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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to give up my seat, I am 54, for a child, about 6 yrs old, on the underground?

204 replies

losmn · 31/10/2017 19:01

Sitting on a very busy underground train. 2 ladies and 2 children get on. One child, under 2, in push chair and 'mum' holding second child, 6 ish. Mum then walks in between seats with 6 yr old and asks if someone can please give up seat for her child. Mother nor child seem distressed or unable to stand. Lady in her 60s ish gets up for child, at next stop passenger adjacent to child and lady in her 60s gets off the train so mum and child seat together. No issues whatsoever. In fact are now chatting away happily ??? Comments please.

OP posts:
Merida83 · 31/10/2017 20:22

YANBU. If she wanted her to sit too surely she could of held her on her knee.

RippleEffects · 31/10/2017 20:23

I was on the tube with 6yo DD1 and asked someone to move a bag for DD to sit down a few days ago. She is disabled but you wouldn't necessarily know by a cursory glance, depending on how she is at that moment in time.

6 and not familiar with the tube, in our case, is young and its hard to learn to hold on, balance and deal with the noise, smells, bustle, movement, heat. Her 14 yo brother looks disabled now, I never thought that could be a positive! I can ask for the priority seat for him and people don't anylonger question when they look at him - she has and does sit on his knee so long as he's feeling reasonably stable.

NataliaOsipova · 31/10/2017 20:23

YANBU. If she wanted her to sit too surely she could of held her on her knee.

In fairness, I do agree that the polite thing for the mother to have done was to sit the child on her knee....

VivaLeBeaver · 31/10/2017 20:25

I remember when dd was about 4yo, maybe 5yo and we were on a busy but not packed tube. I was holding the pole and she was struggling so I told her to sit on my feet. A man offered us his seat which I was very grateful for.

CatsAreKool · 31/10/2017 20:26

Given some of the responses on here, I now understand more fully why I wasn’t offered a seat on the tube very often when pregnant

eddiemairswife · 31/10/2017 20:31

When I was a child it was quite usual for a seated adult to offer to sit a child on their lap. Not today ,however. Any strange adult who shows an interest in a child must be a paedophile!

Stickerrocks · 31/10/2017 20:32

Pregnant lady, definitely. Child, nope.

RafikiIsTheBest · 31/10/2017 20:34

mum holding second child, 6 ish
holding as in carrying? Surely this suggests there might be more to it than just a typical 6 years old. The child may of have a really long day and be shattered or actually have a health issue?

If I could, I would give up my seat in this situation. Sometimes I'm the one who needs a seat, but usually on my worse days I know in advance and have a stick with me.... usually an older chap gives up his seat for me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2017 20:35

This thread is quite the shit-grenade, isn't it?

I think part of the issue for children on public transport is that a lot of people don't actually treat them like human beings. They don't say, "excuse me" or walk around them. They look annoyed and expect them to move. My 6yo DD knows to say, "excuse me". Why don't adults afford her the same courtesy?

NataliaOsipova · 31/10/2017 20:37

My favourite story of public transport kindness is when I got on a packed commuter train with my two small DDs one Friday evening, bang on rush hour. We'd been to the theatre, but I still should have thought twice about it. It's particularly difficult to hold on when you're on these trains.

No sooner had we got on, then about 10 men all leapt up and offered us their seats. I was surprised - but very grateful - and accepted the two nearest ones (with appropriate thanks) for the girls. The young man nearest to me then offered his seat to me. At this point I said, "No - really - you're incredibly kind, but if the girls are okay then I'm perfectly fine to stand. Anyway, you've been at work all day and I've just been a bit of a twit deciding to come home in the rush hour."

He stayed in his seat until the next station, at which point he stood up again, slightly uncomfortably, and said "No, please, love - sit here. I'm fine to stand and I'd really like you to sit down here with your kiddies". I smiled and sat down at this point, thanked him effusively and wished him a good weekend.

That's always stuck with me because it was so kind and thoughtful. And, really, that should be the yardstick by which we measure good manners, shouldn't it? Not by order of age or gender.

roundaboutthetown · 31/10/2017 20:38

On a packed tube, I don't think it's fair to expect a small child to stand - they are exactly the right height to get constantly thwacked around the head by people's bags as they get on and off, and also to be physically dragged out of the tube train by a rush of people pushing to get off. Even as an adult, I've nearly been dragged off a tube train by a throng of pushing people and would have been terrified if I'd had a child with me at the time, being dragged out of my reach. On a moderately full train, it's less of an issue, so I would not expect anyone to give up their seat, although if a child has spent the day being dragged around London by their parent and whining about being tired and wanting to go home, I can see why a parent might ask! I cope a lot better as an adult walking round London all day than I did as a small child.

