AIBU to not think it's fair to be expected to hand down all baby clothes

[Dec11boy]

DH and I have a 3 yo dd and a 10 month old ds. DH has two younger siblings, neither of whom have children yet. Recently my SIL said to my BIL (who is ttc) that he is lucky because he will "get all the clothes" meaning all my son and daughter's clothes. She also says things like "that's a nice top, I can't wait until my baby wears that." She's made it very clear that she expects us to hand over every item of clothing in both sexes, effectively meaning that she will never have to buy any kids clothing at all (I'm OCD and have kept everything folded and clean). AIBU to think this is not really fair for her to get handed for free what we are having to spend thousands on?

My dd 14 month old is 9 months younger than my sisters girl and my sister is expecting again in january, all of my nieces clothes were given to me and for dd and all of the too small stuff is in our mum’s loft waiting to see if she has another girl.

My mum buys my niece clothes and says in front of my sister that i will like it when it comes to me, so it is an expectation to pass it on.

Give it or don’t give it. You paid for it and can’t imagine with my first baby I’d have wanted second hand stuff if I could buy new, I liked choosing stuff for him and those clothes were worn by his 3 little brothers eventually too so not worth selling or handing on anyway as well worn and played in. Think she’s a bit cheeky just tell them once your finished having kids she’s welcome to them or not if you’d rather do something else with them.

Some people are so snobby with baby clothes, I think its nice that she is planning to use second hand items which I'm sure are in perfectly good order why wouldn't you share if your not having any more children.

"AIBU to think this is not really fair for her to get handed for free what we are having to spend thousands on?"

I think she's being grabby with the expectation BUT you are being mean not passing them on. Why would you not - it's your sister?!

I hate people who charge family for things. It's so cheap.

OP may want to give the outgrown stuff to her own friends/local refuge/charity. It's possible that what she resents is the SIL's expectation that she should have everything just handed to her and OP should have no choice in the matter.

I got given loads (from friends, from my parents' friends whose last DGC had outgrown clothes etc) and, as DS outgrew things, I passed on bundles to friends who were PG or had newborns over about the next couple of years. I made up the bundles according to sex and season (because I had been given some nice summer newborn stuff that DS never wore because he was an autumn baby) and when I realised that I didn't know anyone else who was PG or TTC then the rest went either via eBay or to the charity shop.

So sell them or give them to someone else. Why on Earth would you keep them out of spite?

Sorry, no way would I be giving the clothes to her, family or no family. Can't stand rude CF like her who expect things to be handed to them. I would feel ashamed making comments like she's made. I would gladly drive to the next town though and donate the clothes to a charity shop.

You seem offended mostly by her constantly asking/claiming your babystuff. Maybe you should just tell her you haven't decided yet what to do with it, and that you want to make more than one person happy with it? Tell her that friends gave you their babyclothes, and that you want to do the same for other people? And maybe add that you really don't like her constant begging.

I agree with Sennelier1 - I think it's the constant asking/demands and expectation that's the problem. Agree that you should say that it's up to you and it will be your decision as you may wish to hand things down to more than one person.

I've happily passed down lots of clothes - but the ones that I have decided I want to give away, and at the time of my choosing. If someone was demanding it of me I think I would dig my heels in too.

It's a nice, kind, and common thing to do. But all of that goodwill can go out of the window when someone is being as cheeky and demanding as that!

It is really cheeky of her to ask. Don't give her anything if you don't want to. I passed on loads of toys and bits to sil but she didn't ask. I hate grabbers.

I'm wondering what you plan to do with the clothing once it no longer fits your children and you don't plan on having more. I took great pleasure in passing on what I could from my now 3yo DS - especially to those who did really appreciate it. Realistically you can't save them all, OCD or not - kids clothes get stained/ripped/faded and wouldn't be in a reasonable condition to pass on so I wouldn't worry too much about someone who doesn't even have their own child yet wanting your hand me downs. While the expectation from your SIL is a little cheeky imo this is a pretty normal family attitude!!

Maybe she feels there's some special poignancy in her children wearing the same clothes that their cousins have?

I think you're being petty.

Goodness, it's entirely up to you what you choose to hand over! If you decide that you want to keep some back as keepsakes, or whatever, then do so - they're yours, you paid for them.

