Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Photos of ex-wife

208 replies

rightroyal · 30/10/2017 20:17

DP and I have been together three years. We visit his mum fairly regularly, she's very independent with a very busy life and is not a poor lonely widow.

DP was with his ex for 20+ years but their relationship broke down about 5 years ago.

Here's the AIBU. His mum has two very large photos of DP and his ex on the walls plus a selection of their wedding photos. One in the dining room I look at whilst enjoying a meal at her house.

AIBU to be pissed off by these pictures? Her house her rules I get it, but FFS!

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 30/10/2017 20:19

Yes its a bit silly of her. I would mention it to DP and hopefully he will ask her to take them down. It may be that she is just disorganised and hasn't thought to take then down.

Dairymilkmuncher · 30/10/2017 20:21

That woman will feel like a daughter to her for over 20 years!

I know that if me and DP ever spilt his mum would still have me come to stay and would still have my photos up and the same with my DM with him because he would still be her son...

grannysmiff · 30/10/2017 20:21

Fuck no! Not right.

Hassled · 30/10/2017 20:21

If she's otherwise warm and welcoming and accepting of you, I'd grit my teeth and try to ignore (although I can see that would be hard). Did your DP and his ex have children - do the pictures of her maybe stay up for the kids' sake?

nc1080 · 30/10/2017 20:22

YNBU. That would drive me nuts. But I’m petty when it comes to this kind of stuff. I hate seeing any photos of DHs ex. They were together for over a decade and met when they were young-ish (at university) so lots of old family holiday photos include her in them. Yuck. Can’t stand it.

SeaSawRocker · 30/10/2017 20:24

YABU my granddad has photos of all of his 3 daughters weddings and their past husbands scattered around his home, they've had 7 weddings between them and marriages varying in length from 1 year to a quarter of a decade. These people where family at some point so they show his/his childrens lives changing etc. I think it's sweet.

Original poster
rightroyal · 30/10/2017 20:25

Yes they have two children. There are lots of pics of the kids, obviously as she's their grandma but the kids are not in the photos of the two of them.

She is not like a daughter to her. She's not seen her for 5years and is not particularly complimentary of her.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 30/10/2017 20:27

Possibly as someone has said, she just hasn’t thought to remove them.

Maybe a word with dh is needed.

Original poster
rightroyal · 30/10/2017 20:27

@seasaw I wonder if you'd find it "sweet" if your DH/DPs ex was in your face at meal times?

OP posts:
Dairymilkmuncher · 30/10/2017 20:29

If they aren't close and don't see each other often that is strange then.

I just got sad reading that thinking of time my second mum wouldn't want my photos up Sad I'm not planning on splitting from dpany time soon so don't have to worry.

TickedOff · 30/10/2017 20:30

Sounds like she just hasn’t thought.

How often do you go to her house?

TickedOff · 30/10/2017 20:31

Doesn’t your dp think to say anything?

FenceSitter01 · 30/10/2017 20:33

Why are you so insecure?

SpotAGuillemot · 30/10/2017 20:36

I'm in process of splitting from dh. I'd be really sad if mil took all the photos of us down.

You can't just demand people edit their past because you don't like it.

IAmTheDragon · 30/10/2017 20:38

I think it's sweet too OP. Unfortunately how she chooses to decorate her home is nothing to do with you.

You can't erase your DP's past, nor can you ignore it. I think your brain-space would be better used up working out how you can get over the jealousy/insecurity/whatever is going on, rather than working out how to adapt his mother's decor to your liking.

GirlsBlouse17 · 30/10/2017 20:39

What does dp think about it?

cardibach · 30/10/2017 20:41

I’ve just spent the weekend at my ex in laws’ 50th wedding anniversary party. I’ve been divorced from their son for about 20 years. I stayed at my ex’s house, with his wife and kids. Nobody felt uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s because we’re all grownups.

Halloweenwitch · 30/10/2017 20:41

Yabu. Sort of. it's the children's mother so if their parents were never together then her grandchildren would not exist.
The children need to know that at one point their parents loved each other and that is why they exist. Without her previous dil she would not have her grandchildren and you can't wipe out the past.
However she maybe doesn't need two large photos and a selection of wedding pics that is a bit much. So perhaps your dp could get her to minimise some of it.

Original poster
rightroyal · 30/10/2017 20:43

I'm not insecure, I'm extremely secure in my relationship and I'm not demanding she edits anything I just think it's bad manners with no thought for the current relationship. I'm certain DP doesn't want to be reminded of her either. If it was a new set up then I could kind of get it.

OP posts:
Bea1985 · 30/10/2017 20:43

I think she needs to take them down or move them somewhere less obvious at least. She's not close to the ex wife, there is no reason for the, to be there any more. She should replace them with something more up to date. I dont think you're insecure, you're normal and I'm amazed that neither your mother in law nor your husband has realised that this might be upsetting/annoying. It's just not appropriate to have memorabilia of an ex over the dining table...., people move on. Id be asking DH to speak to his mother.

RedForFilth · 30/10/2017 20:43

It's her house! Invite her for meals at your own house if you don't like it. I was with someone whose parents had a few photos of his ex up. Didn't bother me at all! They have kids together and she is part of his family. It probably made me like his parents even more because I knew they were nice, family oriented people.

I have a son with my ex and his parents have photos with me in them everywhere! And we were only together 3 years but they are my family and totally see me as part of their family too.

Original poster
rightroyal · 30/10/2017 20:45

Ok so I'm an insecure child. Thanks. Ever thought of walking in someone else's shoes whilst you're hoiking up those judgy pants?

OP posts:
WineGummyBear · 30/10/2017 20:47

It's a little odd but more important are the relationships in the present. If she's welcoming to you and you are secure in your relationship with your DP it doesn't really matter.

cowbag1 · 30/10/2017 20:47

I think it depends on who's in the photos. If it's just your DP and his ex then yes, that's a little weird. But if they're group family shots I can understand why she wouldn't want to ditch the whole photo just because of one person in it. I can think of loads of examples like this in people's homes I've been to, where there's an ex within a group shot.

bingbongnoise · 30/10/2017 20:49

I get why you're pissed off, but the woman has every right to have who she wants on her wall. And your man and his ex were together 17 years longer than YOU have been with him. Your DP's mother probably thinks a lot of this woman, and the kids. I don't envy you having to compete.

YANBU to be annoyed.

YABU to expect her to take the pics down. Her house, her rules.

If I was her, I would not be taking them down. I would be telling you to not look, and get over yourself. Sorry to sound harsh, but you really have no right telling her to take these pics down. Like it or not, this is her family. Her son and this woman may be split up now, but she is still family, and so are the kids.

I would be interested to know what your partner thinks of this. You have discussed it with him I trust???