Etymology23 · 31/10/2017 20:40

The mother didn't have a seat when she asked for one for her child.

I have a long term health condition. Sometimes if I'm well I can stand. Often, especially on the tube where it's often really hot, I really struggle. I don't generally look disabled. (Though I have sometimes looked ill enough to be asked on the tube whether or not I'm alright!) If I had had this condition when I was six I also wouldn't have looked disabled. I might well have still needed a seat, at least more than an able bodied adult. For this reason it frustrates me that we assume that someone asking for a seat is assumed to be for an able bodied person.

MyWhatICallNameChange · 31/10/2017 20:42

My son has SEN and when he was 6 he couldn't even walk down the road without falling over and face planting the floor, bump into things etc. I would definitely have prioritised him sitting on a tube or bus over me.

My 15 yo also has learning disabilities and would get very distressed if he couldn't sit down on public transport, so he would also get a seat while I stood.

Yet they both look completely "normal" so no doubt I would have been judged.

Maybe next time I'll put them both on my lap. Wink

KERALA1 · 31/10/2017 20:43

I was always taught as a child to give up my seat for an adult. When did it switch over?!

StudentMumArghh · 31/10/2017 20:45

I'm fed up of the expectation that children should give up their seats for other adults! I hate how some people perceive children like they are somehow beneath us adults.

If a person needs a seat get up off your fucking arse, don't make your child do it.

hamburgler · 31/10/2017 20:45

When we stopped shutting disabled kids away in homes, KERALA1, and started treating kids as human beings.

upperlimit · 31/10/2017 20:46

I think if you are more worried about being respected than being kind, then you are a bit of an ass.

Cheby · 31/10/2017 20:46

I think that if someone is brave enough to stand in a busy tube carriage and loudly ask for a seat, then the safest thing is to assume they probably need one, and stand if you are able to.

Yes there may be some cfs about out to steel a seat from under unsuspecting commuters, but there are probably not very many around. If she said her DC needed a seat she probably had good reason to.

Oh and all this children should stand for adult bollocks can fuck off. Why? It makes no sense. Children are people too. Just because you were forced to do it as a child doesn't mean it's right.

NataliaOsipova · 31/10/2017 20:47

I used to have work related dealings with a group of (posh) chaps who had clearly been taught that a gentleman never sits while a lady is standing. If we ever went out for lunch, it was rather embarrassing if I needed to pop to the loo as the entire conversation would stop, there would be a huge pause and much scraping as the entire table leapt to its feet. And the same happened when I came back. I think "all children should give up seats for all adults" is a little in this vein. It belongs in another era.

User375169 · 31/10/2017 20:47

Personally I give up my seat or offer it to anyone I think may need it more than me. A 6 yr old? I would definitely offer.

NataliaOsipova · 31/10/2017 20:49

Personally I give up my seat or offer it to anyone I think may need it more than me

Agreed!

PorklessPie · 31/10/2017 20:49

I believe unless you really need the seat then as an adult the decent thing to do is give up a seat for a child. Respect works two ways, my children are not brought up to respect random adults. Actually you would earn more respect by giving up the seat.

Trafalgarxxx · 31/10/2017 20:50

cheby Ive never thought that asking for a seat loudly was a brave thing to do tbh....
I do think there are (and have seen) quite a lot of CF around, in public transport...

bunerison · 31/10/2017 20:51

I have a perfectly able bodied 7 year old with no SEN. I would never ever expect anyone to give up a seat for him and would no accept one. I also expect him to give up his seat and sit on my knee if there's an adult standing. I think it's polite and good manner

Stickerrocks · 31/10/2017 20:52

If parents with children who are perfectly capable of standing made them stand, then parents with children who were unable to stand would be exceptional if they asked for a seat. Then adults would be more inclined to stand, as they would assume the child was in genuine need. The problem is that too many people who don't need a seat demand them for their precious little snowflakes, so people naturally assume that everyone asking for a seat is simply taking advantage of their good nature & doesn't have a genuine need.