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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Photos of ex-wife

208 replies

rightroyal · 30/10/2017 20:17

DP and I have been together three years. We visit his mum fairly regularly, she's very independent with a very busy life and is not a poor lonely widow.

DP was with his ex for 20+ years but their relationship broke down about 5 years ago.

Here's the AIBU. His mum has two very large photos of DP and his ex on the walls plus a selection of their wedding photos. One in the dining room I look at whilst enjoying a meal at her house.

AIBU to be pissed off by these pictures? Her house her rules I get it, but FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
rightroyal · 31/10/2017 16:37

Good question - perhaps they have secret afternoon tea every week and go to wist together. They can share stories about the wedding and all the fun times they've had together.

OP posts:
Halloweenwitch · 31/10/2017 20:21

Do you have children op?

LagunaBubbles · 31/10/2017 20:26

I think all the nonsense surrounding the children's emotions is spouted by those of you who probably claim your children are your biggest achievement (his references a recent post so hope I'm not TAATing)

Nope my biggest achievement was getting my Nursing degree in Mental Health nursing which has allowed me to get my job working as a Nurse Therapist in a NHS Psychotherapy clinic, dealing with adults who have been left with emotional difficulties because of their childhoods.

NotSureIfiAmWell · 31/10/2017 20:26

We split 4 months ago after 20 years together. MIL said my photo will always be displayed in her home.

Halloweenwitch · 31/10/2017 20:41

Actually your comment about ‘women who say their biggest achievement is their children’.
Well mine is. I have a good almost full time job. But my ds is lovely he really is my biggest achievement despite everything else that I have done. I know my in laws are always grateful to me for having him Grin
If you do have children I’m sad for them that they aren’t your biggest achievement.
My guess is you don’t have children however.

iBiscuit · 31/10/2017 20:52

Nice Hmm

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2017 22:25

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HicDraconis · 31/10/2017 22:37

You're being unreasonable.

My Dad has lots of pictures of family up - me, my children, my siblings, their children - and yes, some of the family groups have me with ex partners. They were a part of my life then and by extension a part of my family then (significant birthdays, weddings, balls - any occasion for a portrait photo!). They are displayed all over the house including in the spare bedroom where DH and I sleep when we stay there. DH isn't at all bothered by sleeping in a room surrounded by pictures containing me with an ex. I wouldn't dream of asking Dad to take them down, his photos and framing are a hobby and he gets a lot of pleasure from it and them. I wouldn't be bothered if there were pictures of DH and an ex in his mother's home either.

Your MiL chooses to display these photos in her home. Suck it up, or don't visit her there.

sofato5miles · 01/11/2017 03:32

@rightroyal pain in the fucking arse. No, my children are simply the next generation. After experiencing a similar step mother to you, I know the dangers of insecure egos.

There was a 20 year marriage, it existed, and for the children it is important that it is recognised and validated in a kind way.

If you cannot understand that, intuitively, then you will be fighting and hurt throughout your relationship with this man.

ScaryMary81 · 01/11/2017 04:13

You could give her some nice large framed pics of you and dp as an xmas gift Wink

QuackPorridgeBacon · 01/11/2017 14:53

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iBiscuit · 01/11/2017 17:54

FFS why do people feel the need to comment on whether or not an op has children of their own, and then go on to pity any they do have?

It is largely irrelevant, and deeply unpleasant.

On the plus side it does at least flag up the nasty fuckers.

rightroyal · 01/11/2017 18:24

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Fifthtimelucky · 02/11/2017 06:56

My husband and his ex-wife were married for about 2-3 years and divorced nearly 40 years ago, long before I met him (we’ve been married for 25 years). His ex-wife has stayed in close contact with her (and my) mother in law. They don’t see each other often (too far away) but there are regular (weekly-ish) letters and phone calls. Ex-wife calls mother in law “mum”.

My mother in law sees both her son’s ex-wife and me as her daughters, and treats all our children as her grandchildren, though only 3 are actually blood relations (my children and the ex-wife’s eldest). She loves us both. The existence of the ex-wife was no reason for her not to love me. The ending of her son’s first marriage was no reason for her to stop loving her daughter in law.

