and have a cry in the bathroom, he did come up stairs and apologise which I wasn't ready to accept. He knows how self conscious I am of my body at the best of times. It just took me back to when I was was bullied at school. I know my body is far from perfect, but I've only gone up from a size 12 to a 14 since we've been together. Aibu to still be upset with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vickytoria72 · 02/11/2017 12:49

Dh just rang from work to apologise again, he said he feels really bad for upsetting me and he shouldn't of gone about it the way he did and wants to know how he can make it up to me. Maybe a big bar of chocolate.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 02/11/2017 12:50

bluntness health reasons would be the only acceptable reason for either me or my DH to mention each other's weight. Everyones relationship is different though.

She is slightly overweight I doubt he is really worried about her health but maybe he is. Perhaps he could have mentioned the food she eats e.g. ive noticed you eating a lot of sugary foods (or whatever applies) I think he handled it badly and am surprised at the size she describes that he felt the need to mention it at all.

Shadow666 · 02/11/2017 12:55

I think your mental health comes first. He could have just how you were doing and if there is anything he can do to be more supportive. If he helps more at home, gives you more time to yourself, then you will have more time for self-care. Mums are often busy, work, taking care of the kids, housework, etc. that they just don't have the time or energy to take care of themselves. Putting more pressure on you when you are already feel stressed isn't very kind.

FieldsOfWheat · 02/11/2017 12:59

wants to know how he can make it up to me. Maybe a big bar of chocolate.

The irony

Notonthestairs · 02/11/2017 12:59

Vicky I am not surprised you are upset. I would be too (in fact i have been, similar comments have been made to me in the past by male friends and non-friends). So I get it.
Im not going in to whether your DH is a bastard/being helpful/twat/talking the truth. Only you can really assess what is going on there.

But how do you feel in yourself - do you want to lose weight but dont have time? Are you actually quite comfortable as you are?
Because I have comments when I actually felt fine in myself and been able to say "well yes I am overweight but at the moment losing weight isnt a priority so wind your neck in" and other occasions when I've been shocked but sort of needed it to get me started (spot the fluctuating dieter!).
What do you think should happen now?

Weebo · 02/11/2017 13:01

That's what the OP was aiming for, Feilds.

Weebo · 02/11/2017 13:03

Yolo when DH put on a lot of weight worryingly quickly I spoke to him about it respectfully.

I didn't just stare at his clearly larger stomach because that would have made him feel like shit.

PineappleSnapple · 02/11/2017 13:14

A Culture's perception of size is a funny thing imo.

PineappleSnapple · 02/11/2017 13:17

If he is worried about her weight, maybe its do do with her eating habits and he can sense that she is stressed out at the moment?

Maybe he could help her resolve the issue that is bothering her in her life?

He should probably work on his interpersonal skills

ofudginghell · 02/11/2017 13:17

He can make it up to you by paying your gym and swim sauna/steam subscription every month whilst doing the evening routine three nights a week so you can use the membership Grin
Getting fit and healthy ,gaining energy,some you time and a whole bunch of new friends at the same time will do wonders for your confidence op.

He didn’t go about it the right way but it’s similar to when posters are here telling their oh that they drink too much or smoke too much etc etc.
It’s for health reasons.
I have had a few chats with dh regarding the amount he was drinking and how he needs to look after his health as he’s no spring chicken.
Same goes for me though so we’ve both joined a gym.
He uses the gym three evenings a week while I take our dds swimming.
Means we all get some excercise and keeps the dc away from procrastinating on the internet.
It also means I’m getting fit and healthy and have so much more energy and am slowly toning up nicely.

It sounds like he really didn’t mean to upset you but at the same time is worried for your health.

PineappleSnapple · 02/11/2017 13:18

shadow666 absolutely agree with you

PandorasXbox · 02/11/2017 13:19

Talk to him tonight and explain why you’re upset.

MinervaSaidThar · 02/11/2017 13:20

messyjessy

he said he feels really bad for upsetting me and he shouldn't of gone about it the way he did and wants to know how he can make it up to me.

Satisfied now?

Urubu · 02/11/2017 13:21

Mmh it depends how your relationship usually is.
I know I would tell DH if he had put on weight, had bad breath or dandruff etc , and he would do the same for me. After some time together you can be straightforward.
I'd rather knownif DH wasn't impressed by my appearance for any reason - as long as it is then my choice to act on it or not.

ExConstance · 02/11/2017 13:22

11 stone is 13 lb over a healthy weight at 5'3" OP you have only 13lb to lose, then you can be free of your present worries, it is really very little. Of course you shouldn't feel in anyway unhappy with your shape with your child being so young it is hard to find time or motivation for diet and exercise but if it is an area of insecurity it is one you could fix pretty quickly - perhaps by Christmas if you have not got too many lunches to go to.

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl · 02/11/2017 13:27

I havent read all the f thread but that makes me so mad when I see posters saying that poor husband must have feel bad tackling the subject. That's because you don't tell someone to lose weight!

What are those gift of God do when they lose hair, get fatter or end up with their balls at knee height?

I bloody hate it when the answer to "x hurt my feeling by telling me I was fat" is "well maybe they have a point, what are you gonna do to lose weight?"

MinervaSaidThar · 02/11/2017 13:30

And the message I take from The Stepford Wives is woman should be allowed to be what they are without their husbands trying to reprogram them. Like OP's husband is trying to change OP.

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/11/2017 13:30

Well done for staying good natured after your thread went off the rails OP! It’s such a tricky subject, I’d be heartbroken if my DH thought I was overweight so I can see why you got so upset (I’ve definitely put on weight since dd but has he hasn’t mentioned it yet I’m telling myself he hasn’t noticed Grin)

VladmirsPoutine · 02/11/2017 13:31

You are overweight going by your stats but you're not obese.

Tbh honest yes, it's not always the best to hear criticism of ourselves but I would like to think that those who loved me the most would keep me in check.

Abuse, gas lighting aside - I respect my DP and friends for bringing me into line when I stray off the mark. As I would them. You know him the best and therefore where the sentiment came from.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 02/11/2017 13:33

wants to know how he can make it up to me. Maybe a big bar of chocolate.

Oh dear.

Yahdayah · 02/11/2017 13:36

It’s very hurtful and if I were you I’d be really upset, but what matters is how you feel about your body. If you aren’t happy then maybe this could be a good time to get his support and look at ways to make you feel better about yourself.

If you are happy then this also requires a chat with him.

Sending you a big hug x

Sandsunsea · 02/11/2017 13:36

You basically guessed what he was about to say because he glanced at your middle? It would have been better to let him talk. I think you maybe jumped the gun and over reacted.

moonmaker · 02/11/2017 13:39

To be honest , nobody can advise the op unless they know more .
Does he have form for being insensitive ? Was it a Mocking/ over critical glare or just a glance ?
Does he know from the past that this particular approach is upsetting or was it a one off?

MuminMama · 02/11/2017 13:42

I'm a bit unclear on whether he was definitely telling you you need to lose a bit of weight. If he was, I think he was being knobbish. You have a 21 month old, and you're a size 14, and don't need or deserve anyone telling you you're the wrong shape.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 02/11/2017 13:42

I would be angry with my DH if he didn't tell me he thought I'd put on weight, I rely on him to be honest with me and that includes telling me I'm not looking my best.