Abuse for not punishing my kids!?

[pinkliquorice]

I have never found traditional ‘punishments’ eg time out, sent to room etc to be helpful so my kids aren’t punished (of course they are spoken to and made to apologise when they misbehave. )
Over the last few years I have gotten in numerous arguments with my MiL, who is very strict and used to heavily punish DP, I have explained to her our parenting style and told her not to punish/shout at my children.
But she has continued to and has even claimed it is abuse that I don’t.
AIBU to keep this argument up unless she minds her own business and stops punishing my kids?
Would you let anyone else punish your children?

Yeah, I would if I was leaving the kids with someone else.

She doesn't get to punish your dc in her way, only your way. I wouldn't trust her to stick to your plan. Don't let her have them on her own.

I allowed grannies to tell them off if they needed it but not punishment my eldest is in 20s so smacked bum was a go to for both grans which we didn't do.

She rarely has the kids on her own (for this reason), she even tries punishing them in my house, when I am also there!

We don't either and never have. My parents are way stricter than us, but luckily do tone it down a lot out of respect for how we do things. My dad can have a bit of a sharp tongue though which I do have to watch.

But yanbu to parent how you see fit. I would always hope that anyone in loco parentis would respect your methods but if you can't trust them to I wouldn't entrust them to her.

Certainly I would not expect anyone else to deal with the situation if I'm there.

It depends on how obnoxious they were being and whose house you are in. I think if the behaviour is occurring in your MIL 's house then I might be inclined to support her right to punish as she sees fit ( assuming she's not OTT and she's not hitting them ). If it's in your house then that's a different kettle of fish. Remember that different generations will have been raised with corporal punishment and are highly likely to view " no punishment" as a grave parenting error. I'm afraid I suspect that I would support your MIL in this one but would be interested in further details of the behaviour being punished and the extent of punishment typically given for that behaviour by the both of you.

What sort of punishment?

they must be misbehaving for her to punish them? I think abuse is a bit strong, but not punishing your kids when they are naughty or disrespectful is a big mistake imo.

but equally I HATE it when people tell my kids off especially if it's something that I would allow them to do.

I agree with a pp we need more details before we can say who is being unreasonable.

I would want my children told that their behaviour was unacceptable by who ever was looking after them. But as for punishment, I've never punished as such but my children didn't do anything worthy of punishment until they became adults and then it's a bit too late! Obviously schools will have set punishments and these would need to be agreed before allowing child to attend the school. But for everyone else, No, I certainly wouldn't allow anyone else to 'punish' ( FGS if I'd allowed that my DF would have whacked my kids for spilling a drink!!!!)

She should follow your rules as they are your kids, not hers. I have dgc and I follow what the parents do.

I don’t punish in anyway, just talk to them until they apologise and stop, MiL has always been critical of this and we have gotten into many arguments over it. I would say it has been over a year since she has had them alone because of this, she used to let them go without dinner, send them to their room, naughty step, take objects away from them and properly shout at them. When at our house she will still intervene and tell them to go to the naughty step or to their rooms and I have to step in in front of them and tell them they don’t have to and then we argue.
This is all just normal little kid behaviour arguing over toys/answering back/shouting/throwing etc

Within reason if they are in charge they set the rules and punishments. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it wont work for them.

I wouldn't agree to look after anyone's kids if we couldn't agree on how to discipline them, and certainly not if I had to just "talk to them until they apologise and stop". Maybe find different childcare?

how old are the kids? can't you just tell them to behave when mil is coming over? that is the only solution I can think of. I can see both points of view and it sounds like she is acting out of love for them so it's a tricky situation.

YANBU and I'd probably try to avoid situations where it might happen, or dep on how old your kids are talk to them before she gets there to explain you are still in charge.. I'd not argue with her in front of them though as they could see that as confusing or licence to play up.

I don't know why so many people are into punishing kids for everything tbh. If someone punished an adult for saying something rude, arguing or throwing somethingv using some of the techniques parents use it would be a violation of human rights!

Why does she feel the need to punish them? What are they doing that requires her punishment?

Mumsnet is a bit punishment obsessed - whenever someone mentions their dc misbehaving you’ll get scores of posters suggesting things like removing treats or gadgets or cancelling trips .
I don’t punish my kids . I explain to them where they have gone wrong and model good behaviour . Often, bad behaviour bears it’s own consequences and I let that run its course . I’ll send them to their room or tell them off and I do say no (not to punish , Just when something is inappropriate , excessive or unsuitable etc)

She has had her turn at parenting already and should recognise it is your turn. She should respect your wishes and boundaries and has no right to try to control you.

You are the parents now. Not her. So long as your mil is being disrespected and your children aren’t running riot, I fail to see why she thinks you’re abusing your children. Sending children to bed without tea and smacking is abuse.

My little ones are 3 and 4, so the older ones know to behave but they are going to bicker and make mess etc because they are toddlers.
And I don’t use her as childcare because I can’t trust her not to punish my children, she tries to in my house when visiting and then I will get the I’m abusing by not punishing them rant again.

I told MIL and SIL I'd call the police if they hit my kids, same as I would if anyone hit me or either of them. They know me well enough to know I'm not messing around.

She sounds a nightmare op, don't invite her to your house anymore.