There are no photos on display from either of my husband’s weddings, but I genuinely wouldn’t have a problem if it if there were photos from his first wedding. Nor do I have a problem with the continuing contact, which benefits both parties concerned and does no one any harm. Why would I expect my mother in law to stop a loving relationship with someone she knew long before she knew me, just because I am now married to her son? Why would she stop taking an interest in that person’s children (and now her grandchildren)?

My mother in law has a big heart. There is plenty of room in it for all of us.

bluebells1 · 02/11/2017 07:23

YANBU OP! What the hell happened to everyone on here? OP, have you tried asking your MIL as to why she still has the photos up? If not an emotional thing, ask her politely if she would mind removing them from the walls.

If she replaces those photos with yours, there could be cause for concern for the children but if she just puts up theirs and their dad's then it should be OK.

SoupDragon · 02/11/2017 07:36

What the hell happened to everyone on here?

We all became capable of having our own opinions, which may differ from those of other people.

Kit2015 · 02/11/2017 08:02

My ex mil still has a picture of her son and I on our wedding day framed in the living room. I still have the odd photo of exh up in my house. He's dd father and despite my feelings about him she gets to have her dad up on our walls, he's still part of our overall family. My partner has never once made a comment about it.
I think that while I can understand it would annoy you I think you were right when you said her house her rules.
Maybe you could give a photo of you and dp to her for Xmas if you feel like you'd like to be represented?

Original poster
rightroyal · 02/11/2017 08:49

Thanks for the replies. This isn't about wanting everyone to agree with me, it was a genuine question, was IBU in being a bit pissed off?

As for those who took the opportunity to bash me down and accuse me of being vile and selfish, that's your opinion, probably based on your own insecurities in your own marriages. That's up to you.

I will suck it up as i've said before, it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
liitlepenguin · 02/11/2017 09:05

Op I’m with you. It’s hard my MIL has pics of DH and ex together in her house. despite the fact we are married and have children. I’m waiting for the day my boys ask who she is in all the pics with daddy and I will respond with something super icy. Till then I have to suck it up. It’s a PITA but WineFlowers for you x

BackBoiler · 02/11/2017 09:10

marriages varying in length from 1 year to a quarter of a decade

You mean between 1 year and 2.5 years.......hardly a 20 year stint!

Columbine1 · 02/11/2017 09:15

Some (older?) people seem to put pictures up at a certain point in time then that's it. My DPs DMs only pic of him is from about 40 years ago which I find a bit odd but probably he hasn't provided anything more recent except kids school photos. He then noticed at home he had a pic of one DCs wedding on display but not of the other DCs wedding. Rectified when he went through an old box of photos. But meanwhile they may have been thinking they weren't as important... :(

NameChangeFamousFolk · 02/11/2017 09:29

As for those who took the opportunity to bash me down and accuse me of being vile and selfish, that's your opinion, probably based on your own insecurities in your own marriages

I have called you neither, but you really should be aware that posters started to feel negatively towards you when you started to be rude and make thoroughly unpleasant remarks about them.

You obviously do struggle with people having a different opinion to you, as you have - again - decided that it's because everyone who does has an insecure marriage. Some of your comments, attacking the parenting and marriages of complete strangers is extremely nasty and completely uncalled for.

You seem to be intent on being hostile to people who posted in good faith. I rather suspect that you'll continue to lap up any comments that agree with you and be nasty to anyone who isn't.

Perhaps your boyfriend's mother is quite aware of what she's doing by leaving the pictures up.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 02/11/2017 09:37

I don't know about everyone else but I'm starting to hope the MIL is leaving them up on purpose in a passive aggressive bid to get her son to dump OP!

Honestly people have shared their thoughts and opinions here - for AIBU the responses have been pretty respectful in the main, and yet the replies from you OP have been horrid. You say you're not being rude, but I beg to differ.

CW1805 · 02/11/2017 09:43

YANBU it's a bit cruel to have them staring in your face all the time, why don't you asak DP to ask her to move them upstairs or too a different room where they wont be on full view constantly. I know I would hate it if my MIL had pictures of DH ex wife and I definitely would have said something about it but luckily MIL is not a family picture display person so no pictures around anywhere!

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/11/2017 09:47

"I am not being rude"

"I think all the nonsense surrounding the children's emotions is spouted by those of you who probably claim your children are your biggest achievement"

Hmm