Never mind your SIL's (or BIL's, for that matter) expectations - YOU are the one in control of these things! Just decide what you're willing to let them have, and what you're not!

Up to you but I think it's a bit mean to not pass them on just because you had to pay for them so don't want them to get anything for free.

How wasteful and a little spiteful.

Has she not thought that perhaps you want to keep some items for sentimental reasons? What a strange woman. I'm all for passing things down because I would do it in a shot for my DB but to be hinting at it without any mention from you is plain weird

We haven’t bought an item of clothing yet, but have a small stack of clothes accumulating (due early January). We’re the first of siblings to have kids, we just say yes when people mention they have some clothes and would we like... one lady was absolutely delighted by the prospect of having somewhere to pass on all her stuff.

Does this mean that making an announcement that we are happy to find homes for people’s second hand baby stuff is grabby? Well so be it.

I’m a bit wow at spending thousands on clothes. So far we’ve spent £200 on a travel system from a friend of my sister’s. And umm that’s it.

I guess I feel it's unjust. We've done everything ourselves, from childcare to buying everything. We've had no help at all. It doesn't seem fair that we are going to be the only ones in the family ever buying clothes

Mean spirited attitude "I've spent lots of money, I want you to also spend lots, even though mine are literally just sitting there doing nothing".

I was with you to begin with, but your attitude is worse than theirs.

I have held on to tons of clothes. It's what I'm sentimental about. The kids toys, equipment, maternity wear, bottles etc. have all been loaned out or given away. I have two boys, so I've binned a lot that went through the second child that ended up worse for wear, but I still have bags full. We haven't completely decided if we are done with having children so once we've made our mind up we'll have a proper clear out of the clothes. I'd still want to hold on to sentimental items and newborn items.

I agree it's the assumption that you would give them to her that is annoying. I would never in real life assume ownership of anyone else's belongings. Especially when you are still using them!

FFS. You treat others how you would have liked to have been treated yourself.

I was abused as a child. I could go around ranting about how every other child should be abused to even the playing field, but that would make me a sociopath. I wouldn't wish what had happened to me on anyone.

If I can do this with something much worse, you can be a bit generous with a pile of sodding baby clothes. Use your struggle to try to ensure someone else doesn't have to. That probably means dividing the baby clothes between your relative and charity.

You never know how good deeds will come back at you. If everyone were generous in spirit, the world would be a much nicer place.

You don't have to pass them on for free, regardless of what your SIL says. You could decide that you are going to sell them, to use the money to buy bigger clothes (as nobody is in a position to hand down to you) and give her first refusal. You could do this with all of your DC's clothes, or just the nicer bits. It is up to you how you deal with this, not her.

Well I gave everything away to friends or anyone I knew that was having a baby. I still give away stuff when my kids grow out of it. I just kept a few items of clothing and toys for sentimental value. Maybe that's why I'm not rich though!

That's pretty mean!

This is what family is for. Don't be so tight!

Don't be so tight

That could equally be turned on the SIL with a, 'don't be so presumptuous!'

I’ve kept hold of a could of bags of clothes from when dd was little. The rest I free-cycled, gave to charity or sold on eBay. The only people I had to give to was my brother and his wife. They consistently treated us - especially me - abysmally. So no way would I have wanted to pass things onto them.

As is, they have a ds. I was mightily glad of this as sil would have been all over the clothes like a rash despite having screamed at me, my brother physically threatening me and physically hurting me, their dog biting my dd on the face as a baby etc.

I know that the decision not to give toys was met with disapproval from sil and my mother. But I don’t care. I didn’t want my dds things in their house. I just couldn’t stand it. My brother was spoiled and given everything as a child including power over me, which has made him a hideous adult. His presence made my childhood very difficult and the bullying continues into mature adulthood. I didn’t want him to take anything away from my parenthood. We are finally NC with them.

I would love to have a loving sisterhood relationship where we swap between eachother, treat eachothers children with care and respect. But I don’t have that. And it is really sad. The last time we saw sil was the day of my stepdads funeral (so dds grandpa) and sil screamed at my dd (8 at the time), called he manipulative because she was upset and crying over a toy.

We don’t know the back story and the history behind why you dont want to share. But no, you should not be forced. In you shoes, I would pretend you are also ttc and want to keep the clothes nice for your next baby. It may cause ructions, but it is your choice and your children’s clothes to give away when you are ready.