Abuse for not punishing my kids!?

[pinkliquorice]

I have never found traditional ‘punishments’ eg time out, sent to room etc to be helpful so my kids aren’t punished (of course they are spoken to and made to apologise when they misbehave. )
Over the last few years I have gotten in numerous arguments with my MiL, who is very strict and used to heavily punish DP, I have explained to her our parenting style and told her not to punish/shout at my children.
But she has continued to and has even claimed it is abuse that I don’t.
AIBU to keep this argument up unless she minds her own business and stops punishing my kids?
Would you let anyone else punish your children?

How often do you see her? Could you only see her when your dh is around and let her rant at him?

how old are the children. what is she punishing them for. and what form of punishment is she issuing.
scolding them verbally, making them do time out, or taking away toys are all very reasonable.
in many ways if you don't discipline your children at all you are doing them a massive disservice.
no one likes feral children visiting...the kind that jump from the coffee table to the sofa, hide behind the sofa with a pair of scissors...or use a fork to "comb" the dogs hair

If she’s in your house and does that in front of you, tell her to leave.

How naughty or how much are they misbehaving? Sometimes simply talking to children over and over again, especially if they are repeatedly playing up does not work and a time out or taking away toys is more effective. If, however, it is over something like knocking over a drink or having a short strop then it's harsh.

You are the parent so it’s honestly not up for debate.

I’d tell her no matter what she thinks, she doesn’t get to look after them unless she follows your rules on punishment.

I wouldn't want her in my house if she behaved like that.

If she chooses to coniynue she's choosed not to have a relationship with her grandchildren, sounds like it will be her loss

They're only 3 and 4!

If MIL has form for this (i.e at least a few years) then she must've been trying to punish babies!

I see mums who never punish their kids and honestly, the kids are hateful little shits who are rude, gobby and difficult. But obviously a parent would never admit to this as they are too biased.
Outsiders will have less patience with this kind of behaviour and see the kids more realistically and not through rose tinted spectacles.

You can rarely reason with little kids about certain bad behaviour, they don't seem to understand many things and even if they do at the minute you are saying it, they will forget it within 5 minutes and go back to do the same thing again. If you never punish kids they will never learn and will keep repeating the same pattern until an outsider will get cross with them and they are not going to like it. So do them a favour and start disciplining them before the outside world will do it for them.

And no, shouting, answering back and throwing things around is not normal little kid behaviour where I am coming from. You sound like a soft and weak mummy.

DP works away often and has a very strained relationship with his mum, so she really only visits to see her grandchildren when he is away.
My kids do love her and she can be lovely, so I would want completely cutting contact with her to be a last resort.
But I am so tired of my parenting being criticised in front of my children and having to tell her (again in front of my children) not to shout at them and that they don’t have to go to the naughty step or have their toy taken away.
I know I shouldn’t be undermining her in front of them but I can’t let them be punished.

Are they punished in school/nursery? How do you feel about that?

Can you give us some exact examples? My 3.5yo gets a warning and a chance to make better when he pushes his little brother. Next time he gets a time out to sit and think on the step.

It does sound like you're in a difficult situation. Maybe try seeing her outside your home (park, cafe) for less time and tell them to be on their very best behaviour? My kids know they have to behave extra specially well at gran and grandpas so they don't show me up

I wouldn't be seeing her as often and I'd be telling her why. One time I got sick of my MILs passive aggressive snide remark about my parenting that I calmly told her that I'm sure she'd have appreciated her PILs criticising her parenting (I know for a fact she didn't) - funnily enough she's never done it again.

Your MiL is in the wrong to undermine you.

But I can’t get my noggin around the idea of never punishing a child ever.

How are they going to cope with the car crash that is life??

I hate punishment but I do believe in consequences. My kids were warned there would be a consequence if they continued doing something, then if they didn't stop by the time I counted to 3, they actively "chose" that consequence.
Can you come to an arrangement that Mil can warn there will be one of a small range of agreed consequences and that you will back her up if she warns them first?
At that age they won't listen to just talking. I can imagine your mils frustration if you never do anything.

I know I shouldn’t be undermining her in front of them but I can’t let them be punished

You are actually undermining yourself

You are telling the children their behaviour is acceptable and they don't have to listen to another adult

You and your MIL are wrong

Kids need disapline (how you chose as a parent - and this needs communicating effectively to MIL)

BUT the message should be I will deal with my kids in my home - there is nonneed for you to get involved

op it's seriously dreadful going to visit people who let their little ones run roughshod. why not ask a few of your closest friends or your own mom how she feels when she visits?
next suggestion would be timing? is there a particular time of day when the little ones are more docile, the pre supper time and post supper time hour can be horrible. but a mid day visit at the park might be more enjoyable for everyone.
if the kids like her, then surely they are not bothered by her rules??

Well someone has to discipline them if you don't....

@DressedCrab

Their not, their spoken to made to stop, apologise or share etc but they are not 'punished'.

@Pengggwn

I just dont think its the best option, I've seen it lead to children misbehaving more and hating their parents. I find it more succesful to sit and talk to my children, explaining what they did wrong and then praising them for good behaviour. Obviously different techniques work for different children and different parents, but I could never put my children on the naughty step or in their room, not give them dinner etc

@Silverthorn

Some examples from her visit yesterday:
3 and 4 year old were 'bickering' over toy, (It was more playful and they werent shouting or hurting each other) She told them they should put all their toys away.
7 year old said damn and she told him he should go back up to his room untill he learns not to swear ( I have no problem with him saying damn)
Put 4 year old on naughty step for smashing his toy train into the sofa
Their were also times when they were being cheeky etc and I was dealing with it but she kept making comments that they should be sent to their room or made to sit outside.

But you haven't told us why she is shouting at them and telling them to sit on a naughty step? I'm guessing she isn't just doing this for fun?

You see the naughty step or sent to rooms is about giving the child space to calm down or reflect. It's not meant as a punishment but as a tool most adults use later in life.

If I'm angry I walk away until I calm down, if a situation is bothering me I sit and think about it and how things went wrong and what to do next

You are doing them a disservice by not teaching them the technique

No wonder some children grow up thinking they can do and say what they like.

x-post!